I haven't blogged in almost exactly a year. I mean, who actually blog and read blogs anymore right?
So much has happened in the last one year. I gave up on a relationship, learned to be myself for a while, and somehow fell head over hells back into being in another relationship. I've discovered so much about myself - all the possibilities and impossibilities - and somehow found a new self out of all that, which I actually love very much indeed.
But here I am again on a disoriented October night, in fact the first October night this year, buried deep in thoughts, once again lost in my multiple layers of facades and personalities, wondering which one truly reflects the core of my being. Can I, or will I, ever reach an absolute point in time where I truly know who I am? No one knows. But I was told that when I ever do, I will know. Obviously, I'm not there yet.
When I was away for 5 weeks, I felt as if my life was falling apart - being taken away to a place where I feel I don't belong in, I felt stuck and lost as if my soul was ripped off my body and it was desperately searching for a home. And I thought, hey you know, when I get back things will fall back into place. But boy was I wrong. Little did I know, gravity doesn't fix what's shattered in your soul. Things don't just fall back into place.
I'm not sure I know how to accurately describe this feeling. But I will try. Imagine yourself being the centre of gravity and parts of your being are orbiting around a constant radius, or at least they should be. And right now, how I feel is that these parts pushing further away from their orbits and I'm desperately trying to pull all of them back into their radii. And I'm at a loss because how the fuck does one do that? Is that even legit?
I don't know.
But tonight I'm sitting on my desk in my new room, blasting psytrance uncontrollably loud. I feel like the heavy bass blasting out of my speakers is the only thing that's comforting my imaginary wounds right now.
Where do I go from here? I don't know.
But one's gotta live.
