life is a nightmare

i longed for that serenade, i longed for the peace, i longed for the silence.

(i'll present bits and bits of the AMB shows.. so the bliss would last longer :D)

but no! a battlefield or a war location, im homed somewhere about the identical point. it's not good, it's a whole lot of noise, it's frustrating..

i loathe the fact that she's got to open her mouth to barb, without the least concern of the feelings of others, we are livings as well. the fact that we're livings, made me wish im stoned to never feel..

i need to express. i need a cheer. common blogspot articulations arent working as effectively now as compared to the memories reminisced.

my smile maker neglected me, with the best reason of the cues of being busy, to defeat me, wordless. my inspirational source had gone missing. hadnt seen her shadows since then, not even invisible msn trails.

ahh.. where are people when i need them?


i dont mean to bore you readers with pure depths of the current condition of mind. my heart sank in, effects of the senseless insults, nothing else. i feel bad for the victim.

cheerio sm..

lovey picassa

wishing it didnt end as soon..


i always frame extra effort and time here in blogspot to at least articulate life's endless journey and the unspoken scraps of view in my always wheezing mind. yet, i love the previous post too much to generate another post to substitute its rank as the latest post.

though that, i've got to urge u readers to visit the assunta picassa web page. just click on it =) it'll lead you through miracles to it.

fyi readers, i was dazed for moments glancing through every uncapturable moments there, pasted right in front of my eyes. i thank the photographer, i thank amb, i thank picassa.. (: now this crazy fan here has got a cease. phew

and as u stare through the miracles, u shall understand my current mood of bliss, not to mention craze ;)

and i shall go on for nights, mumbling and hitting the same old cue on the keyboard, as i compose identical posts of me still being all over in the concert mood. the level of bliss in sm had reached it's peak, overflowed and couldnt be stopped.

im flying without wings

i'd waited for a whole year, 11 months and 13 days for this..


to most of you, it was simply a charity concert to fund the instruments , a sheer showcase of young talents, merely an entertainment on a saturday night. but it unveiled a whole lot more than that, beyond what is plainly perused.

so i shall make the obvious now, in case u havent noticed, i made life history! :D

despite that, hightlights of the concert would be forthrightly the least aptly locale to search for.

though i fancy the way things were arranged and managed. i fancy the way the implications of music seeped through our hearts. i fancy the determination shown to make the night an awesome one. and of course, i fancy the swift waves of batons of a certain awesome character (:

now, for life history..



i'd comprehended the afflicting truth that the agony would began all over again, just like how it did on that long forcefully-forgotten day. i'm an absolute idiot in this matter, attracting faults. drowning myself in misery, again.

and i thought i would never have the guts to do it. i swore i never would, if it wasnt for eva. i longed for this day ever since the last one ended, just for that particular reason (of accomplishing the impossible, carving life history). and thanks everyone, i did it! :D



it was just a simple matter of to go or not to go, to do it or not to do it. time had spared me its allowance long ago, for uncountable times. then again, i hadnt the guts to do it, just to word a simple "hello".

identically to how proudly i am to display my egoism, im as proud to voice my accomplishment. though that, im not so much of a "talker" with her. through the mind panic in search of topic, i'd still manage to draw a laugh (: with my lame sarcasm :D

in spite of that, i stuttered terribly to end. i cant even recall what i said, excitement had swallowed my memory. i could only recall saying all the best with some thumbs up. gaah.. at least, i made it :)

and now, i'm flying in the skies once more. i know how it feels like to fly without wings (:

i'm flying without wings,
and that's the joy you bring,
i'm flying without wings
:D

and the truth varied :D

the old, rusty post is now history. i'm no longer in depression, more like excitement now!

i've just spoken to her! (: and the musty old conflict of the sms-sending accident is officially case closed. apparently, bad memory helps.

im so overwhelmed now, though it was merely a few lines.. it's enough to make my day :D

that feeling is back

cease my jealousy, it's unstoppable.. :/

it's pretty plain to the world already now that i have a certain issue with something (someone?), so i dont care anymore if the world is to find out this, supposedly, secret of mine. now for the world to read..

i feel the similarity of smart in the simple sense of depression a year back. it has returned.

the matinee show hours back just mend the pieces of my heart back with a strength stronger than super-glue. though that, the effects seem to have dwindle down a whole lot. im moving on to depression, again.

it's never the usual form of novelty, i always go through depression for the most negligible matter. no one understands how it feels like, it's simply painful. and it's nothing of my ability to construe. for simple understanding: emo.

in fact, im very much afraid. of the identical depression which i might have the slightest chance to have to endure. it's the deathly PMR year, marking the wrong period for depression. gosh!

i fear tolerating the exact pain,
i fear flunking PMR,
i fear the fact that my emotions just get lose...

no matter what sort of despairing pain i'd gotta put up with, im not missing that chance of my life.

even if i know i'll hurt after that..

i dreamed a dream

life has killed a dream i dreamed

yep it did. so much for the anxiety and excitement of the competition, it was a failed attempt. despite the chills in the auditorium, i'm to be blamed as well :S

i dont want to blame anyone actually, it's just me. which is also what i need to blame, it's always just me! gaaah, not making any sense am i?

just to update you guys, nothing to highlight precisely.

so ttyl

out of mind :S

and so school ended..

to stop the excessive H1N1 precautions and to commence a whole new dreadful anxiety. im much worried about tomorrow's thing. so there, 'the invisible video of me stuttering through my piece' is currently on a loop in my mind. disturbing much?!

also, the fact that pride is always with us freaks me out monstrously. it adds a whole heavy lot of force above my head. i feel that i'm smaller and smaller every moment. this is rotating from excitement to um, diffidence :S

let's not bother bout it yet. im taking wee break right now to sweep off the horror running in my mind. didnt really work, but at least its weight streamed off a tad bit to dwindle the uneasiness.

for a change of topic, for the escapade of boredom and for the fun of amusing readers, i shall lengthen my blog post to the rhytmical length which i track. see swan, i make my post long long (:

people are are seeing the bore in blogspot these days. for a change of environment, they moved to twitter perhaps.. or there's no other form of internet-cracy sort of fun? now that people arent blogging any longer..

i threw my view further just a couple of minutes back, thinking what the world would be like when i would finally have a go off it. gaaaah.. too soon for the death talk you think? who knows what the future sees..

dont worry, im not on drugs (:

spread the love

spread the love, all that u want.. all that u've got.

yeah, all that u've got, but not the virus. i just need a logical, construable answer to this doubt left hanging ages ago. no one knows :S aww, that's sad..

what's with H1N1 and our lives? let us go yo!

everyone is worried, everyone is omg-ing. but the worry didnt seem to have radiated to this callous soul here. i'm still as untouched as ever, despite having a friend who's home-quarantine-ing. sighh..

attendance marked absent here on blogspot, i noticed the deadness of it.

no one comes here anymore, and no one blogs as often anymore. just so e'one knows, H1N1 does not spread through telephone wires or invisible internet boundaries.

i really have a dream

i'd seen the blinking light at last!

dumping the depression, throwing away the frustration, at last! despite being so awkwardly hurt, in an expressionless manner, and having it smacked right on my face, i got it. i see the light, and pulled it through.

it's feels a thousand times better than plucking bliss in the moon, i've flown higher than that level, outreached the moon long ago.. now, i need a further planet. suggestions?

yay! i'm out of my mind! and im happy about that. something that i (or maybe she, too) can finally be proud of, and sincerely proud of :D

"crying" for help

hitting the school carnival with absolute enthusiasm but the out come of it to reveal some utterly horrible truth. disappointment hurts real bad. and the lesson perceived - keep on your words.


it was since the endurance of the excruciating motion the previous year when I'd began to shed into this complete diverse character i am currently role playing. i am not regretting anything now, though it was a whole bunch which I'd swollen, and inadvertently choked upon at times.

despite that fact, I am glad this pain had actually get a novel side of myself to spring up, a plenary necessity for the literary poetic side of SM. if it wasnt for the emotions I'd grieved over, I would still be the callous emotion-illiterate.

by the sight of this word, it is obvious that i'm going through my abstruseness, all over again..

as easily affected and distracted i am, emotionally, it is all internal. expect a sobbing SM when she emo-s would be the last thing to appear in your dreams. so take a nap sooner (:

though that, sometimes i wish i could just turn on that weeping tap in my body system. i'm just devilishly inoperable in a certain way. scientifically, it's not exactly possible. logically, the mind dominates. but sm-ism-ishly, it's never viable.

being tight up in a closed up human bottle doesnt feel so.. human(?) get me a brand-new vocab, at least.



in simple words, i wish i could cry at times..

i have a dream

never have i felt this good in a long time! i'm so.. satisfied (?) and truly am :)

i'm done writing! though i hope it's good enough to be in the battle. well, after all.. I Have A Dream.

im sick of manipulating my words in my twisted way. over-done it in my writing just now. so i shall blog as you typical blogger next door.

but i'm leaving now. sorrey for marooning you people here. but tatas!

plain pissed

in the way acceptable by all age range and general public, im so annoyed. otherwise, for the reason of expressing my current mood, (and it's pg13), im bludeh pissed off.

im not doubting that i'm not satisfied with the current status of how it is. well it was, in fact a miracle! but the significant point of this case is, it's not fair. it's just not up to my level of thoughts, perhaps, my level of intelligence has a long way more to go, to learn the impossible.

i shall take up the unnecessary subject, of it to me, just for the sake of the place of pride. i'm running nuts..

it's incomprehensible how things are rotating over again and how perhaps it is circulating my mind. my eyes refused to accept the light receptors, my ears refused to convert those sound waves, my mind refused to take in the truth. it's pains.

then again, i dont see what else can be done with it. so i shall shut up, for the sake of stopping my egoism.

it is rather a shock for this to happen despite screwing up certain issues horribly. and hence, the miracles worked at last! in a, well.. miraculous way? gaah..

this is just to fulfill my burning rage right this moment and for a bit of amusement to u readers to make up for my absence yesterday. and sorrey.

so back to script writing again, see you soon.

no-end speaking

i can go on talking for hours.

and yes, i can.. about nothing perplexed, just fundamental rubbish of the mind. perhaps it covers a fragment of excretion? mentally possible..

the term of computer expert, might perhaps take a low call today. i had no idea what i just did with someone's property. no damages, but the installation was somewhat not within the prognosis of this, professional here. hope it works fine..

scientifically or logically, instinctively or psychologically, trailing the update-ism of the internet isnt simple. even to keep track of my blog. i dont update as frequently as i used to. i've found a new home to amusement, youtube (:

a mental memo in my brain, 25th of june would end my dreading. the curiosity of knowing the overall results of my pretty screwed mid term exam is killing me inside out. ouch!

nevertheless, i might not make in on the 25th of june. ahh..



again,

sorrey for the chasm of time the deadness of the blog lasted (:

holidays: the last of last

i should be more hyp-ed than i currently am,
i should be more rejuvenated too.
but somehow, im still sapped.

okay. it's the end of the holidays, once and for all. the last enjoyment period of the year, before the deathly PMR. the last day of what i suppose life(?). and the rest, shall sight work and more of them.

if the right mood strikes the next time i click on the new post clickie, i might elaborate on the details of my short trip. but one word to conclude, fresh =)

excuse the usage of improper english structures or any regular grammatical errors, not to mention the manipulation of over-trivial vocabulary and articulations. the brain machinery needs some lubricant.

i shall polish it when i fix my mood (:

i often feel disappointed when someone i highly adulate ignores me. and the trust is, it repeats. i always feel that way. but this time, i dont feel the disappointment; in fact, i felt the rage. the burning rage in me.

nevertheless, the sense of admiration is invincible. i am, for once, not going to be bothered twice for this sort of nonsense, and i am not mouthing the first word again. it doesnt have to be me regularly. i am not in desperation..

it's dangerous. it's worse than playing with fire. one spark and it burns, decomposing every fragment of my smile to burning ashes of fury. i dont verbally barb, neither do i shoot stares. i hide them internally, at the extend of well-understood.

i shouldnt be getting mad at all, it's wrong rationally. but look who is, morally?! i'm not to be blamed.



time flew.. less than half of the day left for the last bits of freedom (:

and then, we hit school..

holidays: for a real vacation

this would make the final post of the week, not because i'm self-grounded to dwindle my blog bites neither am i restricted from the computer. it's simple.. i'll be away until sunday (:

so if im not too sapped to blog on sunday, when i return, i would just pop up here to see if it's still alive.

but if i can, by any chance, hit the technologies in the hotel for blogging, i would squeeze some fun off my schedule, perforce, to fulfill blogging needs.

and by the way, i'm just going to Putrajaya. so no need for souvenir request eh? ;)

back soon..

holidays: customary conflict

i loathe strongly the fact that i am so easily distracted emotionally, even with the most negligible matter. i despise the fact that i am always psychologically diverted. and hence, the often usage of my 'mood-bleach' label.

ahh.. i am officially disturbed.

'with what?' should be the most common articulation expressed and the largest doubt provoked. the customary of voices filled with curiosity echoed in the air. yada.. yada.. i cant construe a proper answer..

i do understand, emotionally, that i've got to build a stronger personality to comprehend more 'emotional-conflicts' to come. i trust it's a fundamental need, the most basic of inferring deeper views of senses in my poem-ical pieces.

but what reality had witnessed, i'd dreaded through life to come up with most of them.. and i still am.

simply for that reason, the often emotional-conflict is somewhat countenanceable in my everyday life, and true enough, i'm used to it.

yet, i still cant take it.

***

the above might sound utterly pointless, senseless, and inane to you readers, but just bare with me. then again, it shouldnt be understood.. or else, u are going through emotional conflicts as well..

then join the club :)

holidays: jet? rocket? it's just care..

im in the moon..
to pluck bliss!

im so recharged, and extremely whoop-ie right now! everything is just in the way they're suppose to be, fine as ever..

once again, i feel like a clown. perhaps i should take up that profession. CLOWN SM. that'll be awesome for a smilemaker..

but somehow, i feel that im a lil' too deep for a clown *hmm*

anyway, interested for a review of my hols?

it was dead,
it was boring,
it was devastating,
but it is hyperly revived!

so there..

blogging too much would leak out unnecessary information about my current state of bliss (: so sue me! if i'm leaving u in mid air! :p

IM me personally, i'll let u know why :D

i want schooooooool !

holidays: quit being a 'yo-yo'

it's tuesday!

a conscious mental note to u readers on the fickle speed of our everyday life. and the cue of that, time constrain for whatever left untouched with still the minimal amount of ticks to enjoy life. the official mandatory lure of the globalization era.

we're kids. our minds functions in the extent no higher than the ostensibly matured minds of adults, who, themselves too, couldnt resist the enticement of latest technologies. so the frequent blame tossed to us, "technologically spoilt kids", would, in the end lead to their own unscrupulous actions. correct?

final implication: think before speaking (:

i have no intentions of barbing anyone here with cues of my thoughts. but the final implications of the above text did hint on some annoyingly ego individual whom i scarcely speak a syllable to.
it insults my ability of speaking if i'd actually done so.

with no literal target, but with a structure profoundly thought of, i speak (or rather type) the voice of my mind.

if u havent got what it takes to be an ego, dont attempt to be one. if u havent got adequate amount of pretension, dont try to be arrogant. if u havent got sufficient respect, dont speak like u rule. word domination does not count.

in the end, u'd end up like a fool, being laughed at, being insulted at and if u'd succeeded in being the fool, u'd have a larger acomplishment of being blogged about.



i mean to bring a joyous image through my apparently cheerful layout with bright bright colours. yet, it had failed terribly.

ahh.. this post is polluted.

"...sanitizer"

holidays: as midnight draws close

the first week of the school break is about to draw to a pointless end. pointless because i havent done anything necessary and logical at all. none!

the stack of homework i once vowed to clear off still stands as pristine as ever on the left side of my table now. yes, until now.. im sure im not alone ;)

tomorrow's already monday. the day i've long awaited for its arrival. the prestigious day when a certain vital character would return from her gleeful vacation, to merely stamp a final end to my terrible, occasional drownage of mood, plus filling in the empty slot being of the inspirational individual. and seemingly, the only key to make me move.

ahh! spring cleaning for homework (:

the new image of my blog should be well appreciated for having more life in it! after having a dull, one-colored background for such a long time, i suppose this would do my eyesight good :D

i'd spent a long, long time editing my blog, since it was a skin before this. so even if u find it too blinding to read or similar, keep that to urself, and yes, solely yourself.

and mentioning blinding, i was looking for a blinding, yet non-murderous background for my blog. if u're using 'fluoresent' as the adjective, it would be 'deep-fluoresent'. if you're using 'neon', then 'dark-neon' would be it. the implications should be clear, so fit in your own words.

it's getting a lil' closer to midnight now. and my unstabil emotions are self-tossing with overflowing glee. sorrey, it's beyond of control.

and yes people who reads my blog, come for band concert yo!

holidays: cling clang in me

i feel the clanking noise in me while being all excited rushing ubiquitously, the resonance of emptiness in me. lacking of a lil' care and concern from a certain source of inspiration i suppose. and the echo of it is getting a lil' too piercing to be filtered through my feeble auditory canal.

this unwanted sense of effete bloomed a couple of days ago when i thought i could actually handle it alright, until the day of the return. but those enthusiastic, whacked thoughts seem to have elude, marooning me with bits of failed implementations.

oh whatever.. leave me all u want! :/

anyway, resuming to my original point here.. i feel like i need some serious motivational talk. but not counseling of course.. to restore those wiped off energy i once had. yes, perhaps even those little butterflies to be cocoons back into my tummy. i dont mind (:

i've been attempting to abandon my blog. not literally but to at least de-escalate my permanent blogging habit. i think im having 'blog-bites'! :D

i think im displaying too much of depths in my blog, not to mention the amount of emo-ness in them. so today would witness the refashioning of style in my post i hope. as in more glee, less emo.. but not less cryptic :D dream on, on that..

more wee-ing and whoop-ing to come in my blog post, i presume. ahh.. perhaps i should edit my blog skin again to get a more wee-ing colour in it?

alright-o then..
till the next skin ;)

oh ps: i have a new addiction: green (:

holidays: i'll stand by you

let me see you through; cause ive seen the dark side too.

those threads of memories flowed back gushingly into my stark mind, now chock-full with terrible reminisces of the past, the painful past, once so adhesive to even let me go.

for a 14-year-old, i've seen pretty much of the dark side. at least, i suppose you could say that. i think i've seen, felt and experienced it more than i'm supposed to, especially for someone who hangs by the identical age cue.

sometimes, i think it's a little too much. logically, it's really hard. but going by instincts, it's just a simple, unexposed sort of love (: all it takes is the right one to unravel it.

***

ahhh and again, i'm feeling super un-whoopy today, shoveling deeper into my unexplainable thoughts. it's like i cant escape this routine anymore :D

alright, so for the reason that im not feeling whoopy today. i shall not blog anymore (:

holidays: work not done

blogging for the sake of blogging isnt a novelity in life. yet, i cant be precisely sure to stay firm on that statement for today's case. perhaps im blogging because of boredom. again, i cant define.

im so entertained right this instant, with uncountable amount of blinking orange bars beneath the rectangular box of where im typing in. the rhythmical orange-ness can be blinding. shall i be blind someday, u'd know who to arrest for the murder of my eyes :p

oh! a reminder to anyone who's by any chance reading this crapped up composition of mine.. i apologize for using non-existing words from the english dictonary and for the randomness of it. i dont care if i screwed my post.

yes.. about that reminder, when speaking to me, never ask if im done with my work. i tend to get really annoyed even if im in a spectacular mood. so here's the warning eh!

it seems very quaint of me. and yes, as mention, im not ordinary, im strange (:

and back to the question of why.. no precise definition to that. but merely because 1) i dont like revealing the progress of work, telling everyone else how slow and indolent i am, not to mention adding the guilty sensation. and 2) work is endless. agree?

the last line i'd type in msn.. "dont hate it. love it and it'll love u too" it came out in a random way, with no excessive inspiring mood thinking. i like it, somehow.. (:

so yeah. it's 14.05 of the first wednesday now.
and another 5 days..

holidays: a scrap of disgust

my eyes were in pain. my auditory canal were in agony. my nasal cavity were being tortured. Ugh. I was, am and never will be a fan of road side mamak stalls.

the sight of polluted tarred-road and people who overly tried characterising the expression of "enjoying food", being all ill-mannered, and with all these surrounding me, my appetite.. once again bleached off.

the sound of rough shouts of the supposedly chatters burned my auditory canal. the smell of rusted trays and psychological sweat disgust my sense of smell.

oh gosh! the unexposed side of sm finally emerged eh? divulging the regular "who-cares" character i am.

perhaps the malaysian side of me has yet been nurtured to perfection. perhaps i judge a book too much by its bare cover. perhaps it's just because my rents ignored my opposition in this matter, which they usually wouldnt.

perhaps im just being delibrately rebellious. that's the result of being the only child. she's turning rebellious gradually. the revolutionaries.. *jengjengjeng*

oh-kayh! feeling much better now. so much for holiday mood.

thanks again blogspot! (:

oh oh! and it's 5 days in another 58 minutes :D

holidays: escaped senses

it's holidays and the logic of it should tell u readers that rotting at home, or perhaps some of you might term 'enjoying' life, would the the customary of everyday. that is, unless of course, when there's no other ventures, say.. shopping or the other holiday event : debating.

speaking of that, i need to bertutur dalam bahasa melayu to nurture precise pronunciation, prevent inevitable improper blend of english with BM and the accuracy of the usage of words, not to mention a wider range of vocabulary and bigger words. ahhh! BM crisis! i need to fit at least a quarter of the dewan bahasa into my head. oh gosh, this is never possible. but cheer up, SM.. u're a malaysian (:

i'm feeling more naggy. my blog compositions had been getting longer and longer. i shall go on and on non-stop someday. and my blog would be soon desolated for the lack of interest and the eye-smarting length. i still remember how i used to whack on lengthening my post. and now, i regret.

oh yes.. if anyone actually follows my buried blog where i post my poems. it's dead and gone. neatly buried (: sorrey for the dark funeral.

i seem to run out of blog titles these days. the significance in them are contradicting greater than as i type them out. refer to what i've been blabbering from the top. u'll see (:

so again, i shall ponder over the title for this blog post. and as we speak of that. correction: as i blabber on that, i fancy lyrical post titles. and has always wish to hang on to that track. but again, im firm on originality and sticking perfectly still on that stand. perhaps that was the reason for those contradicting phrases of mine..

ahh.. i shall leave that in my head to be mulled over. stating them here would mess up the condition of your mind. perhaps i already had :p

i think im using 'perhaps' more than 'maybe' lately, which is already verbally habitual. maybe it's because blogspot is forceful enough to change my habits? perhaps *winks*

i wish i could wink. but being the cacat me, im born without the ability of winking. how sad eh? which literally imply, i cant play mafia! haha. this is getting overboard, digging the rusted topic of mafia..

ohh.. i suppose the post is getting rather lengthy, again.

fine then, ttfn!

holidays: wits of my feet :p

the veins in my feet are silently screaming and yelping in agony. the over-usage of energy for shopping and wandering about the mall, in no specific directions, has perhaps leave my energy level in zero. the once madly gushing adrenaline had gradually calmed down. and eventually rotated the excitement to exhaustion.

your perfect key to unlock blurness: i just returned from the mall, with a certain ms KSL and ms MSL (:

the initial plan of having lunch in shogun had been clashed off by the impertinently inconsiderate crowd. no surprises. the typical malaysians. so being the "die-also-want-to-eat" shogun freak like us, would be back when the promotion season ends.

thank god a certain mdm B couldnt make it, or we'd end up in a terribly awkward situation in the hassling line, or perhaps lines(?) of people, desperate for a seat. but on the other hand, she would be of great magnitude in our failed attempt on "queue-cutting". though i think it's rather awesome that ms MSL managed to squeeze us through.

so that's that for the day's routine in the mall, sweat-drenched and distressed feet. yet i must say that it's nothing of the usual to sweat in a mall, entirely equipped with air conditioning.. look what global warming did! ...the lavish amount of heat.

with the implementations of global warming, someone might just come up with some fresh concept of indoor exertion. shopping releases mineral salts + excessive water + urea as well. so why not? we shall mull over that together eh.. for the sake of city-ians like you and me (:

ohh! i'd just thought of something a certain mr CW told me. if my english teacher were to give me a 'C' grade for my english paper (because i had been blabbering non-stop about how badly i would flunk english), she should read my blog. haha. i liked that one (:

and i could just picture it when that actually happens!

i need to improve on untwisting my blog post. someone has been commenting a lot on my cryptic style of composing my daily posts.

my feet is in serious need of a warm water bath. adidas failed me :/