You Think You're Small, I Think I'm Smaller.

I'm probably thinking too much.

And now I feel bad that I showed her my last post because now she'd feel 10 times worse telling me about it because you would think that it's now bothering me like how it shouldn't. Oh Lord, please save me.

I probably made a wrong move. But all I wanted to do is to tell her that no matter how much she is going through, I will be there for her, though being there for her doesn't make much of a difference. At this point, I'm lost. I'm lost for words, thoughts and every other emotion. All I can do is to drown myself with school.

As much as I don't believe or don't want to believe the seriousness of it, a small part of me tells me that it's for real this time.

That 4 lines are still pounding in my head, echoing at the edge of it.

I wish it could just fall out like that.

I'm sorry if I made you feel bad;

I just wanted to let you know that you're not as small as you think I see you as.

If You're Reading This, and If I Lose You.

It suddenly struck me when I was having a conversation with someone who really means a lot to me. I don't know if it's the horror of the truth, or the power of the words, but it made my heart sank. Real deep.

She said: What if that randomness never happens again?

I said: Then I'll live with memories.

She said: You sure?

I said: If it really doesn't happen again, I'll HAVE to.

I don't know why, but it just diverged off our main stream and we ended up on a winding road that leads to that point. I wish we didn't actually go there in the first place.

If I lose you, I'd cry and cry my lungs off even if I know that it wouldn't be of any use, and I may not even be anyone significant who is worth acknowledging, no matter how much you tell me you do.

If I lose you, the memories that we have had together would play in my mind like a silent film, on a loop at every second, watching me drown myself in misery.

If I lose you, I'd try to pretend like I don't feel anything at all, because I know you wouldn't want it to fall like a rainstorm on me when I know deep inside, tears are flowing out like a flooded river.

But to be honest, living with memories is three big, bold and scary words which require a hell lot of courage to say out. I did, because I know I will, even if I know brainwashing myself hurts less.

No matter what happens, I will never forget that one great year that we've had together.

Don't think, KNOW it.

Hanging On..

Some people see it but they don't react;

Some people react as though they saw it.

So which type are you?

Life has been insane, and sleeping at almost 2.00am every night (or morning) doesn't seem to be much of a help. I don't feel tired or fall asleep in class anymore at all, because there's too much swirling about my tight mind at every second.

Walking about like a drug bag, sniffing my nose off didn't feel good either. Otherwise, my nose leaks like a pipe with a drilled hole. I think my tissue paper usage over these 2 weeks killed almost an entire forest. Whoops.

But when all these messes you up just as crabbily as you feel when you wake up with a jolt in the middle of a sweet dream, there are things that still makes life worthwhile :)

And I'm still hanging on..

Eyes Everywhere

I can feel my brain cells dying, helplessly screaming and pounding on the edge of my tired brain. I shall take a break now and go to bed, hopefully at some time :)

Morning Monday, you started with a great deal of thrill, for giving me heartbeats at a pace that is against Physics. The higher the rate of my heartbeat, the more I think it will pump out of my heart. I love speaking Biology, for some reason :)

Life's good :)

And so I quoted you;

"A happy blend of scientific logic and artistic creativity".

Accept The Fact Please.

Why do I even bother convincing myself to let loose of my ever-piling workload and take a break from trying to balance myself on a tightrope? When i actually somehow or rather, know that I will reach a time when I'll lose it and fall head over heels, back into my preconceived notion about delegations and obligations.

How mundane is that again? Remind me please.

I tried. I did. I drugged myself with positive beliefs that I should have but by fact, I don't. I'm just drugged by my own poison. And just, how dumb and ironic is that?

So I've learnt my lesson.

The next time when someone asks me why am I doing everything, I shall not try to please them again.

Enough said.

PS: A great friend really helps :) even if they are in more trouble than you are. I hearts EvaChen :)

Uncertainties Are Scary.

Four days flew really quickly. It seems like when I last spoken to you was ages ago. I absolutely spurn it. Like how kids hate clowns. I can't stand the these long intervals that we always have to pull through.

Wait, correction: ...that I have to force through; that you didn't notice.

I always wonder why you and I just never get along well enough like how good friends ever do. Perhaps 'good friends' is a little too heavy of a term? But age is not an acceptable answer, for sure.

Of all people who passed by my life, I'd decided to invite you for a stop-by, when there are others who actually care to care. I don't lower the boom on you because I know it's life. Actually, I convinced myself to believe that it's life.

But whatever it is, at the end of the day, I really do appreciate you.

Question is, do you?

Have I Reached?

In a hurried pace, I walked passed a closed door, which then opened behind my back, letting out a very familiar, "Sweet Mae!".

WHOA. I met an old teacher. And it reminded me of how everything used to be so very much easier when I was lost in the pursuit of absolutely nothing. I was a lost soul with no direction and no purpose, but as it unravel sooner, I lost hope. But I have faith.

I have faith to turn it all back now.

I have faith to make you choke on words that you once spoke,

And I have faith to prove to the world that all that they believe did not escape from me.

And as I write this, I am still catching bare wind. Ironically, I feel like me again.

Two-day

I got drugged by Chemistry, lovestruck and bitten by a love-bug.

Valentine's has never been much of a celebration, but it was definitely one day that I always dream fairytale. I'm not much of a kid who wastes half her day dreaming for and of a prince, but I am a still a girl who believes in Price Charming and Cinderella.

So much for that, this year was one that Valentine's that didn't seem much like a significant date in the calendar. Oh well, I guess I was wrong.

So lovebirds, or non-lovebirds, I hoped you had a good day altogether :)

I had the time of my life.

I had suck a great day yesterday :D To be honest, I have never had such a 'family' feeling CNY in a while, where everyone sits together, having fun, chatting over dinner, topped with the favourite 'loh sang'. Kids running here and there, screaming their lungs off, rambling the world like they couldn't care less about everyone else. I used to get really iritated but yesterday, it felt as though it was part of the CNY spirit.

It's just that, let's put it this way, if only I have a family like that.

I'm really glad to be invited. It was like a family reunion thing. An invitation means a whole lot to me :) Gladly, and I could feel almost as if I belong as well.

Family politics, yeah, it may or may not exist but it definitely diffused into the air between them to even hit anyone on the face.

No lies.

Silence.

Just as the bond between the both of us has been coated with a shiny lining of electricity, once again sparking like the old times, something has just got to set the fire.

I do value the thought of you texting me early in the morning about it. I love it when you care to tell me things that revolve around your life. And I understand how it feels to lose someone you love, so very much.

Things change when time flies away. You can never expect someone to last forever there being by your side. It's a fact I've learnt from remorse and much guilt that I relinquish.

I feel bad - I don't know what I am supposed to say to make you smile again, to dry up your tears and fill your heart with some warmth. I don't. But I'm sure there are a lot people there for you, comforting you in every way. One more or one less note from me might not be very visible at this bare moment.

All I can do now is to leave you with some peace and pray for everything to be fine.

RIP.

Through the night

Oh it just struck me that I haven't posted these videos.

Enjoy :)

This was for the Nose High School programme - just a simple production to illustrate the colours of our Assuntarian life :D

And this is an original composition, the theme song of ASW 2011 : Love.Cherish.Assunta. It's gonna be recorded soon! Keep watch :)

xoxo(s)

Fireworks - You Spark.

I'm back from Macau to face a whole lot of workload, and now struggling nonchalantly to compete with the colour of the night. I'm staking a whole lot of pride in my almost completed tasks.

Obligations, routines, plus a pinch of panic, for Monday - that's technically, today.

We're back to the usuals, morning assemblies, teacher-on-duty(s) and everything else, of in which I find most exciting and mundane at the same time. I love life as much as I love the world :)

Fireworks, when it sparks, it's like telling us to appreciate that moment because in the next blink, the sparks fall and spreads its love to the people watching it. I like fireworks :) It makes me think how some of our friendship just sparks up as and when it likes.

But the best thing is, friendships last forever (Y)

Happy CNY :D

Chinese New Year in a Chinese country has always seem very 'family'.

Well here I am now, it's pretty much the same. Everything has evolved too much that even the people content in this world are too busy either chasing for the better or being too self-consumed to even care to learn the word 'love'.

Either way, I dare say I am a very traditional Chinese :) Probably because of the way I was brought up, the beliefs that I was soaked in and the customs that is seemingly running in my blood. And you know, I'm proud of it :)

So here's to everyone,

Xin Nian Kuai Le and Gong Xi Fa Chai :)

农历新年快乐, 恭喜发财.