Empty Vessel; Am I?

What am I even doing? Why does it feel like life is duller than a sheet of paper that cannot get any plainer?

I lock myself in this room everyday. I shut the doors before me. But what is there to do? Study? SPM? I say bullshit.

I'm sick of this routine. Everyday, trying to kill time waiting for someone to speak to me, waiting for an answer, a response or even a simple hello. I'm sick of not knowing what to do trying to kill time. I'm sick of sleeping because I've had too much trying to make my day shorter. I'm sick of watching everything on YouTube because it means nothing anymore. I'm sick of reading everything of the Internet, my eyes hurt. I'm sick of writing, I'm sick of studying. And even my fingers are aching and some even scrapped from playing the guitar too much.

Perhaps it could be that I'm just sick of myself like a devil sick of sin.

While everyone is trying to fight time to study for SPM of which I too am sitting for, I don't know why I surrendered to time.

And just, why is life as such?

New Muse :)

It amazes me how I find muse at the wrongest times for songwriting.. I wrote the whole thing anyway, with my new guitar :D

But I can't get it to work with Garageband to get it recorded :(

And I'm sort of dying to share it, so I'll share the lyrics!

Words (Are So Scary).

VERSE 1:

Saturday night didn't feel so right,

Got my bags packed up on the edge of my mind,

Will you come around?

I'm sitting here, feeling you're around,

How your arms hold me,

And we're breathing without a sound,

You picked me off the ground.

CHORUS:

I try to be as perfect as you want me to be,

But your words never see,

How it cuts me underneath,

I know you that you will always be around for me,

But it hurts me, you never see,

How those razor blades in words,

Are so scary..

VERSE 2:

Where are we? Why're we standing there?

Why're we moving backwards from the memories we shared?

And they said life is fair.

It's back on you and it's back on me,

And I hope our story's not a tragedy,

But the writer couldn't see.

CHORUS.

BRIDGE:

I hate this part where we flip a page,

A new chapter, a brand new age,

You're moving on and it can't slow down,

When you'll turn around you'll see..

I try to be as perfect as you want me to be,

I hope that someday you will see,

How it cut me underneath,

I know you that you will always be around for me,

But it hurts me, you never see,

How those razor blades in words...

How they killed me.

Everytime I write something new, I'm so obsessed with it. And it's annoying how Garageband doesn't get along with my guitar.

am i even me?

I suddenly feel so empty, so bare, like there's nothing left inside of me. I'm just living a façade everyday, just to pull it through and live it off. What am I even doing? I have no idea.

SPM is in less than two weeks. Nobody's gonna be able to help me if I don't make an effort myself. When I tell people, I don't expect anyone to understand but it's not like I've never tried to pull myself together, really. So, to those of you who offered advice, thank you, but it's not doing me any good.

I really wish I can go back to being whoever I was. If this was the price, it's not worth paying. It was a hell of a lifetime experience, but it's just not worth it.

I'm so lost myself that I don't know where to go, or where to even begin. It's like an outer force has invaded my brain, my heart, whatever. I don't feel myelf anymore. I feel like there's a stranger living me.

Blogging is not gonna help much, but at least it's something. I really wish I can give up sometimes. I feel like I'm snapping.

And at the end of this blog post, nobody is going to believe me still. I know.

Original Song: You & Me

Cover or Content, Never Judge. Simple.

Never judge a book by its cover?

True.

But what if you know what's in it? Can you judge then?

The answer is no, because it's always lighter to read than to go through it, like how it's always easier said than done. Having said this, I don't mean that if you judge or offer any helpful commentaries, you're not being understanding. Because I understand that it's all for good, to make things better.

But sometimes, when someone has a cut and managed to conceal it so perfectly that that person itself don't feel the pain constantly anymore, you don't go and dig it all up again. Even if it's for good. It may just bleed and kill that person inside.

Some people prefer living it out, facing it, and probably getting everyone who's also hiding hurt, for pointing out the truth. But some people would rather take it all themselves and let others live a life that is probably not so hurtful, even if the other people are living in a lie.

Having all that said, I'm not a box. I'm open, to anything anyone has got to say.

But sometimes, some random times, it rips that wound in my heart, tearing it a little more every time.

Black Parade.

Every dream has to come to an end.

I guess when I said I couldn't sleep because reality is finally better than my dreams, I spoke too soon.

Things happen in life and as you go through it, you know it. But sometimes, you might know everything that's happening around you, but you don't know what to think of it. What to judge or what to even do.

Sometimes you wish that you could rewind time and never even started whatever that is. Sometimes you wish that you could hide under your blanket forever and not come out of it to face it. You wish you could sleep every second of the day so you don't have to face reality. And sometime you wish your heart could turn to stone.

It may not be anything that's happening to you. It could be things that are happening to people around you. Some people will tell me to mind my own business, but not to be rude or anything, if I could, I would, don't you think?

Haven't been blogging for a while.

I guess Blogger is still my best friend after all these while of not getting into this again. I've returned blogger, and yeah, still the same sort of shits.

Welcome to the black parade.

Cover Alert!

I

My first ever plucked string cover! :D

Loves.

Dear Saturday.

As if this part of life cannot get any worse, something else has to just pop up in front of me.

Trials is hard. Getting messed up in every other way is harder and when everyone expects every other thing from you, it's damn hell worse. It's not like I hate it. I mean, yeah I hate the fact that everyone just throws that on me and expects everything to fall down from the sky, just that. But in fact, life was getting so much better.

BUT OH WELLS.

I always get slapped in the face, don't I? In whatever it is. 2 times in a row, 3 different people and there goes my mood. Grow up, SM. Or let's just face it, I'm just the slave of my mind.

Sometimes I wonder why do I even exist.

Why Is This Happening Again?

That's it. I'm about to explode, I don't think I can take this anymore.

It really sucks when you're so messed up over an issue but you can't say a word to anyone at all. Oh God, you're killing me.

I think I know what's going on. I do, but I don't know if I misinterpreted anything. Because for all that I saw and thought yesterday seemed to have totally differ today.

I don't know what to do, or what to think, or even what to expect.

I'm just lost. Or it could be that I'm a little scared of what might happen if I actually had the guts to open my mouth and ask.

That's it blogger.

That's all you can know. It doesn't make me feel any better.

Kthxbai.

Gee, man.

You know like when you met someone and just instantly clicked with that person, init cools?

But that's not what I wanted to say today.

I wanted to blog about it but I know blogging means thinking aloud and the probability of my audience being the world is 1 out of 1.

And in matters like this, I hate blogging in the cryptic way that I always do.

BUT anyway.

I hate it when someone I care for is not feeling right, cause I can't do anything to change that. All I can do is probably listen..

It's really bad when that happens. I'm serious.

Okays, bye world.

Dear Saturday.

Just wanted to say today - don't judge a book by it's cover.

Before someone opens their book, don't ever assume it's contents. You'll be amazed.

There are things happening in the world that you may not know as an individual. I mean, you gotta expose yourself to a lot more things that you already have been. You will never reach stage when you'll have enough. Because it won't be.

I had a good day today :)

Hope you had a good day too readers..

Sequel: The Coke Favour III

You know when you start to work, it's like things get really turned around, and I bet it's gonna be a total change from high school.

Let's just say you became a boss. I guess it's really hard. But ya know, even if the stress level is unbearable, sometimes you really gotta think. You're busy and all that, yeah I get it but you've gotta care for other people's feelings as well.

For example, you set up a meeting with your staff and you always tell your staff how important it is to plan ahead and so that you can arrange your time and all that for the meeting with your staff. And say, your staff is really nice and they listen to you. They plan ahead, let you know, and all of you had an agreement.

That's good, it's good co-orperaton.

Then, you suddenly tell your staff one day before that you might not be able to attend this meeting, which means the meeting will turn pointless without your presence. Just because you set up another meeting with someone else, AFTER your staff tells you that you should be at meeting with them.

So now, what's a fair world?

Bosses always get their say. And us minorities will just have to stay on the unfair side of the world.

Oh well..

Sequel: The Coke Favour II

Sometimes when you don't want something to happen, you gotta say no, cause silence is often treated as an agreement.

So for example, if you don't like to be friends with a particular person, you've gotta stray away from her, even if she clings on to you like a magnet. The truth is, if you don't, she's never gonna know what you think of both of your relationship and you're just going to put yourself through the same torture again and again.

And it's not only a torture for yourself, it's a torture for the people around you as well. If you don't settle your own shit, you choose to hide, then that's fine with me and everyone else. So you don't come complaining to almost everyone that you don't want to be friends with this particular person again and again, everytime after she leaves.

And if you are on the other side of the boat, you gotta act, be and think smart. I just learnt in Bio today that it's all about inheritance and I remember seeing this part of a chromosome that says SMART and NOT SO SMART. So whether or not you inherited the dominant one or the recessive one, sometimes, I think everyone has common sense. Even someone with an IQ as low as mine.

To avoid bad relationships in life, if you're in the first situation, you gotta be truthful. If you don't and you go on ranting, it's gonna mess with every other relationship in your life. If you're in the second situation, never test one's limits.

End.

College?

I guess every teenager faces this problem, somehow or rather : Choosing the right college.

I've been college-hunting, but none of the colleges around town satisfy my needs and expectations. Probably I'm just to picky, like how I'm picky for everything that's happening in life. Oh well, you gotta be a little choosy to get the best, right :D

But now I'm kind of, really, sort of, not so but yeah, in a lost state. Because even college T is out of the league. Way out of the league. And I even open up to take College H into consideration but that's out of the league too.

So now, it's probably time to crash some open days and sorts like that :) I would if I have to even if I'm NEVER a fan of 'em. I just never really liked the way those people ask me about my future, like why should I explain it to them? It's mine anyway.

Oh well, let's see how things go :)

An "Awsem" Day :)

I haven't been on Twitter for really long now. Well, I have been... Just not as frequently as I use to go.

And booyeah, Zee Avi RT-ed and replied :D

Words

Words are scary..

Wait, no. Actually, its interpretations are scarier.

When words are spoken, they're just words. But when they're interpreted, they could be interpreted wrongly, very easily and those innocent words end up being those that probably caused a murder or something as sinful as that.

Okay, I'm sleepy already. I guess I'll stop here.

Bye :)

Shout Outs

Hey guys, I've been really tied up with stuff these days and I'm really, rarely on blogspot blogging; so what more going about other people's blogs. But oh well, I went over to one today, which inspired this post in a way.

I have been meeting lots of people these days, of which some I do know follow my blog. So here's a couple of rare shout-outs to you lovely people :)

William Soo;

Hey yo, I know you're back in Malaysia, I got your text but I haven't even the time to save your number up :/ thousand apologies.. Will make time to chill for the frap and jam sessions :p Thanks for the mention and publicity. Giving lots of hearts to you. Really, really appreciate it.

Pn Betty;

Oh 'cher, it was so very nice to meet you again the other day. I was really happy to hear your story of how I came about in your life, which seemed really much like tv to me, but it's cool to know. I know you used to read my blog, if you still do, I REALLY LOVE YOU :)

Mum;

I wonder if you're still reading my blog. If you are, just to let you know I'm giving you a shout-out. So be happy :) <3

(If you want a shoutout, let me know you follow :p)

Love.

The Coke Favour

When you have a glass full of Coke, don't stop people from filling their glasses.

I was having a really good day today. It was Sports Day! Oh wait, correction, it's MY LAST Sports Day in Assunta :( The day went on really well, until someone decided to stop me from filling my glass with coke.

Now I was just minding my own business, doing all I could to support F&N and mind you, Coke is like my ultimate fav. Probably where I was pouring the coke was not exactly um, the most strategic location? But hey, every year when we throw this party, we have our Cokes there.

So when my friends and I were busy with the Coke, this person just watched us from a far and told us that we should respect the rest who weren't into this Coke business, saying that we should have our Cokes somewhere else. But then, this person turns back to where he/she was standing, and got her/himself a Coke!

Whoa, hold on there, now what was all that talk about not having Coke to respect the others? You just turned to get yourself a can of Coke! And you're stopping me to have my Coke? I guess I can probably sue you for human's rights to be treated equally.

So note, dear readers, please never stop people from having their Cokes when they're totally hyped into it. Stopping people is one thing, doing it yourself right after is another. Be smart in your act, peeps!

This also applies to whatever else you are gonna do in life; live smart, think before you act.

No one rules, so technically, no one has the rights to tell anyone off unless they are committing terrible sins or whatsoever.

And ps: Thanks Coke, for being my representation on an incident that happened :)

The Harsh Way

You say, as if that's ever gonna work?

I say, hell jyeah! It worked.

You know when you keep telling certain people some things and they never listen to you and end up being the ones who spoils the whole big thing in the end? It's really annoying.

Somethings have got to be done the harsh way when situations like these appear. And by saying the hard way, I don't actually mean that you should go bash up a fellow or something. You've just got to give them a fright.

I did that today, and although I know people are not supportive of the idea but well, it worked. Everyone was like possessed to nod in agreement to whatever she said. Whatever it is, it's settled.

So the thing is, you've got to work it out with a different approach when you know your initial way of looking at it is too nice.

School Is Cool.

Actually, am I the only one who thinks school is cool.

I mean, I only have another, say 4 months till high school is over. Isn't anyone gonna miss high school? Yeah, well, I know things must move on and all that, but hey, Assunta has been all my life, and now I'm stepping out of it? It seems like I'm gonna suffocate.

But well, being in Assunta is a good suffocating lesson. I've learnt a lot. And I guess I'm gonna miss being chased by Editorial deadlines and last minute video-making, songwriting, events planning, hunting people down for AV money and even sneaking laptop-usage during lesson to complete the above list.

I really don't mind all these stress, come to think of it. I seem to enjoy it now, having loads to do. Cause I know when I leave school, I'm gonna miss it. The days would feel empty without having everyone chasing after you. Oh boy...

Yeah, there're many people who goes to Assunta but how many actually treats it like home? Everyone treats it like just a school, no one seems to see the difference.

Assunta is like a legend and not just a school instructed for construction just for the sake of providing education. Assunta is a home that holds hearts of just any Assuntarian past, present and to come. It's a pity that not everyone of us understands that.

Oh well,

Long live Assunta :)

This is MY LULLABY.

I kinda picked up the guitar and wanted to play something random and spontaneous. And somehow, I murmured a few lines of 'What The Hell' while playing this tempo.

So I went on and it turned out pretty cool.

Just wanted to share :)

LIKE IT? :D

I'm Such An Assuntarian :D

The other day, I was at the Art Gallery, hanging with the IU peeps.

And, I was messing 'round with this particular performance. Madam Shanty came about and said something that totally means something big.

She simply said something like, "Join in lah, the more the merrier". It's a simple line. It is.

But it means a whole lot more beyond.

It tells me that it doesn't matter which society, or organization you belong to, it's about being who you are that defines you as a person. It's all about the spirit of togetherness, the spirit of family, the spirit of Assunta.

We're always a big family where everyone just blends with one another so well that it impresses many other people. It's a sort of attitude that is nurtured and a sort of spirit that we have that makes us stand out like that.

Every society has an open door. And if you're being who you really are, trying to help each other out sincerely without any classifications of society, the door is always open for you. Assunta is a big family where everyone is equal. There is no classifications at all.

I felt a really heavy rush of Assuntarian spirit when I heard this line. I think too much I think; but really, sometimes the coolness of everything is when you interpret something so deeply out of plain simplicity :)

Oh well,

Mdm Shanty for the win :)

JUST. LET. GO.

Today I learnt that letting go is probably the best way out.

When you go through something and when you really feel the urge of doing something, it's really important how you weigh your priorities. If you act to much with your feelings, you'd probably be able to satisfy the urge of that time, but have you ever though if your act that once will ever affect your future?

I thank God I did not.

For one, I was too much of a thinker. I think too much before I act. Which, now, I know, brings me good :D

And, now, I've learnt to let go. It's probably the best way out. Only do something when you feel that you should and that it causes the least damage. I'm waiting for the right time. And I think I've decided on the best.

So dear bloggers and dear readers, take my experience as an example for your future decisions. I hope it helps :)

It's ALL My Fault

And today I wanted to say, when you did something that you really regret, it's your fault.

Just like when I decided to do what I did on Friday and Saturday, it's my fault that it all happened, it's my fault that I made you noticed me, and it's my fault that you still catch my attention so much.

And when I clicked into that picture just now, it's my fault that I stared at it a little longer, it's my fault that I thought of what Elisa said this morning, it's my fault that I had to let my mind run and it's my fault that my heart even sunk.

It shouldn't have.

For all I have now for you, is plain rationale of awe and nothing more. I'm old enough to know what's wrong and what's right. I know I need to let go.

So DO IT SM Chan.

Stop saying it, empty words don't count.

I'm Making An Effort, So Give Me A Chance

Just a message to everyone. Think before you act.

Cause somethings that you've done in the past cannot be erased and it shall live as a black mark in your life.

No matter how well you have moved on, or you think you have moved on, it remains. You know it just as well and you know if you don't make an effort to scrub that black mark off, it will linger in your forever and haunt you till the very end of eternity.

Whether or not it involves anyone or just anything at all, just take a deep breathe, step up and apologize or just clarify whatever that you think you should. Because trust me, it will make you open up and get out of that box you've been hiding in.

That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

All I need is a chance.

So dear God, please help me pull through this :)

I'm Gonna Be Open Bout The Title : MCM

Hey world :)

I just came back from Music Con Brio 2011 and 'twas brilliant!

Everyone would probably be rejoicing now, so am I, but I can't help but to lose myself again in the deep sea of mysterious looks and spiteful rumours. As much as I wish you'd remember me, it was awkward when I don't know if you're looking at me when you turn.

I know I'm being really paranoid everytime your eyes just gaze over to that direction of the hall. It may not be me, it may be someone else. But I'm afraid that it makes you uncomfortable that you know of my presence.

I was dumb and stupid 3 years back. But little did you know, the girl who strayed away from you has changed so much since. I am now who I am and I am no longer that creep who fantasize about being like you.

I wish they didn't tell you anything about it, I wish you never knew. But although I never got the confirmation, I know you knew.

Just tell me if you wish to. Anything.

Just don't make this worse.

Although we have hardly spoken more than 10 times.

Now The White Is Black

It's strange to say. I have a lot of friends going up and down, passing me by, but none of them ever stopped to ponder why. I thought there was. Once it felt real true, but now, every one.. every single one of them walked past, saw a shield of insecurity and left it hanging there.

Today is such a bad day.

It started by giving me a terrible tummy ache that follows the early morning tummy cramp. It's bad. And I thought when the day actually begin it'd be better. But hell, no.

Sleep has been such a desperation today. I got waken up, for inevitable school routine. It just probably made me a little unhappy. But I never expected it to become something so bad. I lost it.

School has always been a happy place - a home for joy and laughter, but today, it's scarier than home. It's like I'm hopping between both worlds where one is black and the other is white. The dark side is like a nightmare haunting me in the day.. and the white usually, is the only part of life where things seem neutral.

But today, it's gone.

Even the day has gone dark and the people surrounding me now seem like monsters trying to rip me apart.

I'm such a mess.

Who do you think you are?

Have you never thought why I leave my things everywhere and forget to bring the right things back for school?

Have you never thought why in the first place, I even bring my things all around?

Have you never thought that you were the one who started it?

I don't mind if you comprehend, if you understand what I feel and what I thought. But you don't, you think I'm impossible, I'm a crazy batch who doesn't care about anything. I'm not, because all you see is a facade that I thought you'd know me enough to break through.

It tears me down to know that you don't care. Those silent tears I cry behind your back, next to you in the passenger's seat, behind you as you walk in front of me and the teardrops that fell on your keyboard as I'm typing this, you never knew whenever I did. Because, you never saw how much I hurt.

And it hurts more when your cold, bare words pricked through my shattering heart as you text with your phone to who we both know is, with words warmer than the fireplace.

I am not a sinner, so I don't know one.

But I know you're stepping deeper and deeper into transforming to one.

Help.

What Is Wrong With The World?

I am at rage.

Warning: This post is not directed to anyone in particular (although it is, it isn't entirely that person's fault) but that is all I could take before I explode (which I already have).

I hate to hurt other people's feelings, but sorry, I am at rage. And there isn't anyone or any wall that I could punch right now. So dear bloggers, your eardrums shall be the ones that will vibrate at its maximum frequency for I shall scream at it right now, as you imagine me doing it with these piercing words I type. And this blog shall be the wall where I punch and carve these utterly senseless words onto.

Hiii-yaaah! *karate dropkicks*

Things never work. I don't intend to take any charge at all, and when I let loose, things NEVER work. I am not intimidating, no. If you know what I'm talking about, I'm just really ABSOLUTELY mad.

When you make plans, you confirm it and you tell your friends it's settled, you don't text someone at 11.00pm to cancel plans of the day after. I have a driver, yes but that does not mean, I am free all the time to go anywhere in the world. I have made my plans and yes, I HAVE. And you have no idea how much I'd gone through to save a day off my very busy holidays plan. I stay up to finish the things that I needed to do tomorrow, just to spare a day.

I. AM. BUSY.

That's the bottom line. We had a great time working together, yes and I loved every single one of you, but loving someone has a limit too. .

And now, plans are cancelled. JUST CANCELLED.

How brilliant can this get?

I HAVE DONE SO MUCH TO LET TODAY WORK AND IT'S CANCELLED AN HOUR BEFORE THE DAY ARRIVES. HOW CAN I NOT GET MAD?

I have feelings too

And the best part is, you want to postpone it to the next day.

So please don't expect me to go through all that within 24 hours, to rearrange my plans, and my dad's plans included because we have a schedule to follow to make sure our times don't clash with wherever the driver is going. You're lucky you have someone to send you everywhere all the time. I don't.

I never liked saying anything harsh or make anyone feel awkward, but this is me. I tolerate, I get to a point and I explode. Just like BOOM. Don't think that just because I joke around and I am senseless enough to be pushed around.

A whole lot more revolves behind my insane image of a happy child with the simplest thinking. Beware D:

Lavigne Fever !

I've been Youtube roaming and I found this pretty awesome video that I never knew. And oh my, such a shocking surprise :D

That little spongebob up there probably gave you some hint already?

Yeah, it's spongebob-related.. And judging by the fact that it's got punked red 'hair' and the fact that I am an currently head over heels into Avril Lavigne's music, you're guessing it right.

Check it:

Partying, partying, yeah !

I guess I made my first move to live like a rockstar at the karaoke yesterday. I had such a good day :) The karaoke session was just what I need to kick off my holidays - we sang; we screamed; we danced; we partied. It was hell good.

Then the arcade session was unbeatable. We were ranked 34th in the shooting game. I never actually knew what the game was called, but if you're an arcade junkie, you'd know. It's in a cubicle-car like structure and you shoot huge, giant bugs and slimy creatures. Got it? No? Play it then.. And hehh, beat it.

Well today was good too. I'm deprived and will be deprived of the guitar for a few days, till Wednesday. I'm feeling like there's insufficient oxygen. But well, patience is virtue :) I know.

Just wanted to say that sometimes, when you see people, just random people, being helpless and fretting over something that may seem really petty to you, it could mean something big to them. So stop by, and help. It doesn't matter how much you can help, just ask. That's all that person may ever need.

Someday, step out of your selfishness, and look around.

The world needs you too.

Avril Lavigne Inspired.

So cute and bright as my previous blog design and description was, life has totally been ruled by Avril Lavigne for the past few days, and probably a few months more.

My current blog design and theme is proudly, Avril Lavigne inspired :)

Like it?

Goodbye Lullaby

As obvious as it is, I AM AVRIL LAVIGNE OBSESSED.

And thinking back, the last time I was as crazy as this was 4 years back when The Best Damn Thing was still the hit. And I lost all the vibe.

BUT, her new album is REALLY really good. No, she didn't pay me to say that :p

It's an entirely different style from what she usually write. The non-related songs are still there like What The Hell and Smile, but the rest of the album is filled with personal feelings, really cool songs like Wish You Were Here and Remember When and everything else.

Trust me, when I actually spend 60 bucks to buy an album that I've already downloaded, it must be good :) Cause when I come across a really good album, I HAVE TO OWN IT :D (even if I've downloaded it) I'm weird :)

It's 1.15 am.

I'm rocking to Avril Lavigne and going crazy :D

You've got to also check out Avril's awesomeness:

Sleep? Pfft..

But that isn't the reason why I am not sleeping at night.

I remember how I used to stay awake until just seconds before the sun rises. I used to win over sleep, and own it. But that, was 2 years ago. I guess it's taking a u-turn on me now :) I'm living it again.

And I love it so.

You know how when you smell a scent, watch a similar memory replay in reality or do the same thing that you used to do with someone, suddenly reminds you of it? It actually makes things seem more solid. Like, there are memories at least, because sometimes everything seem like it's only an illusion. Delusion maybe.

So I'm awake.

Because I wanted to feel it again. I miss blogging like how I thought someone I wanted to, would read it. I really missed it. I'm weird.

(and also probably because add math is technically tomorrow, and I'm not even close to Pythagoras's mentality)

Oh well.

Yeah, It's Us Against The World..

There goes another video :)

The video count in my Youtube is shooting up, I've been really addicted to the guitar, although I can hardly play more than a few chords and 2 or 3 different strum patterns. Hehh D:

I hope you'll smile as you listen closely to the lyrics and think of all that we've been through together, cause it's been a great deal. And we're still as we used to be, or even better, although we are both very busy in our own world and hardly ever get the chance to have a good chat like old times.

I miss how things used to be and sometimes I can't help but to let loose of the tear in my eye watching those days play like a silent film in my head. But I am also very grateful for whatever that's happening right now.

And it makes me even happier knowing that I messed up the dates, that it's supposed to be on the 16th a month easier. Because it shows me that you actually remember it :)

Love :)

It's Bieber Fever :)

I guess from certain parts you could hear that I'm having a flu. Despite that and the on-going exams, I needed a break and I got super addicted to the song all over again :)

So here it goes.

PS: SORRY, the last part is kinda messy D:

Stop Doing That

Sorry dear iPhone, I let you down.

Your heart shattered, and your screen cracked.

I'm sorry.

I was clicking around in Facebook and stumbled upon your profile. My fingers itched to press into it. I did. And it brought me to a whole new stage of having a bad day.

You told me that I was the only one, who would have done all that and gone through so much for you, when I barely actually know you. You told me you wouldn't be able to find another me in that new environment that you're at right now.

But what did you do?

You asked someone if it's because she likes you, or your style of working. It isn't much of a question but I'm just a little too sensitive and i feel pricked. Very painfully pricked.

It's okay. It's not like it's the first time you treat me so coldly and act so warm on FB.

I'm used to your style.

PS: Don't judge who 'you' is.

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As much as I love pouring emoness into this blog. It is now pretty drenched with it already.

So I guess it's enough?

Hmm, I haven't much to say though.

But I've promised someone I'd post this.

Check out my friend's blog;

www.justifiedmercy.blogspot.com

He's William Soo :)

Ring-A-Ding-A-Ding

I feel my heart breaking open, to allow an awful rush of tears, deep down in that cut that was once scarred through my heart - as I read bits and random scraps of our text messages and my completely selfish perceptions about us in my very, very old blog posts. I wish real tears could run down my cheeks, it'd save more of the pain.

To think that I was even feeling uneasy with your daily absence around me, now it's like a perpetual prick in my ears saying that it's an absence in life.

I don't miss seeing you around, because I got used to hollowness of the empty hallways; I don't miss your text messages anymore, because I got used to seeing your name drop lower and lower in my inbox each day; I don't miss hearing you call my name anymore, because I'm not even surprised that you can't remember what I'm called.

But did you know, I have an extraordinary memory for what I shouldn't remember. And yeah, that includes every moment I spent with you.

I really wish I could transform into that naive, i-don't-really-care-about-what's-going-on-in-life girl. I wish, like you said, I have never met you.

Because you were right,

It wouldn't have been this hard for me if I never knew you.

Breaking Down

I woke up this morning having a bad dream, though I wouldn't actually call it a nightmare. Because it's a bad dream that I'd rather have in reality. Rather than having to find the right chance to say out loud what I've got to say.

I feel that everything is breaking down. People who were once so close to me are straying so far away that sometimes I wish when they look back, they'd at least catch a glimpse of me. And the people who were once so unfamiliar to me, are those who are standing right beside me now.

What happened?

You used to give me all the chills that you want to, even if you know that it's too much for me to take. But I did. I took it right there and never gave up on you. I thought you needed a break, and I even spaced a break, but now it doesn't seem to be working like old times anymore. You've probably changed, and realised that I am actually replaceable. No longer, the only one you've met..

Another you used to care so much for me, making sure everything is fine. No doubt, I don't deny or doubt that you know that I am vulnerable like this. But it also isn't really you to be acting this way. I don't know what happened between us. Not the slightest idea. But I know something is different.

Let's just say, those who are reading this are those that are left with me in this battle that I'm still fighting.

The Only One In The World

Life has be jinxed back to the usual chills.

I hate seeing the glaring swing of emotions in the text messages you text me. It may be obscure to others but to me, I read you really well already. Experience doesn't give you any more than routines do.

Why do you always have to lead the game? Why do you always have to be in control of me? Can't I ever make you feel miserable like how you always make me feel? Not that I ever can bear that thought.

Sometimes I wish you could taste your own medicine. How you get my hopes all jumping high up when you talk to me like how you did when I first came to know you. And how you crash them all when your replies transform into cold silence.

Oh well,

Things rotates. Someday, you will be back to making me feel like I deserve it, before bursting my trippy bubbles again.

She said..

I know I haven't been blogging for a while. Sorry!

Well, I'm currently trying out the Maxis Broadband, which, isn't exactly working well. I can't be blaming anyone because well, hehh, I'm on the thirdteenth floor. What sort of signal do I expect? Pfft.

Hmm, this year has been tough. With everyone having wrong perceptions about everything else. Yeah, all the right people, for all the wrong perceptions. That's beyond sad.

I feel that I'm losing it all. Everything.

Not reality-ly but in a way that no one else could perceive except for the one who's going through it. And obviously enough, that's me. She was right when she said 'go for it'.

Because yeah,

I'm about to begin to strive all I have to 'go. for. it.'

Ain't No Judge

I promised Sue Lynn that I'd blog about the topic that we mutually had an idea on today, and tag her in it on Facebook. But I had to change my mind and keep that for tomorrow, perhaps.

I think I've just set my mind to write a sequel of "Men from Mars; Women from Venus", just that, I'd call it, "Women from Earth, Men from Pluto". Yes because, (I am not a sexist) but women is normal and men, generally isn't much as compared. I am not picking on a gender, I am just saying this based on certain male characters that bring disgrace to the entire men community.

And to all my male readers, please don't feel offended. Instead, be happy that you are normal! And laugh with me together at the rare ones of your community.

I'm not saying that I've actually met one in life. And I'm not even saying that I'm even right about this whole thing that I'm blogging. I'm no one to judge, but I am me, and I dare blog my thoughts.

Reading too much isn't much of a good thing sometimes, it makes you angry.

And the Form 5 syllabus provokes much anger just as well.

Loves;

Always haunted.

You painted me a blue sky but you tore it down again.

Just like you did every other time.

It didn't really bother me today. I wasn't feeling much at all, probably because my mood was swinging in my head like how pendulums swing in Physics. I was perfectly fine.

I needed help, I typed a friends name in my 'send' bar and your name appeared. And it just has to remind me that I wasn't talking to you anymore. Just like how the other day, when I was casually talking to someone and she had to mention how easy it was when you were here. How coincidental is that?

If you were here, I might even thought that you arranged it yourself. But I know it can't be. God did maybe? But I believe in Him.

I wish this would end.

With either you ignoring me for the rest of your life.

Or at least, making an effort to make things work.

Stop Being Like That

I think we ought to have the rights to decide who we want to be, and not just accept everything as it goes.

In an example, if you are an antisocial, and if you think you are an antisocial, then you may be an antisocial. But nothing is perpetual. If you think you are antisocial, you may not necessarily be one. Life is in your hands, change it.

No use telling everyone you are an antisocial and that is why you listen to really emo songs and that you grew up with them. No. Life is not gamed that way. You don’t compromise to thinking you’re antisocial and adapt to it. You turn it around, mate!

What I’m trying to say is. Stop giving yourself reasons to being what you think you are and never try to compromise. Life is not a game of tolerance; life is a legend that you only get to live once. Make it worthwhile.

And so I’m building my stand.

Freaky Apples.

How do apples taste like?

I don't wanna try these.. at all.

I had the best interview in two years, being in Features. Oh now I know why I love life and why everyone else wanted to be a part of us :D Oooh, dear Featurettes, this is the year!

I'M SO HAPPY I JUST FOUND A SOLUTION TO ALL MY PROBLEMS. (Y) Win.

Guess this is the last post before school hits. I mean, well, you know, every time school takes over life, I lose it; time, life and all. And today is Sunday. The last bits of the sweet, sweet weekend..

Enjoy the last bits, peeps! <3

Road Heroes

I really can't wait till I can actually lay my hands on the steering wheel. I NEED TO DRIVE, like now. But no, apparently, I'm still underage. Oh Lord, I have another say 6 months till I'm 'eligible'. But then, I would be frantically twisting my wires to prepare for SPM, and I wouldn't wanna take car-accident-risks. (although I'd have insurance :p).

Oh well, I do salute drivers who honk. I mean, what's the rush?
Honking is like saying 'shhhhh' when someone needs to go to the loo.
But doing that, takes a whole lot of courage, I'd say.

When I can actually call myself a driver, I don't think I'm much of a honker. I like peace :) And I wouldn't like to 'catch attention' with my honk.

And I'd like to give a shoutout to WML 2280.
Dear WML 2280, you have no idea how much I actually admire your courage to honk when the space there was sufficient for a stampede of elephants :O Oh believe me, I really do. It must have taken a lot for you to decide to make yourself such a hero. <3

*Italics for an extra tone in voice (to show my sincerity) :)

Change of Looks

I guess it's time to put on some new clothing for this blog. Probably a change of mood will help brighten things up a little :)

ICC's tomorrow. An event that most (actually, really, A LOT of) people pay extra attention to and take it as if it's the biggest thing that's ever happened in the century. But although, yes, it's good and entertaining and all that. Wild Child FTW peeps ;)

As much as the new skin is reviving your senses, i hope it makes you as happy as I am.

Have a good weekend!

<3

Friday Joy.

Friday night out?

Naaaah, this Friday is to sleep in for an early Saturday.

I feel more like a student now, as typical as anyone else in school. I didn't use normal, because i don't think anyone is abnormal :)

As much as I enjoy skipping lessons just to elude the fact that I'm in school to learn, I hate it when I miss out whatever that's happening. It's hard. When you don't know what's going on and when the world expects you to know as though you're some mind-reader.

So, I'm retired I guess. Almost. It's time when the pace slows down. I had a very quick rhythm last year, maybe too quick for me to retrace this year. This, year, is, big. Oh no D:

Oh well, tomorrow's Friday. End of the week :)

JOY.

When I Don't Blog?

Tired Eyes.

When you say an insignificant goodbye to someone you care for, you'd think that it's permanent. But little did you know, we'd return every year to throw you that same surprise :D

Today was long and tiring. School wasn't draggy at all, with in fact, 4 periods off for some sweet sleep :) Lit test was pretty good. You know it when you know you have something to write on and on for pages :D 2 questions in 3 pages is beyond average in my dictionary. Then, off for some mundane stoning, gift hunting, dinner and jengjengjeng, the cream of the day :D

Ahh, how much effort we threw in.. :D

I'm feeling really happy right now, although I'm dead tired to the tip of my toe. Oh boy, homework never consider the fact that you're dead, it still haunts you :O

So here's a happy belated birthday to you :)

Hope you had a great surprise and sorry we made you cry <3

Loves.

I'm back.

And that's the story of Macau :)

Serenity, chills and happiness..

I just got back from my mum's place last night, to greet a whole lot of Malaysian stress again. Oh jyeah, bring it on! D: Recording was on today, almost the entire day, that is. Oh boy, am I sapped of energy.

And here I am, debating whether to complete homework, study for lit test or finish off other school obligatory. It's now or never, cause I'm already half asleep. I'm totally drunk in fatigue.

I guess tomorrow's gonna be a good day. I'm excited to show Pn M the draft of my recording. Really am. Assembly, assembly, how I feel like such a stranger after a fortnight :)

Give me love <3

"Guitar Blues" :)

Expired Coffee

Life is like a cup of coffee?
Or more like the pile of Sejarah essays beneath the cup of coffee?

Today, I learnt that life is life. You can’t change life as and when you want because it affects more people than you think it will.

When you think you’re leading a terrible life, try counting the joy than the tears.

Yes, as much as destiny is in your hands, a change is always drastic. Sometimes, you tell yourself that it’s your life, like how Bon Jovi tells all of us, but have you ever thought of the people in it?

You snap your fingers, flick off your shield, and transform into a new you. But as much as it seems like it only concerns you, it’s does not. Because every little action of yours affects someone else in this world.

So would you rather be the pile of history essays, staying just like the way you are and give in the chances of being a new person altogether.

Or are you just gonna be as carefree as the cup of coffee?
Well I’m a cup of expired coffee then.

I Watch Superman Fly Away..

Super man is a legend. Why? Because Jerry Siegel made him legend.

So shouldn't Jerry be the legend then?

When someone says life isn't fair, I'd always say in silent that oh well, it's just the way you look at things. But come to think of it, really, what is fair?

Back to my 'the-world-is-round' notion, life should be fair right?

Hmm, I don't think so. But then again, life do not lead you, you lead your life to whatever you choose to. So who's it to blame that 'life is not fair'? :P

Similarly, it reflects just in my life. As much as I complain and hate the fact that someone I care for tend to ignore me at times, I know that I should ignore her equally 'to be fair to life'. But then, I don't. I treat that person twice as much as I should, because I want that person to know that I care :)

So when I get upset for that person not replying, I tell myself that it's not life that's unfair, it's me that's making it seem that life is unfair.

So you should too :)

You Think You're Small, I Think I'm Smaller.

I'm probably thinking too much.

And now I feel bad that I showed her my last post because now she'd feel 10 times worse telling me about it because you would think that it's now bothering me like how it shouldn't. Oh Lord, please save me.

I probably made a wrong move. But all I wanted to do is to tell her that no matter how much she is going through, I will be there for her, though being there for her doesn't make much of a difference. At this point, I'm lost. I'm lost for words, thoughts and every other emotion. All I can do is to drown myself with school.

As much as I don't believe or don't want to believe the seriousness of it, a small part of me tells me that it's for real this time.

That 4 lines are still pounding in my head, echoing at the edge of it.

I wish it could just fall out like that.

I'm sorry if I made you feel bad;

I just wanted to let you know that you're not as small as you think I see you as.

If You're Reading This, and If I Lose You.

It suddenly struck me when I was having a conversation with someone who really means a lot to me. I don't know if it's the horror of the truth, or the power of the words, but it made my heart sank. Real deep.

She said: What if that randomness never happens again?

I said: Then I'll live with memories.

She said: You sure?

I said: If it really doesn't happen again, I'll HAVE to.

I don't know why, but it just diverged off our main stream and we ended up on a winding road that leads to that point. I wish we didn't actually go there in the first place.

If I lose you, I'd cry and cry my lungs off even if I know that it wouldn't be of any use, and I may not even be anyone significant who is worth acknowledging, no matter how much you tell me you do.

If I lose you, the memories that we have had together would play in my mind like a silent film, on a loop at every second, watching me drown myself in misery.

If I lose you, I'd try to pretend like I don't feel anything at all, because I know you wouldn't want it to fall like a rainstorm on me when I know deep inside, tears are flowing out like a flooded river.

But to be honest, living with memories is three big, bold and scary words which require a hell lot of courage to say out. I did, because I know I will, even if I know brainwashing myself hurts less.

No matter what happens, I will never forget that one great year that we've had together.

Don't think, KNOW it.

Hanging On..

Some people see it but they don't react;

Some people react as though they saw it.

So which type are you?

Life has been insane, and sleeping at almost 2.00am every night (or morning) doesn't seem to be much of a help. I don't feel tired or fall asleep in class anymore at all, because there's too much swirling about my tight mind at every second.

Walking about like a drug bag, sniffing my nose off didn't feel good either. Otherwise, my nose leaks like a pipe with a drilled hole. I think my tissue paper usage over these 2 weeks killed almost an entire forest. Whoops.

But when all these messes you up just as crabbily as you feel when you wake up with a jolt in the middle of a sweet dream, there are things that still makes life worthwhile :)

And I'm still hanging on..

Eyes Everywhere

I can feel my brain cells dying, helplessly screaming and pounding on the edge of my tired brain. I shall take a break now and go to bed, hopefully at some time :)

Morning Monday, you started with a great deal of thrill, for giving me heartbeats at a pace that is against Physics. The higher the rate of my heartbeat, the more I think it will pump out of my heart. I love speaking Biology, for some reason :)

Life's good :)

And so I quoted you;

"A happy blend of scientific logic and artistic creativity".

Accept The Fact Please.

Why do I even bother convincing myself to let loose of my ever-piling workload and take a break from trying to balance myself on a tightrope? When i actually somehow or rather, know that I will reach a time when I'll lose it and fall head over heels, back into my preconceived notion about delegations and obligations.

How mundane is that again? Remind me please.

I tried. I did. I drugged myself with positive beliefs that I should have but by fact, I don't. I'm just drugged by my own poison. And just, how dumb and ironic is that?

So I've learnt my lesson.

The next time when someone asks me why am I doing everything, I shall not try to please them again.

Enough said.

PS: A great friend really helps :) even if they are in more trouble than you are. I hearts EvaChen :)

Uncertainties Are Scary.

Four days flew really quickly. It seems like when I last spoken to you was ages ago. I absolutely spurn it. Like how kids hate clowns. I can't stand the these long intervals that we always have to pull through.

Wait, correction: ...that I have to force through; that you didn't notice.

I always wonder why you and I just never get along well enough like how good friends ever do. Perhaps 'good friends' is a little too heavy of a term? But age is not an acceptable answer, for sure.

Of all people who passed by my life, I'd decided to invite you for a stop-by, when there are others who actually care to care. I don't lower the boom on you because I know it's life. Actually, I convinced myself to believe that it's life.

But whatever it is, at the end of the day, I really do appreciate you.

Question is, do you?

Have I Reached?

In a hurried pace, I walked passed a closed door, which then opened behind my back, letting out a very familiar, "Sweet Mae!".

WHOA. I met an old teacher. And it reminded me of how everything used to be so very much easier when I was lost in the pursuit of absolutely nothing. I was a lost soul with no direction and no purpose, but as it unravel sooner, I lost hope. But I have faith.

I have faith to turn it all back now.

I have faith to make you choke on words that you once spoke,

And I have faith to prove to the world that all that they believe did not escape from me.

And as I write this, I am still catching bare wind. Ironically, I feel like me again.

Two-day

I got drugged by Chemistry, lovestruck and bitten by a love-bug.

Valentine's has never been much of a celebration, but it was definitely one day that I always dream fairytale. I'm not much of a kid who wastes half her day dreaming for and of a prince, but I am a still a girl who believes in Price Charming and Cinderella.

So much for that, this year was one that Valentine's that didn't seem much like a significant date in the calendar. Oh well, I guess I was wrong.

So lovebirds, or non-lovebirds, I hoped you had a good day altogether :)

I had the time of my life.

I had suck a great day yesterday :D To be honest, I have never had such a 'family' feeling CNY in a while, where everyone sits together, having fun, chatting over dinner, topped with the favourite 'loh sang'. Kids running here and there, screaming their lungs off, rambling the world like they couldn't care less about everyone else. I used to get really iritated but yesterday, it felt as though it was part of the CNY spirit.

It's just that, let's put it this way, if only I have a family like that.

I'm really glad to be invited. It was like a family reunion thing. An invitation means a whole lot to me :) Gladly, and I could feel almost as if I belong as well.

Family politics, yeah, it may or may not exist but it definitely diffused into the air between them to even hit anyone on the face.

No lies.

Silence.

Just as the bond between the both of us has been coated with a shiny lining of electricity, once again sparking like the old times, something has just got to set the fire.

I do value the thought of you texting me early in the morning about it. I love it when you care to tell me things that revolve around your life. And I understand how it feels to lose someone you love, so very much.

Things change when time flies away. You can never expect someone to last forever there being by your side. It's a fact I've learnt from remorse and much guilt that I relinquish.

I feel bad - I don't know what I am supposed to say to make you smile again, to dry up your tears and fill your heart with some warmth. I don't. But I'm sure there are a lot people there for you, comforting you in every way. One more or one less note from me might not be very visible at this bare moment.

All I can do now is to leave you with some peace and pray for everything to be fine.

RIP.

Through the night

Oh it just struck me that I haven't posted these videos.

Enjoy :)

This was for the Nose High School programme - just a simple production to illustrate the colours of our Assuntarian life :D

And this is an original composition, the theme song of ASW 2011 : Love.Cherish.Assunta. It's gonna be recorded soon! Keep watch :)

xoxo(s)

Fireworks - You Spark.

I'm back from Macau to face a whole lot of workload, and now struggling nonchalantly to compete with the colour of the night. I'm staking a whole lot of pride in my almost completed tasks.

Obligations, routines, plus a pinch of panic, for Monday - that's technically, today.

We're back to the usuals, morning assemblies, teacher-on-duty(s) and everything else, of in which I find most exciting and mundane at the same time. I love life as much as I love the world :)

Fireworks, when it sparks, it's like telling us to appreciate that moment because in the next blink, the sparks fall and spreads its love to the people watching it. I like fireworks :) It makes me think how some of our friendship just sparks up as and when it likes.

But the best thing is, friendships last forever (Y)

Happy CNY :D

Chinese New Year in a Chinese country has always seem very 'family'.

Well here I am now, it's pretty much the same. Everything has evolved too much that even the people content in this world are too busy either chasing for the better or being too self-consumed to even care to learn the word 'love'.

Either way, I dare say I am a very traditional Chinese :) Probably because of the way I was brought up, the beliefs that I was soaked in and the customs that is seemingly running in my blood. And you know, I'm proud of it :)

So here's to everyone,

Xin Nian Kuai Le and Gong Xi Fa Chai :)

农历新年快乐, 恭喜发财.