Addressing Speculations.

As I was just about to blog about how happy I am that I actually had a really productive day today (and I haven't had one in a while), I somehow realised that the things that motivate me to blog have changed significantly. I used to resort to blogspot when I am emotionally drained and I would rant and whine about how people are mean to me and how I am hurt and things like that. But since I adopted this brand new attitude, I am motivated to blog because I am happy, and because good things have happened to me.

I have heard that people who thinks they know about me, are speculating whom and what I'm writing about in my recently published birthday song. I've heard from many people and I am so grateful for their concerns. But what bothers me is that there are people who think that I'm just being cryptic when I said I was destroyed by my "peer's mother" because they think I was referring to my own mother. Well, I don't blame them because it's quite absurd what this woman (my peer's mother) has done to me and people would naturally assume that I'm just being whiny about my own mother but do not want to spell it out. But although no one reads this blog anymore, i'd still liketo clarify that MY MOTHER DID NOT DESTROY ME. It was someone else's mother, and I friggin love my mother. So back off, people who don't know what happened to me, it's really not that simple. And if you'd like to know, just ask :) like I said, I'm done being bullied to silence. So if you asked, I would tell. 

Speaking of the birthday release, I was really looking forward to being whole and new and shiny again, but now that the excitement is over, no one will really know if it's permanent or an overly optimistic phase. So, I guess all I'm gonna do now is to live it out!

Have a great day everyone, cheers! 

This Is Real.

I haven't blogged in ages. So what brought me here today? I can't point out exactly what it is, but I suddenly have this urge to tell people (or at least feel like I've told someone - I doubt anyone reads this blog anymore) that I am at a very happy and contented place in my life right now.

I feel at ease with the pace of my life and I feel in sync with everything I do. My mind is at peace with my surroundings and every decision I make seems to bring me a kind of contentment that I cannot find in other phases of my life. People say you tend to get lost in your 20s because that's when you're supposed to find yourself. I'm turning 21, and I think, I've found myself. And I am really happy with that.

Sometimes I regret the fact that under some totally undesired circumstances, I was put in a pressure cooker way earlier than most people at that age. But at the same time, I'm really glad it's all over. I'm very grateful for the strength that I somehow had during those dark days and I am very excited to move on.

I feel like a whole new life awaits now - like I'm fearless. Like anything or anyone else in this world don't matter anymore and I'm unstoppable It makes me feel like I've got grip of this very slippery life. And it sure feels hella good.

So I guess all I wanted to say is that, I'm just very contented right now. It's not just happiness, it's a feeling that makes you feel whole and complete.

So, hello world, I'm glad to be back :)

Good Earphone

Okay, so…

I recently realised something. When you use really good headphones, and you push in your ears to encapsulate the sound of the beat while blasting music (at an appropriate level in case you go deaf), is actually really calming. Yeah, the irony. It's really calming..

Try it :D

Phonies.

Today, once again life has proved its imperfections. Sometimes I think some people are too trusting, but then today I realised that I'm no better. Everyone in this entire world is lying to me. Wait, let me be precise, everyone I cared for, or once cared for in this world lied. From the closest to my blood, to furthest in relationship.

And these lies just build walls. These walls that never used to exist once before are just up now. Solid, tangible, and I just can't do anything about it. What's the use of a confrontation when it just creates more disorder in life?

I guess I should retract. And I think instinctively, retracting is the only logical step for self-protection. It's no wonder my ego is getting weaker ever since the first betrayal.

Don't bother saying anything, cause I've already given up on you.

She's the one.

Hello everyone :) 

Something deep happened to me today, and I thought I'd share.

It was a 4-hour long flight but I've never expected to fall into such deep sleep, let alone being thrown into such a real dream. I dreamt that I met the right one. And it obviously, felt so right. She looks pretty, she's so nice and that feeling was so strong and special that I could feel it even after I wake. I was and am so overwhelmed by my dream. 

She looks like the combination of a few people I know put together. I instinctively and immediately want to fall back asleep in hopes of returning back to where I left off in my dreamland, but I never found her again.

I'm starting to wonder if that's a sign. Maybe someone somewhere is telling me that that is how it should feel? Or maybe I'm just so absorbed into finding the right feeling that I'm making stories in my head. 

I miss you, whoever you are. 

Same Love

"The sexual orientation of my parents has had zero affect on the content of my character," Zack Wahls. 

Very often, gay couples are deemed unsuitable in upholding the responsibility to raise a child together. Watch the video above :) 

Everyone should be given the rights to love, be it a man loving a man or a woman. Some may argue that the nature of a gay relationship defies nature, and therefore it is wrong. Oh, hmm, okay... But when the sciences came up with two possible ways to resurrect extinct species, the ideas were applauded. Doesn't that defy nature too?

Why is society so judgmental? 

Watch the video and have a think... 

Go Away Homophobes!

Ohmaigod. Have I mentioned how many times I've watched Ellen and Portia's wedding video?

These two are so incredibly sweet, I think I'm diabetic now that I've watched it so many times. And I'm probably a little whacked from all the sugar rush. 

If there was ever a couple that can reassure me of true love and marriage, it would be the both of them. Straight or gay, I don't really give two fucks; they're happy, they're in love, and that is all that matters. 

And, did you see how both of them looked at each other when they first saw each other at 1:34? ...i know right!!

And you know, this video makes me want to be a better person. I would love to have a happily-ever-after that is just like theirs, or maybe an even better one. It makes me want to get there, it makes me want to love the people around me with all my heart and sincerity, and not to hurt them anymore. 

The other day, I was just having a YouTube battle with this religious homophobe who was, is and probably forever will criticise the both of them (and I still don't understand why he watches their videos if he is so against them!). I will not behave so immorally like that moron but I really can't understand how anyone does not see love in the both of them? 

Ahhh, so obsessed with these two again...

This Is Who I Am.

I find that the older I grow, the more I find myself, and the more I discover my soul, the more compelled I am to believe that we are all so bounded. I am so overwhelmed by this energy that fills the core of my soul that leads me to believe that no one should be restricted to accepting human nature just because of a certain belief.

credits

Belief is good. I do believe in God.
Religions are good too. But I don't believe in religions.

I feel that religions impose these set of guidelines in our lives that we must follow, regardless of whether or not civilisation and evolution has proved some of these guidelines wrong. These guidelines don't change with time. But humans and their needs do. They change so much that some of these guidelines become incompatible with present times. But still, if you rebel against them, you sin. 

It puts humans in such difficult situations. We are spending billions of dollars on research and development to open up that box, but these 'disciplines' keep us in. Ironic enough?

The bottom line is, 

credits

At least, I know I am. 

Those of you who claims to be strong believers, I respect you, and your religions. 

But since religionless people can accept you, why can't you accept religionless people? 

If prostitutes can accept usual people buying services from them, why can't society accept prostitutes?

If a gay couple can accept straight couples, why can't straight couples accept gay marriage?

Look at it again. 

You have a religion, you're bounded by it and that's entirely fine. People respect it, and I do. 

But it is not your job to go around judging the rights and wrongs of another's action by the definitions of your belief. 

I hate this chapter.

A new year has begun.
Bam!
But I'm still stuck here, like a bee stuck to honey..

But this ain't honey, bitch.

Why do I keep picking myself up just to fall again? If I already know that it is so hard to make a comeback and that it consumes such magnitude of energy, why do I allow myself to fall? I swear falling rock-bottom is like an addiction. At least it is for me...

I don't believe in religions. But these are times when I start to wonder if I should stick by one. Hmm...

Sing-A-Long-Song

Our mental development has a limit. Some people's limit is too low. But you can't leave up those who has never grown in their mentality in the last few decades.. So, happy new year everyone! :)

Slug Mode

Credits

I'm feeling sluggish again.

Everything is falling down on me like a thunderstorm again, and that's bad. I thought I have just managed to throw everything off my back and start living normal again. Life always presents you with its challenges, and I hate it.

Today marks the end of the second last day of school, to welcome a 3 to 4 week-break. I'm excited. After all, it has been a while since I legitimately slack without needing to provide a reason for anyone, including myself, as to why I am not working. Hello there, holidays! :D

And, this morning. The most unexpected thing happened. In the last 4 years, she has never done it before, but she gave me a good morning text today, and said that today is PMR Results day (which I don't really care actually).. But somehow, it reminded me of all those times that we've spent together on my PMR Results day.

Oh well. Time flies. Everything is different now...

Stone cold warmth.

So I spent most of my Physics class playing QWOP today, yet still failing miserably but attempting continuously until now. It's frustrating really when you can't make an animated game character run even more than 10m easily, whereas in reality, it's such a piece of cake. Ahh well, my patience needs some training, so I guess it's a good practice for me :)

This withdrawal thing is killing me slowly.
I woke up this morning feeling so weighed down and bothered by how I feel. I guess writing that book to fill it up will take my mind off things a little. It's quite a brilliant idea and I must say you there, my friend is a genius!

Yesterday someone asked me if my handwriting was still the same as it was a few years ago, and I said no, but deep inside me, I was thinking, well yeah actually it is if I put in some effort when I'm writing. But as I begin writing yesterday on the same book, the contrast was so big that I cannot deny that it's no longer the same.

And this brings me to think that, you know, it's just as how I have changed. I am no longer the same person I was 4 years ago. I used to be so different and all that I have been through in these years have stripped me off my naivety and general trust for everything. It stripped me of the most basic sincerity of human nature.

It's the same analogy.
But I'm glad I changed. Being stone-cold isn't that bad :)

Reviving O'nine.

Sometimes, some feelings that you have once felt in the past don't just die off. They don't just fade off like worn clothes. The magnitude of the emotions that I am feeling now actually scares me, after reviving some of these close memories that are actually so far off.

Somehow, I feel that there was a wall, but just a thin one. Maybe I just haven't gotten use to it yet. Or maybe, I'm just seeking attention that I'm feeling this way.. I confuse myself with my own emotions.. But I must say that I hate bringing upon emotions on myself and later struggle to get them off me.

Hey, I'm glad you're all well, and that you're still the same as you were. I wish I never left, and I wish I had been there when you might have needed me. Although I may not play such a big role anymore like I use to four years ago, I still hope to be by your side to be there for you at times of low. 

Anyway, it was a brilliant day today! Had a simple but awesome lunch session and a relaxing and calming night. Sometimes, I love these kind of space that I create for myself.

I am one who needs lots of space on my own before I suffocate in the presence of all others.
I think it's an odd personality, but hello there introvert :)

At the end of the rope; I'm back.

Credits

Oh look, I'm back here again, after straying away for more than a year already. 

The last time I was here I was still the old me, dramatising every little drop of emotion that I feel into lengthy blog posts that conveys the same message in a loop de loop. I wish I could still do that really, but I've change. Growing up has robbed me of that ability, but when I re-read my old blog posts last night, I really wish that I could still express as I used to. 

I wish I was still so optimistic about things and can blog as expressively as I want to. 
I wish I was less defensive over things and people that I love.
I wish I could open up a little more of the real me.

Actually, what I really wish for the most is to rip of the mask that I wear everyday and that character that I play. 


Set me free. 
I'm back baby...

Life; A Battle In Itself.

As I am trying to figure out the past, the present needed thinking as well, and so does the future. Will I ever have the strength to sort everything out and live the way one is suppose to live?

I can be really bold, but no one will ever know if that is as real as I am on the inside. I get so tired trying to explain whatever that's running in my head. But as much as any other humans do, I need an outlet too.

I used to wonder how some people would rather not have anything to do with anyone else. I guess I'm there now. Checkpoint 101: the i-want-to-be-#foreveralone-part-of-life. On the more selfish note, I just think being alone makes one feel secure, because it skips all the hard work in putting on a smile for anyone.

I don't need people to dictate or justify my actions because people never really know what I am going through. How can one feel the pain when I am the one being pricked by the needle? And likewise, no one else feels what I feel because they are not me.

I'm so sick of being judged, and watching other people judge the others. Both of which kills me and tear me to bits on the inside.

So what's even left of me?

It Must Have Been Different.

I was actually already tugged in bed ready to get to sleep, but decided to watch a couple of Youtube videos first. Until I realize a drastic transformation in how I handle certain situations in life. And decided to blog about it, somehow..

When I have an emotional downfall:

When I was 14, I used to go online and read every emo quote, blog post, look for pictures, listen to emo songs on the Internet because it felt like I was not alone. There are people who understood how I felt. But little did I realize, doing those does not help, but in fact, made the whole self-hurting scenario worse.

When I was 15, I used to blog a hell lot. I liked using big words and I loved blogging so cryptically that when I read back those post, I don't even know what I felt back then. It was a way of expressing myself without the world knowing what exactly I was feeling. It worked, but then it turned out into a whole lot of dramatizing unintentionally.

When I was 16, blogging no longer exist in my dictionary. Or at least hardly ever. I was too busy chasing priorities to even think of a way to hide my true feelings between syllables in my blog posts. But it was also then that I found out I no longer need to blog because I have a great friend by my side to listen to my troubles.

When I turned 17, I no longer hurt myself by looking up emotional stuffs on the Internet; I no longer blog and dramatize the whole thing; I no longer tell every single detail of my life to the people I know, I learnt what privacy meant. I took a smarter way out, I do things to distract myself from self-hurting thoughts. I thought it was perfect...

...until I realized that it actually falls back down on me right at the end of the day before I get to bed.

I don't know if the situation changed or if I've changed.

But what difference does it make? I still make the same mistake every time.

#2 How Many Time Will I Have to Die?

Apparently there isn't much difference staying here or staying in KL. I have had a lot of illusions of things that might happen or rather, things that I wish would happen this year. Turns out, I was wrong. I guess I wished too much and expected too much out of optimism.

I'm torn. I can't decide where to go, where to stay and where to get a life. I need to stop living for someone. Because then everytime that person leaves, I die again and again. And this routine keeps happening every year.

Everytime I get crushed, I tell myself I will never open up so easily again. I need a shield. But some things are too much to lose. I don't want to lose that chance, and I do it again and again and I end up dying ALL the time.

Is there anything worth staying for here? Is there anything worth going back for?

I'm lost.

#1 let 2012 begin!

It's a new year.

I'd love to get a new start in life.

I wouldn't say I can't, but maybe I just love the past too much to let it go. I want to be someone who doesn't need anyone else to live. That's 2012 resolution, and I wish by the end of the 365 days, I can stand on my feet without living for someone.

Human, feelings, thoughts, judgements, how crazy can they get?

Have you ever want to start a new life but never want to let go of the past as much as you actually want to? I always wonder how people can.

How can people be satisfied having to 'love and lost'? I'm the type of person who believes in 'to never have loved'. But I also believe that it's not too late to change.

Let's just hope the new year would bring not only new start, but a GOOD new start.

Empty Vessel; Am I?

What am I even doing? Why does it feel like life is duller than a sheet of paper that cannot get any plainer?

I lock myself in this room everyday. I shut the doors before me. But what is there to do? Study? SPM? I say bullshit.

I'm sick of this routine. Everyday, trying to kill time waiting for someone to speak to me, waiting for an answer, a response or even a simple hello. I'm sick of not knowing what to do trying to kill time. I'm sick of sleeping because I've had too much trying to make my day shorter. I'm sick of watching everything on YouTube because it means nothing anymore. I'm sick of reading everything of the Internet, my eyes hurt. I'm sick of writing, I'm sick of studying. And even my fingers are aching and some even scrapped from playing the guitar too much.

Perhaps it could be that I'm just sick of myself like a devil sick of sin.

While everyone is trying to fight time to study for SPM of which I too am sitting for, I don't know why I surrendered to time.

And just, why is life as such?

New Muse :)

It amazes me how I find muse at the wrongest times for songwriting.. I wrote the whole thing anyway, with my new guitar :D

But I can't get it to work with Garageband to get it recorded :(

And I'm sort of dying to share it, so I'll share the lyrics!

Words (Are So Scary).

VERSE 1:

Saturday night didn't feel so right,

Got my bags packed up on the edge of my mind,

Will you come around?

I'm sitting here, feeling you're around,

How your arms hold me,

And we're breathing without a sound,

You picked me off the ground.

CHORUS:

I try to be as perfect as you want me to be,

But your words never see,

How it cuts me underneath,

I know you that you will always be around for me,

But it hurts me, you never see,

How those razor blades in words,

Are so scary..

VERSE 2:

Where are we? Why're we standing there?

Why're we moving backwards from the memories we shared?

And they said life is fair.

It's back on you and it's back on me,

And I hope our story's not a tragedy,

But the writer couldn't see.

CHORUS.

BRIDGE:

I hate this part where we flip a page,

A new chapter, a brand new age,

You're moving on and it can't slow down,

When you'll turn around you'll see..

I try to be as perfect as you want me to be,

I hope that someday you will see,

How it cut me underneath,

I know you that you will always be around for me,

But it hurts me, you never see,

How those razor blades in words...

How they killed me.

Everytime I write something new, I'm so obsessed with it. And it's annoying how Garageband doesn't get along with my guitar.