another failed attempt

the clock struck 7.06 am. 2400 ticks had gone by since the moment my eyes were exposed to the darkness surrounding my bed. it was 6.25 then, i knew it as i reached out for my phone next to the bed.

i ended up getting up at 6.35, my failed attempt in convincing myself to get back to sleep. i'd had a total of 3 dreams about the results. 2 bad news and the other was a mediocre. somehow, something told me then, that it's not going to be pleasant.

so i got up and out of the room, headed to the front door. unbolted the locks to find the newspaper lying there already. picked them up and sat on the couch, flipping through page by page by page...

E3... E4... E5... E6... oh crap! it's not there.. :/

not much of surprises eh?!

the very minimal of it, the person being written about totally embraced the piece and loved every bit of it. at least she felt what i was trying to express, at least i'd finally made it clear to her what i wanted to express.

i know, it's a whole new form of perceptions eh? perhaps im making myself feel better..

the matter now with how i felt is that i dont think im feeling down because it's not published, i think it's more like because i'm disappointing her. no doubt, im sure my prediction would be right, i'm sure she'd say that it's okay (: being nice as usual..

the word disappointed has got into me. perhaps it was the results of last friday. the amount of impact those words of disappointment has brought.. i dont know.

***

i'd texted her (the person being written about) about the heart breaking news. fine, i've gone over the dramatic line.. but still, i think it's heart breaking :/ but i think it's too early when i'd sent my text, even now, i think it's still early for anyone to reply. so i shall wait for that..

till then, i need to find issues to blame on..

i blame the world for not praying and hoping together; then again, i posted my pleading post too late at night..

i blame the excessive crap in that piece of work; then again, who's the author..

i blame the amount of confidence people had injected in me; then again, it's my mind who's playing the trick.

i blame the situation of that particular day when i penned my piece for not being emo enough; then again, i'd got nothing to emo about..

i blame shern lyn for not pakat-ing with me :p ; then again, so what if she did..

i blame luck for never being on this side of life; then again, that's fate..

ahh.. nothing else to put the blame onto.

i wonder when will she reply to make me feel better. as long as she hasnt voice any words of approval in the failed act of my written piece, i wouldnt feel comforted..

wake up, cher!