i'm empty..

I feel light, too void to be recognized as human. it felt as thought i might have to relinquish happiness, fall head over heels all over again into being emo. I might have to slice my wrist to feel weight again..

BUT I wont..

I feel useless. Of all the rubbish ideas I'd always have, what sort of rubbish am I? I can't even come up with a genuine idea of a gift. Time's everything that I wish I had more.

What if I don't see her on the 31st? What if she's gone for the rest of my life?
I don't know..

Oh forget it, SM..

"I keep thinking times will never change, keep on thinking things will be the same"

i cant eat.

my jaw line hurts, ever since I ate peanuts last night. It's awful, I can hardly eat and not to mention the constant sore. Just ouch.

Now that cremation is over, I guess everyone else is alright already. Just that tomorrow, the ashes awaits for collection and it might be a whole entire drama series. Who knows what she is up to.. Even M.Y. was so shocked.

And yeah, I'd like to thank her a whole bunch for being present, even if she has to rush all the way back from Kuantan :)

Anyway, I guess things are pretty okay. Except for my jaw line, that it..

Hitting school on the 31st. Plans of promoting struck off, but still going for the fun and excitement of it.

More to update soon. Till later.

"take me back to the creek beds we turned up"

Rest In Peace.

By name or by fate, by actions or by emotions, substantially, I'm a proven sinner, way more egregious than I'm photographically compared.

The more I look at the photograph at the funeral parlour, the more I thought of the past. Those times which you and I would term childhood, those time when we got along so well, those time when we lived so happily together. We laughed, we joked, we teased behind backs. It was fun :D

And then things drifted from the regularity. We moved out and somewhere about that motion, I believe, was when I'd grown up without you, and that sheer maturity in me couldn't acclimatize that change. You weren't there and when I came back, everything was different.

Very frankly, I can't educe from faint childhood recollection of how our very tight bond got reverted to this way now. I wish I could. But even if I could, it's just too late.

Ever since then, I had this hatred. This burning fury, which now, when thought upon, originated from simple influence, which is in fact, just misleading.



Every now and then, I'd turn to look at the photograph of you. In reality, you have faded into a memory, which is so real that I cannot believe that your presence had since disappear.

I wish I could have a good talk with you now. The last time I did was months ago, and the last time when I'd actually taken a picture with you was 2 years ago. What a disaster am I. I wish I could stay with you all over again, and live those joyful moments all my life.

I may not have shed a tear yet, but deep inside, I know I'm sapped.

You did everything to love me, but I did everything to hurt you.
Words cannot articulate my apologies and regrets. I'm just SO sorry.

I love you, grandpa.
May you rest in peace..

capture it; remember it

24th of December 2009.

Dear blogspot,

I am surprising not entirely feeling like how i am supposed to feel with the amount of As achieved. hmm.. I feel left out, very very much so. The excitement, apparently, i am over it. The shock to let out a scream, i'd drift past it.

But, I should just feel happy for it, and I'm not.

I am feeling happy for the wrong events of the day. Not the enthusiasm of the results, not the gusto for the interview, not the eagerness of meeting a friend, but the amount of love i had today..

Oh, you told me twice that you love me. I'm so stoked. It's because I'd never thought that you would ever treat me like the way I would want you to, but today proved me wrong. I have a new family :)

Okay. Let's not think wrong now.. It's not the love you're thinking. haha

Signing off,
Graduated Teddy Bear :D

"you take my hand drag me head first, fearless.."

I cant wait to meet my SIS :D

i noticed the deadness of my blog, despite the absence of yours truly for that whole period of seven days. SORRY. okay, that will make it up for everything eh :)

NOW, things are just too stoked to be true. Some when about that seven day of deep procrastination and extreme relaxation, i was told that PMR results isn't going to be on the 28th. And what's worse, it's earlier, the 24th.

I know, it's scaaaary.
But as much as I fear the results, the excitement encircling has created extreme pressure. I can't wait for it already. Everything cool is happening on the same day. I just LOVE the thought of it :D

Very obviously there's the results; then my dear darling sister is going to be meeting me, like after 2 whole years :D (and I'm just SO excited for that); then I'm meeting an awesome person whom I miss so; and the interview. My first.

I shall relate the entire experience of my interview session. I hope nothing embarrassing spills out of me. You are very well aware how much of a clutz I am.. So, let's hope for the best eh :D

OKAY.
Wish me luck yo :)
And I'll wish you luck too..

"Once upon a time, archangel in the sky.."

a little bit about me :D

I stole this from Crystal Yap :)

Your boy side
[x] You love hoodies.
[x] You love jeans.
[ ] Dogs are better than cats.
[ ] It's hilarious when people get hurt.
[ ] Shopping is torture.
[ ] Sad movies stink.
[x] You own a car racing game.
[ ] You played with Hot Wheels cars as a kid.
[ ] At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.

[ ] You owned a DS, PS2, N64, or Sega.

[ ] You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
[x] You have watched sports on TV.
[ ] Gory movies are cool.
[ ] You go to your dad for advice.
[ ] You own like a trillion baseball caps.
[ ] You used to collect hockey cards.
[x] Baggy sweats are cool to wear.
[ ] It's kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
[x] Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
[x] You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
[ ] Sports are fun.
[x] You talk with food in your mouth.
[x] You sleep with your socks on at night.
[ ] You have fished at least once.

Your girl side
[x] You love to shop.
[] You wear eyeliner.
[x] You wear the color pink.
[x] You go to your mum to talk.
[ ] You consider cheerleading a sport.
[ ] You hate wearing the color black.
[x] You like going to the mall.
[ ] You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.
[x] You like wearing jewellery.
[x] You cried watching The Notebook.
[ ] Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
[x] Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
[ ] You don't like the movie Star Wars.
[ ] You are/were in gymnastics.
[x] It takes you around one hour to shower, get dressed, and make-up.
[x] You smile a lot more than you should.
[x] You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
[x] You care about what you look like.
[x] You like wearing dresses when you can.
[x] You like wearing high heel shoes.
[ ] You used to play with dolls as little kid.
[ ] You like putting make-up on others.
[x] You like being the star of everything.
[] Pink is one of your favorite colors.

Appearance
[x] I am shorter than 5′5″. i think i am
[ ] I have many scars.
[ ] I tan/burn easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different colour.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair colour.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[ ] I've had/have braces.
[x] I've been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[ ] I have more than two piercings.
[ ] I have/had piercings in places besides my ears.

Embarrassment
[x] I've slipped out a "LOL" in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[ ] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[ ] I've cried so hard I've laughed.
[ ] I've glued my hand to something.
[x] I've laughed til some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[ ] I've had my pants rip in public.

Health
[x] I've gotten stitches.
[ ] Broken a bone.
[ ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[ ] I've sat in a doctor's office with a friend.
[ ] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
[ ] I've had serious surgery.
[ ] I've had chicken pox.
[x] Swallowed something I probably shouldn't have swallowed.

Travelling
[x] I've driven/ridden over 200 miles in one day.
[x] I've been on a plane.
[ ] I've been to Canada.
[ ] I've been to Cuba.
[ ] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I've been to Ottawa.
[ ] I've gone to Sudbury.
[ ] I've been to the Caribbean.
[ ] I've been to Europe.
[ ] I've been to Florida.

Experiences
[ ] I've gotten lost in my city.
[ ] I've seen a shooting star.
[ ] I've wished on a shooting star.
[ ] I've seen a meteor shower.
[ ] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[ ] I've kick a guy where it hurts.
[] I've been to a casino.
[ ] I've been skydiving.
[ ] I've gone skinny-dipping.
[ ] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ ] I've crashed car.
[ ] I've been skiing.
[x] I've been in a musical.
[ ] I've caught a snowflake or snow on my tongue.
[ ] I've seen the Northern Lights.
[x] I've sat on a rooftop at night.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[ ] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[x] I've eaten sushi.
[] I've been snowboarding.

Relationships
[x] I'm single.
[ ] I'm in a relationship.
[ ] I'm engaged.
[ ] I'm married.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[ ] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.

Honesty/Crime
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[ ] I've snuck out.
[ ] I've lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[ ] I've ran a red light.
[ ] I've witnessed a crime.
[ ] I've been in a fist fight.
[ ] I've been arrested.

Death & Suicide
[x] I'm afraid of dying.
[ ] I hate funerals.
[x] I've seen someone/something dying.
[ ] Someone who is close to me has attempted/commit suicide.
[ ] I've planned my own suicide before.
[x] I've written an eulogy for myself.

Materialism
[x] I own over 5 CD's.
[ ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[x] I own designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
[ ] I own something from Pac Sun.
[ ] I collected comic books.
[x] I own something from The Gap.
[ ] I own something I got on E-Bay.
[ ] I own something from Abercrombie.

would you tell me too?

It's the final one you're going to hear from this crackbrained blogger. Very surprisingly, crackbrained ACTUALLY exist. Google it or something.. I learned it from some lunatic who doesn't believe in language :p

Ever heard of Evan Taubenfeld?
He's COOL :D and again, google may help :)

Oh, I left a note on your status, and jam that in my mind, i DID. So SM, stop going there again. There's this substantial force taking over, I have to click on that link each day knowing that you are very obviously away.

Tell me I'm deprived, I'm only liking Santa Baby now.
Like yeah.. Been an awful good girl *sings*

I keep wondering if I'm done packing everything. Things seemed twisted in some way, I packed too fast, my bag's too light. I guess something IS missing. But I can't make it out.

"Woke up early to baby blue eyes from afar, whoaa.."

it's a GUNG ho :P

At this moment, it is when I am least riveted to a blog post.

But I can't tell you how stoked I am right now! Shopping has finally seemed accounted, and malls have finally proven its worth. I've finally bought EVERYTHING necessary for the trip. Another approximately 2 days, and I'll be on a midnight flight :D

As much as I am eager for the trip, it's not cool. I think I'll miss dad and home, and fine, my grandma. But I'll get used to it as soon as the fun seep in :)

Anyway, for another issue, as much as I NOT want the trip to end, I want a certain date to emerge nearer and clearer in time. I miss someone, and how I wish I could meet up with her for a simple hang out :D

PMR results day might sketch a sparkly juncture, but who knows what the results might bring. I'm not that thoroughly confident after all. And the exceeding value of assurance and expectations from ALMOST everyone freaks me out just even more.

scary.

"long ago and oh so far away, I fell in love with you before the second show"

insane shopper.. HI :D

You have my word, and it is a troth i shall never blow. Listening to Taylor Swift's Mary's Song (Oh My My My) just reminds me of how you and i were, or how you and i WILL be. It's like an identical dream that I used to dream.

but goodbye,
I knew it's never going to be the same again as you board that plane.

FORGET it. It's just some chivying rant from a drop dead shopper, who misses an old friend. I'm tired, emotionally and energetically. It's not easy to get something, when you fuss over every single detail of a certain merchandise and pick every single brand from a certain mall. I hate being so fashionably finicky.

Another 3 days and I'll be gone :D
The excitement, but with a solemn fusion of depression. Daddy isnt going with us. And it's going to be my ever first experience of a vay-kay without my dad. I hope I'll just live with it.


NOW, I'm just waiting for dinner, with a tummy deluged with excessive gastric juice. And the consequence of that - gastric :( ugh.

i like stunted wordings with fullstops. just simply vocabulary and a dot. like this..
BYE.

"and let the music be your guide.."

i can FEEL that dream..

i feel dense to allow that song to run over and over again on my playlist, but without it, i feel stark. the truth is, i AM stark at this point. just somewhere on a broken path, lost, emotionless. or rather, emotionally ceased to obdurateness. whatever.

the more it wheels around my mind, the deeper the hole sinks.

i believe now, the superiority of dreams. a subconscious reality which holds the subconsciousness of what reality is. that's just it, meaningless, just DE-FINE my previous statement!? and i'd never actually trust that state of unaware sensibility sort of rubbish..

now, i ACTUALLY do.

as much as reality denies the truth that im fine even if a part of everyday is gone. i seem like i can, it's all a flawless facade, but just WHO am i even trying to cheat. my dreams proves it all.

i dont know what i should do. and ALL i can do is to drown myself in endless school obligatories. even if im DEAD fed up.

why do i wake up just to wait for the day to end?

"as the world keeps spinning round, you hold me right here right now.."

my dear :D

oh it's 7.35 in the morning and im awake blogging, with my eyelids opened scarcely and my hands freezing from the bitter dawn chills. im merely like a pile of human drooping over my swirly seat. despite everything else, im just glad i woke up.

im beaming silly at my alarm clock. this time, it's very very real. the text message wasnt from maxis or whichever other galling service provider. it's from YOU :D

somehow, when every other word in a line just resonated the coldness of your tone, with just a 'my dear' everything sounds simply absolute. a stretch in actuality doesnt mean that you dont care for me :) i perceived that out of perpetual fervent, emotional times.

those are just a twinkle now. im happy :D


it's a long day charging towards me. shopping, eating, meeting, having fun, more shopping :D i kinda like that routine, i just hope everyone participates today.

oh well,

the more the merrier

after all..

i need fantasy.. just a break

just every other time that i launched this page, things seem to pop out, out of no where at all. it's crazy to think of every other little task that i'd left undone, and every other bigger task that im struggling through.

i like this kind of holiday for an alteration now, it's fun-packed, in an exceedingly busy way. i dont get a break of nothing at all. even if i do take a break, it's procrastination..

and it's not like im not used to it..

i dont even think anyone comes to my blog anymore, after the long long deadness of it. i dont care. im just telling whoever it is that's left what i think, feel, am doing right now, even if im the last reader left..

ahh, it's so hard to get a theme for the event.. :(

"it's like catching a lightning, the chances of finding someone like you"

goodbye hero

i have officially RECONNECTED :D

but i suppose that does not mean that i'd be blogging everyday, as much as i always did. im just not such a huge internet fan anymore, somehow. that's a sad case..

i hate the fact that i hear the teevee sound from where i am currently seated, it's too distracting and for someone as forgetful as i am, i cant blog.. for the void mind and the empty soul. very, very emotionless..

people are still going online everyday, still seeing as much fun as it was when it was initiated. for me, im a quaint kid, i must admit. for the electricity in me in going online is just as thought the bill has expired. hmm..

i stand firmer on my feet these days. i dont live for the sake of meeting a certain individual. i live simply for the reason why everyone is living, which actually, i dont know why. because i used to go to school for some particular reason and even wedge my life on it..

now, she's just another person in my life. no big deal..
it's such a lost, i wish i could live the past again.

goodbye for being the top of my mind..

"and the good times flow,we can let go"

im so sick..

something is missing from the customary. i feel so indescribable, in a horribly bad way.

every breath i exhale burns my nasal cavity and every breath i inhale evokes a hundred pain. and every now i then, i would burst out in coughs for the lack of oxygen.
in short, im suffocating from blocked nose and burning throat..

i was blissfully blessed with much love and care the last time i was this sick. and still very fresh in my memory, i wanted to fall sick all over again. but now, without much of the previous vibe and none of the identical care, it sucks.

i feel like a walking scarecrow, somehow. it isnt exactly appropriate to describe myself as a scarecrow, for no better reason and i dont even look like one now. i just feel helpless. but i doubt scarecrows even feels like me.

oh whatever..

i just miss the way you assume that i go to school just for your sake, and the was you assured me that you'll be fine without me, just so that i would rest at home.
i wish those time were repeated again..

like somehow you just dont belong and no one understands you..

reconnection

i miss you, blogspot :)

yes yes, i know i havent been here for VERY long.. and judging by telekom (or streamyx)'s inefficiency, i wont be up here any sooner either.. and i just despise technologies for its application is rebellious.

i can survive with slow connection all right!

but i cant survive without blogging for, now, almost a month.. i thought i could, and well i did, during the thoughest time of all, when i didnt even have a telephone line. i wrote on sheets of papers. very scientifically outdated, but still, improvised :D

i miss you alot. it's very much of a routine for me to go all excited over meeting you everyday, as though every other day is a new beginning for me to put you up high in mind, framing your every word as a life quote and every piece of advice a guiding inspiration.

but i have another month to resume that routine.. but im so afraid of what the year has to sketch :( tell me how.

because you make me believe in myself when nobody else can tell..

im back for a while :D

i feel so invisible now. it felt as thought my blog has become foreign to me, very very strangely, the urge of blogging did not kill me, for almost 2 whole weeks.
and yes, forgive me, i havent been blogging at all.

accomplishment for me, sad news for readers and condolences to my dear darling blog :)

so a lot has been happening, from the horrible moving experience to after PMR stoning to school hassle to internet stealing from simply everywhere (just like now) :D

gotta get on working now..
till the telekon technician comes then..

:D

Im finding me out, Im losing my doubts..

memories, never history..

self taken pictures arent cool, they're just an amusement of being syok sendiri..
but when you look back, they're memories.

i had launched blogspot many, many times today, but the outcome of it, all very similar, i have nothing better to blog about. until, "Graduation" had decided to seep into my mind, now thoroughly deluged with pictures of us.

of all the rants and complaints which i'd once typed out here, published for the world to read, about the coldness portrayed by a certain individual, i think it's just me now. no, it IS me now, im certain.

she clashed the walls, but i build them back again. im creating the chills.

it's not within the control of my feeble mind, but i dont feel like me, when im with you, which i always do the most at your presence. it's quaint that all these are happening.. i hate to admit the expanding distance between us. but it's true..

im someone who would smile over memories that belong to yesterday.. simply because the future is too vague for further inference. i cry dry tears..

but i dont want the future to be that way. i want to smile for the sheer present, not the past bliss. i dont want the wishes of the present to be next years apologies. i want things like how it has always been.. warm and happy, and crazy just the way we were.

im so sick of the low temperature..

"sometimes we dont say a thing, just listen to the crickets sing.."

an emo smilemaker..

it's 8.42 in the morning of an idle Sunday. im up and typing as swiftly as ever, if it wasnt for the distraction of the blinking blue tab beneath the web browser. my msn chatbox, and now, make that two.

i feel like blogging, for no specific cases.


oh yes, im officially a self-declared, dark emo.
i just have this love for being emo, but so much for a smilemaker, it contradicts really badly. and for being the smile-mades, me transforming to an emo is like a huge demur. and why the trouble of all the fuss, i am an emo by nature :p

oh well, just let me be la. sometimes, judging what's wrong and what's right is just not right. and for everything to have a conclusion, having to infer the precise consequence of simply everything, just shows how inapt actions have been.

and again, it hurts to see the fool in myself. the best way is to lam out of everything :) including the fearful thoughts in mind :D

i might have given a hundred percent but it's always an aught return..

"and if you ask me if i love him, i'd lie..."

i smile for the deepest scar..

i fell in love in with mere shadows,
the beauty of its whispers linger in my soul,
a simple perfection outlines the whole,
my senses twirled and i lost control.

the way its strain harmonizes the ideal sketch,
the way its smile resembles a perfect match,
an intertwining fondness got me attached,
leaving a sequel, a flawless scratch.

but the shadow retained a certain originality,
an impossible pursuit in bare reality,
for the grace possessed exceeds normality,
sweeping off the slightest concerns of morality.

oh shadow, my dear darling,
through shades of grey dimly sparkling,
of all fantasies i wish you'd bring,
i'm still me, never your 'everything'.


an anonymous shadow just got into me, and swiftly struck rationality off my mind, as though it repeats daily. i relinquish in the depths of emotional quotes.. oh gosh..

a smile is the deepest scar of happiness..
i put on a smile, but deep inside, im drying up of tears.

"long ago and so far away, i fell in love before the second show.."

no one's here..

yesterday was so crammed with contentment, i'd never dont anything similar in life before, and i quite like it, actually. very obviously, someone's very very pleased :D

i wish i could see those expression again, they're just too priceless to have happened :p

i have nothing much to say about yesterday.. the videos show them all, but somehow, my video isnt listed on my channel but it still exists.. very strange.

http://www.youtube.com/thepegasustale and the unlisted one is below, in the previous post :D


today, seems very much like a contradiction. i dont feel as contented, i feel lazy, i feel the guilt seeping in. i wonder why..

perhaps im gonna be mumless for the next three days. perhaps im gonna be ah yi-less for the next 4 days, or perhaps it's just that the usual school hyp just isnt here. i dont know..

i feel that emo feeling. the exact sense i fear the most. im afraid that im feeling it, for im afraid that im feeling it for it. oh gosh..

"in the leaves on the tree and the touch of the breeze.."

it's not a dream :D

the wind beneath my wings; but it's got blown off..

i feel entirely strange all over again. the way im feeling so down over something that isnt at all important; the way my mind gets swirled up real terribly for the chills in your moves; the way that you mean this much to me. i dont know why, i cant even help it..

and i dont like the way it affects a brilliant day, just sapping my mood away in a blink of a cold stare. it kills..

im thinking back of those adjectives i'd used on you. they seem so big now, resembling the amount of admiration i had for you. i still do, but as you freeze up each reaction, the distance parts wider.

i cant believe the amount of conflict that pops up between us, just like flowers popping out of the blue. very randomly, and out of most of them were evoked from nothing but my pure over-sensitivity.

i know it's me, but this time.. it's a long time already, since you got so cold, and im beginning to fear what time would sketch, im silly but im so scared.

very, very frankly, i feel extremely foolish for telling you that, but i will not regret. i'd said what i wanted to, and hoping hard that it wouldnt creep you out.

"did you ever know that you're my hero"

cold as you; i know

i realized.. i dont blog as frequently as i used to. it was considerably a custom routine of a day, but now, indolence had taken over my mind. so much that typing a couple of words seemed like an ordeal. gosh sm..

i sense a similar situation, a certain condition which i had once lingered on, and i didnt like it at all. but somehow, im back here.

i remembered how much you wanted me to change for the better, i did. and even worked really really hard doing things which i never would take a liking in doing. i gave random targets a shot, simply because you verbalized your hopes in me, and i want to please you..

but then, as im striving hard on it. you'd decided to walk away.
i wonder why...

things are strange. i used to blog really long post with extra big vocabulary just to meddle up the minds of my readers. but in this, i'd decided to keep it simple.

i'd lost the mood of doing so, for there isnt anyone to please now.
do come back..

"that's why im gonna be on the next plane home.."

an 'i didnt expect' quest :)

days after the major pmr arent as loved as i'd once pictured in mind, before the exam of course. it seemed as though i thought i could stay on looking into the computer screen forever.. it seemed as though i could move on blogging every hour and every day.. it seemed as though it's entirely carefree too.

and how thoroughly wrong i was..

i didnt expect things to be as dull and mundane as our everyday now. hitting school, carrying bags, walking around, watching dance routines, chatting our lungs off, stealing chicken popcorn :p, yada yada and more yada. it's totally dinned..

i didnt expect the mental state to throb. it's been weighing on a really lopsided surface, and that's not helping one fine bit! stressing has reached a whole new stage of mental torment and sweetmae is getting slower.. oh gosh..

i didnt expect the friday concert to be free! and that means, people would be more convinced to go with me :) oh yes, i didnt expect her to reply my message as well.

oh, so much for a dull, dull day.. i see faint shades of colour now :)
i noticed the see-saw theory again..
it's taking over life :p

"and then you're on your very first date and his got a car and you feel like flying"

your voice is the soundtrack of forever

i had dinner, but mr gastric has been bothering me since 5 minutes ago :(

i find it really racking to just type a couple of words out for today's post. thanks to you mr gastric.. i know, it's just some effortless movements of finger muscles, but somehow, i still feel uneasy.

im afraid of the week. the impression sketched was like as though it might gorge me alive. no kidding, and especially friday. my weak, weak mind would explode, just to carry that thought in mind. but in this particular case, procrastination kills me more.

anyway.. im mulling over this..


i'd really, really like to go :) and for once, im not pondering over the amount of people i know there. because i'd given up a lot for a certain individual and a particular matter.. what more? a scrapful of random emotions, it's not getting in my way. naah-ah..

support the event :)

"you know what you want, but how long can you wait?"

you have a way with words :)

blogging hasnt been much of a routine for the past few days, possibly because im busy to the roots of time, presumably because blogger has been mean to me yesterday and decisively because nothing's blog-worthy.. i cant decide, for sure.

my previous post states that i was going to reveal my blog to someone important, and relatively special and i actually did, for real.

it was a shocking night, a catastrophic night. facebook was being awfully nasty to be. it has deleted my EVERYTHING. my wall was literally empty and my photo albums vanished, except my profile pictures. hmph to you facebook. HMPH! :p

perhaps it's revenge for the abuse of it. well, i am a facebook abuser after all :p

oh yes, my intention was to lead to the part when i called her to give her the so call surprise :) it's considerably her birthday too, and surprises should be the trail of it. in my world, yes.

so i rang her and screamed into her ears for the facebook disaster. not as bad as i did in msn, but still.. and led her to my blog and blablabla.. and turns out, i have a way with words :D and i sort of like that take..



ahh, next week shall be a very eventful one. craaazy obligations. im inclined, and it's impossible to just shake it off, with no better reason. im a good kid la kay :)

"it's a roller coaster kinda rush and i never knew i could feel that much"

fifteen years; fifteen butterflies :)

today,
was so much more of an eventful day than yesterday. it should have taken a swap :)

after the long update about yesterday, im left with nothing much to say, but i know i have loads more to relate about the outing today. an official school outing which we were all VERY reluctant to, but turned out, pretty awesome :)

well, what wouldnt be awesome, when lame people get together?
we're too lame to be true :D

and again, photo's on facebook (:
tag, grab, whatever you want to do with it :p


i think im officially going crazy..
i'm gonna show someone something which i shouldnt.
but who cares :p

"and when you're fifteen, feeling like there's nothing to figure out"

dated: 21st of ten of '09

im pretty tired of birthday get-togethers, when things are all nicely arranged and planned for, for a birthday party-ish sort of event. and so, i'd decided to spend my fiftenth year's birthday on a simple outing with the people i like :)

but very obviously, (judging by my previous posts) schedules failed me, and early arrangements are plainly proven now that they jinx things more. and i thought i'd spend it like any other day.

but first, the BOOM came, and then the BAM, and the WHAM! :D whoosh! killed the sappiness and im drenched with blissful thoughts. not really an eventful birthday, but certainly the best in ages :)

thanks everyone who celebrated for me :) and tried to make my day. i really, really love all of you :D


and i'd never actually, ever ever in the past, gotten a gift basket sent through a delivery service before! oh boy, was i thrilled! :D

it was really exciting to see your class teacher entering the gallery with a gift basket on your birthday, whether or not it was for me, i had a great time picturing that it was. and much, much to my delight, i heard many 'sweet maes' as the basket was passed down to my eagerly waiting hands and almost bulging eyes.

my heart beat a zillion times in that second, having fears that it might fall out any moment. i was stunned, stoked and whatever more adjectives to describe the amazement. oh somehow, people were examining the basket before the recipient. and i got more impatient waiting for it to come.

while that, my mind was running like an 80-episode drama. messed up, whirled and confused. dont tell me it's my mum! yeah, i thought exactly that! and then, i realised that it cant be, and i thought of a certain person B, and i got more excited!

as soon as it reached me, i snatched the card off, reading its content, but at the same time, overwhelmed with disappointment when i see that it's anonymously signed. and noticed the handwritting. it was a certain person C.

i almost cried :)
i didnt know what to think for a moment or two. staring straight in front at crowds of people who are paying the slightest attention to my state of shock and behind to the bunch of people crazily asking who it was. looked up and down, left and right. and yes, i wasnt dreaming :p

my mum still thinks its from a boy :) hahaha.. mums are mums for a reason :p

pictures in facebook :D

"cause when you're fifteen, somebody tells you he loves you, you've gotta believe them"

but im fifteen in a day's time..

feeling insecure i searched around,
a familiar warble; some tuneful sound,
the sky had since toppled over the ground,
somehow, i dont see that light i found.

i should be happy but i dont feel so,
it was the blaze that had mutated to a glow,
so much for time creeping in slow,
it's one birthday that i'd rather not told.

giving more reasons to elude that fact,
those words that induced such an impact,
i can no longer force a smile out of this act,
it's distressing; it's totally wrecked.

and for a tear to wipe it clear,
the torments of hope had once appeared,
i cant judge if they're entirely sincere,
for it's insincerity that i largely fear.

it's the wall between us that you had clashed,
but it's something i'd never slashed,
i might have overreacted in a way,
but who wouldnt, it's actually a big day..


im speechless, because simply, im so lost for words. and for once in life, it had dragged on for days. being speechless isnt nice, you dont know what to feel, you dont know what to say. and every other obligations you're inclined to, seem to fade off as you stare in the air, wondering what's up..

i dont like feeling this way.. and especially, when my birthday's tomorrow. is it just me, or is it just her, or is it because of everything else, that im so empty at the thought of celebrating tomorrow..

maybe i should just shut up and move on..
but i know i just cant..

"i still feel the sting of my tears; someone wake me, i cant seem to break free"

cause im turning 15; i dont know what to feel

i was pretty excited about turning 15; now, i dont know anymore..

i fear time.. it brings facts that i wish i could lam out of eternally. sometimes, it might feel good to have a romeo by your side (even if you're certain that he's not your romeo). but at the other times, romeo freak you out, for trying to be romeo.

and i know it, you're just not him.
i know you tried, but again, a little give and take is not fate.


anyway,

i was typing something relatively sentimental here as yesterday's post. something about how people change and so what if we'd spend years together. we're always happy as the closest of friends and lamest of people. 'so what' has become a big word, too big that my mind refuses to take it into interpretations, because you'd decided to change..

i hope it's just me being over-sensitive as usual, but i guess it's not when the world feels it too..
i cant help but to notice the wall between us. it's emerging as a whole barrier in speech and resistance in action. i dont even think i dare to look at you in the eye.

im afraid i dont see the identical sincerity. im afraid of the cold feeling at your presence. im just afraid of you leaving us.

i'd rather the holidays would drag on..


and for another..

this was the reason why yesterday's post didnt appear in my blog and will only be posted as i hit the publish post button. im utterly disappointed, was and still rather am. my mum thinks im over-reacting, my mum thinks im ultra sensitive, but i think im just acting like how a normal kid would.

supposedly, *insert your ideal idol* was going to celebrate your happy fifteenth birthday with you, and ffk-ed 3 days before the day. how would you feel?

*
*

*
*
*

that's how i felt...

even till now.. there's something there that would still make me wanna cry..
i cant get over it.

"count to ten, take it in, this is life before you know who you're supposed to be"

wisdom wins; beauty only picks the trail..

it's not entirely reprehensible that the teevee at home is always conquered by my grandmother and im always stuck watching tvb dramas and getting all snooped and whoo-ed up in the mind for the speed of language. chinese isnt exactly my best, not to mention hong kong chinese.

there is a fine bit of difference i presume, between the malaysian chinese and the hong kong chinese. i dont seem to comprehend as much as i can take my grandma's rants :p

anyway, that isnt where i intended to lead to. not precisely.

say about 10 minutes ago, before all the exhilaration and bangs, before the shock with the trailing laughter and before the debate of whether to text or to remain silent, i was watching the beauty pageant on astro. some inevitable chinese crap but now, rather exciting.

i wouldnt customarily agree to chinese tvb dramas. it's just a certain sort of way to be rebellious towards teevee domination. it's like im dunned to incline to a bunch of people portraying forced routines.

well, i dont have a choice and so i watch.

but it'd taught me a lesson today. wisdom is way influential than beauty, even in the event of a beauty pageant. the one with a quicker twist in mind outbeats the one with, clearly, more convincing physical beauty.


she won. and with such coincidence, her name is Belle.
im serious :)

"he's got a one hand feel on the steering wheel, the other on my heart"

Happy Birthday :D

you know, i understand that light travels in a really fast speed. i mean, 'really fast' creeps slower than the speed of light. there's no other better (or faster) word. but what's streaming my mind now, is that, why did time attach itself to the speed of light?

there wasnt any denotative events today, that's arranged to evoke those memories, as consciously as it deluges my mind just this moment. i thank Julaine for bringing up the mood in me. the right mood which i dredged for 2 days ago, when i wanted to post the birthday wishes and hence, the failure.

she asked me, "how do you insert music in a slide show" and i taught her, readily. it was a simple question, but it led me back in time in memories. i closed my eyes, reminisced and debated whether to blog or not.. and im here :)

it was, for a simple slide show that had brought me this close to you :) those days when i used to teach you how to edit a movie, to fit in sound clips and to neutralize background furor. and when we got monstrously lame, laughing over silly things ourselves, when we stayed back at the pavilion. that's really a scrap of Fun Time of the Year :D

it's cool ya know :D i still remember. MCI, and your personal elucidation, mental cacat issue :p

and then, you won. and you couldnt scan your picture in time. haha :D i had to explain through the phone, sightlessly, for i didnt even know then, how your computer works. this came before the slide actually.. i got really stoked, frankly, for that atomic bit of effort i had given.


and somehow, all those, plus a bit of fate, leads to today. and i sit here now, typing them out with the broadest beam on my face :) im one proud and lucky kid :D


it's a bit of a killer sometimes to judge what your reactions would be. it's herculean. really, it's like a little guessing game. things arent plainly outlined, but ostensible enough for me to infer. personally, i would make a bad scientist. my words stumble, but they arent obvious..


and simply, happy birthday :)

"you showed me something that I couldn't see; you opened my eyes and you made me believe"

frozen from the tip of my toe..

such a paradox! :(
i dont feel as contented as i was yesterday, if taken comparisons to today. well, i shouldnt, by right, since today is just another pointless school day. nothing big, nothing extraordinary, nothing eventful.. just a thursday.

i wish i could feel as hyp-ed as i was yesterday, but somehow, i guess i'd reached level infinite in the height of yesterday's energy. i was so filled, but now, im just void.

even the very first of the morning killed the usual excitement of the day. time is such a painful zapper. one strike and im down. im weak, i know. but conclusionally, i reached school at 7.07 am. i was considerably late, because usually, i come early to carry bags. yes, some bags :)

and it killed the beginning of the day..

my day got further murdered in a horrible way, somehow, when the juniors decided to rush into class before the bell actually rang. and i just loathe them for that D: no way of expressing my rage literally, and in a certain way, it's like i was late. but it's not me! U.G.H! D:



somehow, we were talking about how people change today. i wouldnt call it gossiping actually, it wasnt entirely mean and bad like how gossips are known to be. i think this sorta 'murdered' my day too.

i mean, it's not thaaaaat bad to discuss about that matter but, it makes me emo. and that just tugged my mood to aught. i dont like seeing people change, for when everytime someone does, the distance lengthens from near to far. and i dont like figuring out why they change. it just sets in..


it's not utterly a harmful day (yes, harmful because some days are sometimes harmful) but it just got me down la kay.

"im not a princess, this aint a fairytale; im not the one you sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell"

Theme: Mathematical Error

how i wish i could travel back in time.. yesterday was just so contenting :D
i'll tell you why, it was the day! the birthday surprise! :)
and here it goes..

13th of october
it was one chaotic day, of excessively stuffed tummies and whacked laughter. we were virtually crazy, and i assure you. i scare myself with laughter. sometimes, i feel like my tummy could explode for the exceeding amount of laughing gas. what oxide again? :p

then, we headed home, after almost bringing down a mall. a pyramid, to be precise :D

when everyone is gone, work piled. the typical birthday surprise routine. cutting and pasting and more cutting, plus more pasting. whatever it is, i yanked through everything - the record is done.

and then, i panicked, knowing that there's something planned for tomorrow. finally calmed down, and decided to stick on to plans and just go with the flow. then, got in a fight with my dad for some nonsense about the next day that i couldnt take, a horribly huge fight and cried terribly. funny, but i cried..

14th of October
it was 2am and i still could not sleep. i felt butterflies popping up one by one in my tummy. first it was streamed with laughing gas, then, it got heaped with butterflies. and i woke almost everyone up, coughing.

somehow, i slept, after dosing myself with cough medicine some when in the middle of the night, and woke up at 5am. that was exactly when i tweeted, and vowed to rock :D

got things prepared and done with. hit school and briefed my sayang, sayang friends on what's going to happen :D and they carried out phase one of the plan: the faking, the drama, the trick to get her upstairs :) and she fell for it immediately! mission accomplish xD

very unfortunately, there was a huge gap in between the periods and i endured through it, extremely forcefully. i almost died of nerve wrecks! D:

and the rest, just went passed too quickly and vaguely for me to record in memories. all i could educe now from faint memory is that, we sang, ate, chatted and got crazy :D

apologies, pictures on facebook!

im so glad that it went well and everything! after a total 3 weeks of stressing, plans didnt fail me after all! it wasnt easy to keep my BIG mouth shut, ya know ;)

"i was trying to fly but i couldnt find wings, you came along and changed everything"

6 down and one more left...

what a lovable day to raze 3 relatively amusing papers. history and math, my personal favorite! doesnt require much of the magnitude of brain manipulation but just as equal to that, analytic application. which i seem to relinquish to.. hmmm.

and parallel to that of such a carefree day, it's worth stamping in memory of a happy, happy interval. excessively stuffed with A&W, over-fed with laughter and a wicked consumption of ice-cream :) im losing my voice, officially..

i just cant believe that i went through 'just now', just now. get me? im quitting contradictions for once, and sticking on to using the same words. but i guess i should resume the typical paradox la.. since it's easier to comprehend. save the trouble for switching channels for my sake :D

finally, it's officially 6 down and one more left. KH. what we rave, love and hate the most, among and above everything else. conclusionally, we dont learn anything out of it, except for getting an A. an extra pretty, pretty on your slips perhaps? :D

well well, just cant wait anymore. for tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow ;D yeah, ya know what's up :) and tell me ah people, if you're not coming! (:

"he tells me about his night, i count the colours in his eyes"

hey you, mr.Tee..

Loving me frames your greatest sin,
So dont kill the perfect way life has been,
Take another 'her' away in the other chance,
And dont even turn for a second glance.

You love me, i read your eyes,
The way it resembles the tears you cried,
But it's some rubbish i cant deny,
Your past was scratched with lies.

You changed a whole lot for you saw certainty,
The exact way i wanted everything to be,
But time flew and i just couldnt see,
That 'forever' of just you and me.

It feels good to be noticed around you,
Like flowers popping out of the blue,
But when i fell and you pulled me through,
I thanked god that i had you.

Though time filled in slow,
I wish i could love you for the love you showed,
You'd never actually asked me if i do,
But doubtlessly, i know it's true..


Love is one thing that i find hard to slur over. Someone loves you but the feeling doesnt connect, like how it's suppose to be. romeo and juliet in reality isnt just the same. a little give and take is not fate :)

im sorry...
you may be romeo but im not your juliet...

"music starts playing like the end of a sad movie; it's the kinda ending you dont really wanna see"

pmr: it's day 3

im having tea. at 11 in the morning, how insane :)
but hey, the geography paper this morning has totally enervated the intelligence magnitude, not to mention the vigor and the contentment. i feel the hunger, and now, im utterly famished. but it's only 11am :( awww..

it wasnt that bad, really :D


does anyone know if camomile tea makes you burp? i burped five times, consecutively, after im done with a cup of it :D thank you for the tea! yeah, you know who la :p

and i shall have the rest of the day for more contrition for the dinned sort of procrastination. it repeats over and over, so much that im numb to guilt :D the best approach to lam outta stuff :)

oh yes! i forgot.. the record is officially done :D from patching up the edges, to completing the text, and even scribble some art work myself.. not entirely professional but good enough for my competency :) she'll love it already!


my tummy's too empty for more typing. i need to regain energy :)
bye, goodluck peeps!

"i wanna be where.. you're here, you're eyes are looking into mine"

it's less than 2 days before 'the day'

whoa.
it's been long since i lay my sight here, in this typing space, which allows you to over-manipulate your vocabulary and rant incessantly. i love it here.

just that, somehow, it's pmr in about a day's time. and to come online would increase the culpability measured in me. but hey, i always tend to give in to that internet-cracy lure :D im in love with it? perhaps :) and blogging would just prove it even more.

so why am i here?
i dont know :D i always dont, anyway..

no school tomorrow, but i wish there was :( time is gushing by, and before i'd even began to cherish moments of joy, it's over. next year will not be just about the identical year anymore. no more walking you down, no more carrying bags, no more stupid reasons to talk to you.. sigh.

i'll miss this year, before it even ends :(
yeah, i left someone a surprise on the table for tomorrow, even if im not in school :D i hope it's impulsive enough :)

anyway,
best of luck, you form 3 kids out there, who's facing the day really really soon :) laugh together; cry together.. exam also die together la :p *touchwood* things will turn out well for us, have faith.. and we hold on :)

"people are people and sometimes we change our minds"

wrecked: i miss school because *fill in the blanks*

I said i dont need you,
I thought i could pull it through,
But the fact is, i still do,
Simply because i know it's true.

Every syllable charges me with energy,
Even magic cant bring immortality,
But with your voice ringing in my ears,
It's like i suddenly have no fears.

The lyrical quotes might signify a thousand lies,
But nothing beats the tears in my eyes,
Then i looked up and wished upon the clear blue sky,
I saw you turning back, but you still didnt come by.

Remember you said you were grateful that im always there,
But now, i could only pick up my phone and stare,
I texted you, but you never came,
And again, i went through that same kind of pain.

You're not my lover,
Nether are you my mother,
But ironically, i care for you,
I would wedge my life even if i have to.

You said life is tough,
You thought mine isnt rough,
You've got it wrong for you'd never seen,
How bitter my path had been..

"i've got a i heart question mark written on the back of my hand"

starstruck addiction; taylor swift's deep...

"Being fearless isn't being 100% not fearful, it's being terrified but you jump anyway..."

well, i have not manage to apprehend the total alteration in the shine of music but, im getting very taylor-swift-ish. i think ive watched every taylor swift music video that youtube has got to offer. and yeah, that's what happens when you've decided to trash the internet for the day :p

addictivity has reached a whole new limit. it's yet another novel role for me to care of and simply, to mess up my mind a little :D i like it though..


hmmmm, im planning something big :D i never fancy the idea of big revelry making or crowded celebrations. i like things simple, fancifully simple. just adequate to touch the heart. but well, it's not for me this time, it's for someone.. and it's got to be all perfect :D

perfection? not much of a new vocabulary to me ;)
but shhhhhhh...

the love-is-in-the-air feel has taken a u-turn, cause im feeling it again. yeah, i feel love all around me :D encircling the mind. but well, it is all in the mind :D

it feels good to know that someone loves you :) the protection romeo has got to offer is invincible, and you know it. it's so... lovey dovey la :p

"maybe it's true, i cant live without you; maybe two is better than one"

the first of the other 25th Sept.(s)

it's rather delinquent to be still blabbering here in blogspot now. but well, i havent posted a word for today, despite jamming up my twitter updates at the left tab over there :D i shouldnt be rapped ya know, it's gladlyCast that has been setting me updates-abbusive :p

anyway, it's too early of the day and too erratic of the night to be cramming my blog posts with considerably immense words. prostration has almost crushed my creative bone and wrecked that enthusiasm in me.. ugh..

i didnt know i was this debilitated. vigorically, im still doing good. the animated contentment in me right now is in fact forceful enough to class off the unsubstantialness of the operating muscles. i was still pretty sure of today's vibrant, if it wasnt for the brisk walk i took to turn on the switch. ahh, i shaky knees, midnight syndrome ;)


and by the way, my mission failed last night, i slept before mum woke up. so much for that, im too much of a goodie goodie daughter to be awake to bear the racking "why arent u sleeping" talk :D i will soon be, if i stay on here (:

today's the first 25th of september that i actually take note of, the beginning of the rest of the forevers to come :D after spending 14, 25th-of-september-s, this is one precious case. and happy birthday to you..
refer to twitter: if each birthday signifies the growth of wisdom, dont worry, you arent very bright :p

and i did it already, earlier than some huge distraction.. or rather, anger evokement :)
i won :D

for a moment, eye drops seem to moisture the eye, supplying the life back to them. but now, it's losing its sway. so, so dry.. eeek! but still, i really do cherish this time of the day the most - when night has fallen but dawn is still unbroken :)




it's so cute isnt it?
someone's birthday gift, but i cant remember who's..
faint memory, how typical :p

sometime in dark morning :)

oh my eyes feel as though they're dehydrating D:
im squinting, real bad, to merely allow a slight parting for the rays of light. it's 2.30ish now, and it's am. i havent, in any of the past trails, stayed up as late as this.

mum usually wakes up at 4 to throw the bucket of stinky clothes into the washing machine. let's see if she'll find her daughter going to bed then :p

oh, and i can tweet anytime, anywhere i want now! new discovery, but let's hope it doesnt bring a tumbling raise to my phone bill. or else, jengjengjeng... ;)

does anyone know anything about some 'un' and 'hy' english theory?
vague summary, lacking solid information.
tell me :)

"let's spend tonight on top of the world"

i am who i am..

im me, that crazily whacked kid with extra i-dont-care bits for her individuality, having sufficing grey matter in mind but never entirely utilized, and that deep thinker who freaks out just any sane human.

im simply me, im sweet mae.
and hi :D

then, as impulsive as ever, someone thinks that i shouldnt be this version of me. with the intention to polish the better side of me, to be whoever i was supposed to be. and that someone whom i was supposed to be, is nothing less than reluctance.

yeah yeah, who doesnt wish for fame and triumph to fall like raindrops :p
but somehow, after a bit, the raindrops would transform into razors, cutting you by every touch. i dont need success, if it saps happiness. really..

i know it's all of good intention, i know what expectations i can meet and sketch. but ya know what, it's just that, sometimes, i'd rather have a happy past than a proud one. a happy one is adequately awesome to be proud of (:

and im sorry if i should disappoint you (:


it has been nine months. but im pretty sure i havent change, not a bit. it's just that the expectations grew as the period of our acquaintance grew (:




im still that insane kid who thinks pictures tell a thousand tales. the cracked kid who fancy self-taken pictures :p



the childish teen who pulls funny faces at cameras, still thinking it's amusing.






the eccentric nerd who hangs online all hours in the day, and still managed to complete books of 2 inches.

the caffeince proof midnight walker, who survives by green tea frappucino (:

the deep thinker, who claims that she's brainless, who writes beyond the comprehension of the world, who eludes every obvious fact to state and sate the mind's persuasion.

and the huge fan, oftwo very acessible reality ideals.




one who generated the life altering idea; and the other who completes the mission.



and well, nine months later.. now..

something did change after all, i'd got an extra role shape-r and a dream come true (:
what more can i ask for in life..
it's good enough (:

"thank god even crazy dreams come true.."

ive never adulated someone as much as this..

i feel like a substance abuser now - very bugged, super addicted, extremely dejected. it's as if i had floored that stage again. that emotionally disturbed platform. gaaaah, ive been thinking across the limits again. no wonder.. pfft.

but seriously, i do feel like a serious addict right now. and please, im not on drugs. and im absolutely conscious on that, though it's some when of midnight now that im, literally, slamming my keyboard :p i still think straight la.. through emo-ness, i still do :D

it's like you'd relish in the motion of it, you'd wish it would never come to an end, you'd wish upon simply anything and just about everything for it to happen. but who knows, the more you take it, the harder it is to cease.

and it takes a whole lot to stop it. it's like abstaining yourself from smoking when you're an insane smoker. even rehabilitation centers cant cease this sort of agony. ahhh, you're the only corrective (:


the broadness of your trails is just like that. lighting up the umbra encircling my eyes, and illuminating hopes. dreams are coming true like raindrops, for your words keep me strong.

it's another mean of survival, despite life's necessity (:
and i actually want to tell you this..




if only you could stumble into my blog somehow, someday :p im not surprised even if you do, for i make things pretty obvious :D

let me relate this to you, it feels better than getting an autograph from MJ; way happier than a photograph with taylor lautner; even luckier than a movie with *insert your ideal choice of date*.. it reaaaally does.

and that's all an individual with a ideal perfection could do. though i know she's not perfect.. but well, i am canonizing her somehow. and im believing it, for i am.

i havent gone out of mine. no worries :p

"give me a therapy; im a walking travesty"

geographical whoop :p

i'd just noticed, i missed the 200th post in my blog. must be some mood bleach or excessive happy post for me to slur past such an eventful thing. sorry for the belated celebration.. but hey, it's better than nothing (:

im officially a self-declared nerd :p
have been setting my blurry eyes on homework. to analyze things this way, i place more of a wedge on tuition homework than school's. well maybe aside english, but still, quaintly i do.

twas battling with geography; thousands of pages to complete. the fuzzy ringer of maps and tiny trails of neatly typed questions make me punk. ugh.. i was quite a huge geog nerd, but now, consistency scooped me off the edge.. whatever la.

and if you must question, i really did this.

god knows what blow of vivacity got me to literally snip my textbook and replace that particular snipped part with quotes. i know, im an insane quote lover, but to this stretch, im deadly wacky :p

oh no, teachers would be bound to have the littlest interest and pride to share with me. we should love books, i know, but hey, this is how im loving it :D it makes me strong ya know



another six days to be hitting school again.
im missing school already, oddly but yes. i hate to admit it. i just do. there's something in the hustle of school - through the chats and gossips encircling the mind, the laughter seeping through hearts and love spreading through the walkways, there's a smile there for me to catch :D
something that i can never find at home.

"she wears short skirts i wear t-shirts; she's cheer captain and im on the bleachers"

missing tracks; in need of supper...

somehow the ceaseless flow of gastric juice in my tummy isnt doing me any good at this stage. perhaps plain scientific analytic terms failed me, for im lacking food to digest internally. i've no supper tonight :/

in foursquare, im more of a supper consumer than a dinner taker :p
i hold the tightest execration for dinner, for a certain reason, despite stating the obvious. typical weekday dinners arent very inviting. nope, not at all.. hmmm..

i guess im slashing up the midnight mode again ;) and im pretty convinced now too, that it's not good to feel your tummy being corroded bit by bit. it's better to have it all dozed up in a sleep to never feel it happen. yeah, sleep is the best elucidation :p

my eyes are in drying up. the moisture level is reaching aught. and i guess if i dont sleep sooner, the water content would be dessicated very, very quickly and of the absurd sensitivity, swollen eyes. eeeek! D:


for more of reality's check, we'd lost it today. the decision just slipped off our possession and we'd ended up having two very consumable meals for the first fraction of the day. what an incongruity to the gastric now! biology swirls your mind sideways :) but i like it :D


oh yes, facebook didnt fail me that much altogether. i suppose it was just some inevitable technical difficulties that whipped up the mess and hatred i had for it. i wasnt on the parallel side of mood anyway, it's not its fault entirely (:

i still love facebook :p

"we can do anything; we can be anything"

facebook de-happy-ized the mood..

a fairly progressive day it is today. and there's another 55 seconds to measure up one intact day. im lost and i still am, despite the burning rage and the uncrushable frown on my forehead. i dont fancy it at all.

it's good to be speaking to old friends again, and in my term of depiction, old denotes precisely three years. yeah, i miss them tonnes and loads now, and im placing my highest hopes that the year-end gathering would run well :D

facebook is being a jerk. which rightly sapped all the gaiety out of me, and im marooned with much, much dejection and annoyance. yerr.. i hate it when facebook malfunction, especially now that it means that much to me D:


pmr shouldnt be less than 18 days, i presume. i cant educe from streaks of vague memories on time and dates to come, for i cant even recall what's gone by. too bad for me then. but hey, it's good :D at the minimal of it, it kills the nerves ;)

and again, let me have it facebook!
oh please do.. it's scrapping off the tiniest bit of excitement in me..
come back to live.. ahhh..

"i just wanna scream and lose control; throw my hands up and let it go"

commencement of holidays and she hits my life..

"You and I are not what we eat; we are what we think"

i have an image of mind. an image of a disturbed mind, whirled and meddled. as much as the one currently in possession. for she expects the world out of me, and i dont seem to dream as much as that.

i may do it, i might do it, i can do it. but the ponder is, am i willing to do it..



the incessant trails of text messages simply makes me whoopy :D who could have ever conceived or even risk the trust of being in such slenderness in distance to someone who steals your breath away, in an appropriately admirable manner. to even come close to that in thoughts, i dare not, for the perpetual fear of the smarting jab and the condensed happiness.

but let me relate this to you, happiness is just too small of a word to exist in the thickest dictionary on earth to depict this distinguish state of bliss. it's like love, but better (: at least, it doesnt sends you deep into emotional disturbance.


then again, it just did. for she'd suggested a thought that could never be made true, not because i cant. but because i refuse to.

for her sake, i would just fall into it and cue her way, just the identical style she wants me to trail my path. but considering the fact that it would suck up my happiness, i wouldnt. notwithstanding, her magical mind control cast on me might be forceful enough to clash them off? ive aught clue.

i just cannot settle it in mind, that i would have to be in the same lodge as a silly tree with equal amount of commitment and spirit. i cant, for at its presence, i'd even kill D:

but should i just try?
being me, i wouldnt. but for her, i dont know.



today was good anyway :D one of those mundane holidays routine of being online for excessively long and naggy hours despite the permanent mind pollution imprinted: pmr. it lacks the strength of my name to care. im just born not to (:

youtube karaoke-ing is fun, when you have a brand new microphone to do the singer echo-ish trick. but note to self, and all you people, dont tell anyone when you do sing. or they'll throw you the culpability for the cause of the rain :p

"no matter where life takes me to, i'll meet you there"