blabber

there's always this view in my messed up mind that i'd had nothing to blog about. it just seemed so just every time i click on the create new post clickie :/

so life has been revolving around lots of bells these days instead of batons, seemingly because of the fact that i havent seen baton since months back. i think it's about 2 months? perhaps.

i feel like a stalker, stalking teachers around these days, to capture the most natural candid shots i can manage.

so what if i stalk?! :p

i love the warmth!

nothing to doubt about, i'd never in life been to the north pole, neither the south. yet, at certain instants i think i felt worst than having to survive there. the coldness chills (:

though now, things had miraculously variate from the numbing chills to the warming heat. :D

i'd just came to realisation during the lesson today, how is it that im already getting used to those back and forth glances, shot at random moments, with certain signs of significant warning, to me, which i can already interpret well by now.

i am really used to this particular warmth, over those very few months passed. i cant possibly move on the day, comfortably without any worries, for the absence of it.

yet, i do fret, most of the time, that it might leave me some day. radiated to a new found buddy to be trusted and relied on.

who knows what the future sees?

flawless much?!

less rage to explicate today. in fact, there's none (:
though there's a certain disappointment of some sort to reveal.

exam resumes on the 19th after the teachers' day celebration :/

why has exams got to fail plans? always. i'm not hinting that my plan is to work for a 100% of guaranteed accuracy. i did not mention that, neither has that cross my helpless brains.

but at least, there was a hope then, and the plan was fundamentally flawless.
now that exams resume, the route leading to friday night gets more and more smudged by the second.

ahhh, that's life eh? bleh.

all i ask for is a chance to watch one extraordinary. once-in-a-lifetime-chance performance.

that's all..

pride vs jealousy = baton

i shouldnt feel proud. no. i shouldnt at all.

why?
1. my tagboard's funeral would be held no sooner
2. i have barrels of pending tasks
3. my mission has again failed *though my backup worked well*

BUT this burning spirit of blasting pride in me can never be drowned out, not even by the world's widest, deepest oceans.

i feel proud merely because i should be - proud of her.

i look up to her, with certain depths of admiration, mulling over the fact that she'd actually done it, with a perfectly laced end.

she's gotten half the world adulating her. yet, she doesnt seemed like she'd bother much. perhaps she's too used to those blarneys.

i feel proud because, virtually, everyone loves her, treating her as though she's some extraordinary creature materialized.

i feel proud because she is awesome for the fact that she is, capturing attention of the floor with just swift waves of her imperative tool.

though i must say that these pride leads to jealousy in the end.

im envious towards people around her.
im envious for the fact that im treated so coldly.
im envious because everyone wants to be like her.
im envious because those people dare expose their thoughts to her.
im envious for my sheer pride for her.

but i just cant construe why am i proud of her pride.

ahh..
im not desperately concerned over that.

of bells and batons

the previous post was removed, merely because i didnt like the way it was expressed. i thought it was due to the reason that my eyes were seeing vague streaks of light through that slight gap when i typed that post. but apparently not. i read it again, perusing those words repeatedly, eventually still ruminating about the usage of vocabulary and habitual grammatical errors - even till now.

no. i cant pass that piece of disturbing post. thus, clicking the bright orange delete key is the best way out!

it's late now. well, maybe my interpretations of late. not yours. but still, it's 11.05 pm.

being a form 3 student with overloaded folios; uncompleted homework; messed up, unpacked school bag; and a vital task to fulfill, i should be working on those now. but since i'd been so overwhelmed at some recondited thought and extremely pleased at my almost completed history folio, it's my treat to blog (:

i want to reveal my thoughts, not partially this time, but eventually every bit of it.

alright. so most of you know i have this princip of life which i live by, the "of bells and batons" phrase. it's nothing much of a princip laa but it's an indication and implication to two vital roles in my life.

Baton, actually an essential individual who changed my life, refracted different vissions just to insert bits of hope in it. new, blasting hopes.

Bell. on the other hand, bell didnt change much of my life, but just because the fact that the bell reminds me alot of the baton, bell IS an important character now. materializing fakeries.

eventually, after reading my post, you'd be dazed for a moment or two, having the slightest clue about who's bell and who's baton.

sometimes, things arent as complicated, think simple. you'll find the key to this doubt.

DING DING DING! you've hit the jackpot! (:

a flyy-day.

not so typically lived by..

say approximately 1000 ticks before this instant, i'd still had the rage to blog about a certain piece of obstructive, invincible, permanent brick wall, aired with annoyance and disgust. yes, a certain structure which i believe, respires?! perhaps..

though now, that significant fury in me had died down, and i'd moved on through time to face a new disappointment of... an expected sort. i should have predicted this before making my move.

but it's never too late. even if i will make a mistake on monday, it wasnt entirely my fault. i didnt receive clear instructions (:

that was one story, now for another one.

more task hunting its way to me, following my colourless trail. more instructions to comply with, more obligations to be held responsible and more teachers to fulfill. relying on luck isnt going to help me much with this new stage of life. naah-ah.

so tata blogger, or i'd have imcomplete duties tailing my track, imperfect roles characterized and furious teachers chasing after me.

wish me luck (:

she's awesome

this is rather random, nothing deferring from the novel me.

but this woman, sheaaaaaau swaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, has apparently contributed a whole lot to my current state of bliss :D yeah, a lot!

why arent u online eh?!
got stories...

overflowing warmth

i'd mention an uncountable amount of "coldness chills" yesterday. yes, i trust that i did. but today, it's the total opposite of yesterday's post. my day, overflowed with warmth - that specific warmth (:

soaring through the day had brought me to realization. the undeniable truth i'd long awaited for.

some things are felt inside, and the need to voice them out is equivalent to none. so why bother. we all perceived that fact of life, live through it.

ignorance isnt quaint anymore in my life, for the sheer fact that ignorance doesnt explicit i dont like u. today's occurences just hit another point of life.

being hot and cold, in fact, should be embraced deeply. for cold reminds us how much we needed warmth and warmth reminds us of the coldness that once came by.

no doubt, cold stares arent pleasant at all, but with them, the bliss of warmth would be cherished double as much.

coldness chills

i feel forsaken, dreadfully forsaken as a matter of fact. to speak the truth, i'd voyaged through passages far more excruciating as compared, but experiences do not precisely define "typically felt"

i cant place myself in their shoes - having to be so cold, yet as warm as ever. that significant character is indeed a common portrayal between those two individuals which i'd never be able to peruse, eventually contradicts greatly from the character i play.

that familiar warmth which once encircled my soul had rambled away since some days back; and hadnt found it's way back since. deep down inside, those grieves couldnt be verbally explicated.

it's not good to feel abandoned. not like i was once cared for as a vital role. except for my daily obligation. and that is all.

full stop..

when 'e' is expressed as 'h'

i dont blame anyone for that misfortune account, of expressing 'e' as 'h'. thus, changing sweet mae to sweet mah. it was some loopy handwritten paper, i presume, that 'e' looks similarly to 'h'.

so the speakers boomed, SWEET MAH. it wasnt precisely audible enough to make out the wrongly spoken syllables, judging by the fact that i didnt realise it was sweet mah. it sounded nothing close to that, nor is it to sweet mae.

i am immensely concerned on the pronunciation of my name, half the universe should learn this well by now. then again, i wouldnt mind having and that extra initial in my name (: *if only its effect is half as brilliant than the original version*

upon understanding the truth behind the blunderness, factually learning that 'e' was expressed as 'h' as well, pretty obviously. and having replies of 'ohhhhhh', *eyebrows* and *smiles*, from the half of the class who understood. :D

loves..

tempt

i couldnt resist the temptations of blogging anymore. i've got to come over to at least punch a few words. but i even couldnt stop myself from chatting!

this swan darn awesome la..

well update soon, a concluded version perhaps. till then..

authentically assunta-ted

an assuntated production.
an assuntarian pride.

there we engraved ourselves again in the histories of Assunta, as Sports Day came to an end. i cant sensibly trust my mind - the fact that it's over, just in that couple of hours, when training kicked off months back. another conscious reminder : time flies.

once again, congratulations everyone. i literally meant EVERYONE, all winners and the supposedly winners to be.

something which i'd marveled tremendously, there was this ingenious cheer team which psychologically battled, verbally, with the rest. to me, in an indirect manner, an insult. but not to the extend of deeply felt.

i wouldnt say the day's routine has completely bleached my energy, in fact, i dont feel the intense tiredness at all. it's just that, my feet is failing me, for the amount of torture i'd done to it.

SEWO had done great without my 100% assistance, and they sure stole my pride for that. AV crews had done awesome as well, without much technical difficulties. even if there was, it was completely out of our grasp. we dont control minds so that DJs do their job well.

my characterised mission accomplished, what about the recondite one?

overpraised - and recent role play

i'm all flattered. and i understand the truth beyond all that thick blarney, all being delivered perfectly unintentionally. Yet, i'm immensely flattered.

all of these somehow rejoiced me, of course, in an indirect manner, esoterically. and i thank blogger for all these. Though im fulfilled, the situation would be more of a delectable act, ironically, if someone is there, to be obviously seen with green-ness of jealousy.

i can be exceedingly ego. if u cant put up with that, too bad :)

aside from all the dramas, the stage has been pretty engaged with a couple of obligations lately, getting the provisions all ready for sports day. and done at last! other than a few blur interactors, who are yet to be briefed in particulars.

hoping and expecting for the best of tomorrow, not having lopsided duties of fulfilling AV crews and my SEWO - ians.

and best of luck runners! :)

eh!

i'm at point blank. a dead end, with nothing absolute to blog about today.

there actually is. in fact, loads of them. but i dont think revealing the peak of the day today is appropriate in case of any form of leakage of a certain unknown fact in my life :)

so i'll shut up. but i factually cant. it's plain. so i'll deliberately express it cryptically? i guess so..

having the last minutes of school the most blissed few, listening to that two clearly spoken syllables, which arent much of a stranger to me by now. after 14 years, it shouldnt be. yet, having them spoken by a certain someone, made all the difference. especially when it's called with a somewhat convinient expression, "eh".

i'm pretty convinced by now, that i did it. without much flattering done. NONE to be precise. i consider it a success already.

if my wish-list still exist on the top left on my blog, i would have struck the "get someone's attention" out. now that it isnt, i'll just tell u, I WOULD.

back-up dream part II

i'm exhausted, tremendously sapped. i'm worn to a frazzle. gosh!

it was never in my prognosis for such a weary day, recalling how thrilled i was to await for the arrival of today, but at the same time feeling as solemn as ever having the idea of P.E in mind. Nevertheless, PE was canceled, due to some inevitable reasons.

Despite that, today was brilliant. actually, far more than brilliant!

the day commenced with a great start, hearing two certain syllables for the first time, without reference, spoken by a certain individual. that, had painted a permanent smile on my face, wandering in an unconscious state of bliss.

literally, this state of bliss isnt really explainable with bare words. not even with my most cryptic locutions.

ps: shern claims that my posts are cryptic again.. :/

a scratch mark on a flawless life

moments ago, i'd had one of my reflecting motion again. it's been invading a larger area of life as the days goes by; and somehow, this post traveled back to my memory after a somewhat long wander.

i remembered clearly i wrote, "takkan mudah bagiku meninggalkan jejak hidupku. But I did already". I was exceedingly contented then, when i meninggalkan jejak hidupku. even until this moment, from the chasm in my heart, I AM still swollen with pride.

Then, i thought again, so what if i actually left a mark in your faultless life?

Notice the tense? i LEFT, it has already toured back in time. am i just a scratch in ur flawless life? or will this mark stay there forever?

i doubt, if i were to just sit here and watch it smear.

back-up dream

it isnt right, rationally, to blog twice a day; revealing the sheer fact of my plain boredom.

Well actually, boredom is just an excuse to blog. The verity behind this excuse is that i have a doubt. an unspoken doubt.

Perhaps it’s plain narcissism that has brought me to this thought. Then again, perhaps it isn’t.
Perhaps my eyes aren’t fooling me.
Perhaps my friend’s eyes weren’t fooling her as well.
Perhaps things are going well after all.
Perhaps I’m thinking to much.

The list of perhaps goes on and on endlessly.

Somehow, my instinct tells me that it isn’t sheer vanity. It isn’t anything close to vanity. It is true. I feel it. And even someone else feels the same. So why am I giving myself reasons? Merely because it’s impossible enough that my backup dream actually IS coming true?

i need a response..

stumbled

It isn't a play thing for someone to enter your life. It's even further for someone to enter your life and change it all over.

An obligation to write a composition on a recount brought me back to when someone actually stumbled into my life. Yes, stumbled. not walk, not run, but merely s.t.u.m.b.l.e.

quaint enough to admit this, but the truth is, it DID happen. and i actually related it to another rather special character in my life.

Even till now, i'm having little esoteric thoughts on that matter. it'd changed my life a whole great deal, turning myself into a more profound person, not to mention raveling thoughts even more by the tick.

it's not easy to just stumble into someone's life, but someone actually did stumbled into mine. it would make all the difference if you'd just realised.

ouch!

I guess I’d just lost a best friend of mine. I find her getting further and further just by the second. I couldn’t provide a better clarification as to why this is happening.

I hear whispers in my ears to encourage myself to proceed, moving on this bumpy, loopy boulevard. I can’t go on. My feet are excruciating. It’s too rough to journey through.

Which is plainly why I oppose the phrase, “Heels are girls best friend.”

disappointment

This isn’t the first time common sense has let me down. In fact, the amount of times are practically uncountable by now. I’d told myself over and over again that I shouldn’t have made that move, but eventually, I did. Which is why, I end up here today, at this moment, feeling as miserable as ever.

This is nothing better than a dread. When I’m all prepared for it, it wouldn’t happen. Then again, when I’m on the verge of giving up, the matter rises all over again.

Well what do you expect me to do?! I’m human too. And it certainly does not feel pleasant when emotional time takes over you. Believe it, it’s true.

So here I am, back to square one. Not knowing to turn left or right; to trust yes or no; or to decide black or white. Everything’s back to a blunt stop once again, when the beginning was perfect.

common sense often disappoints me..

break

So Shern says, I’m becoming a compulsive blogger. I fundamentally consent to that at the first sight of it in my tagboard. But soon enough, I came to a conclusion. I wouldn’t call it compulsive. I term it, A NECESSITY.

I’m not making an effort momentarily, despite grumbling over them – my imaginary pile of folios and homework which measures height of infinity. Work is perceived to be never done. How accurate!

School was supposed to be fun today. Initially, some huge event was to happen. Well, apparently not now.

Anyhow, geography is invading my mind, repetitively reminding me to resume working on my KGT. I'm programmed to obey my mind..

so till then!

I’ve finally convinced myself that I’d got nothing to blog about today – and that I wouldn’t blog. But why am I here again? Ask me that. I’m hunting for an answer as well.

Anyhow, my principle point today is just :

I’VE LOST MY LINKS.
omg.
save me, someone?

a book - er

Those 21 hours which had passed before me were just plain falsifying? I wouldn’t say that I had not enjoyed these 20 hours but they weren’t felt as they were apparently portrayed.

Term me a faker if you want to. Wouldn’t change a tinge of my life.

***

Anyhow, let’s just erase the unpleasant entries of the past, eh? Awesome! Let’s stalk tomorrow then. What shall I remind myself of when im in desperate need of a reason to get up from bed in the morning tomorrow? Oh geez.

Ahh.. I’d virtually forgotten. I’ve got fantastic news to share! Yes, in fact, it exceeds a great deal more than the dreary, tedious adjective - “fantastic”. It’s a commencement to a whole new chapter of life.

I’m getting along with books!

Not as much as you’d expected from me, eh? If you just wandered into my life in a smudged point, all I can and am willing to do is to express sympathy - for not being able to narrate my tale of not getting along with books. But that was fact.

I judge myself as a 1/2 ‘get-along-with-book’-er. Why? I still can’t spare the tiniest gap for fictions. I feel sorrey for myself – but along the way, I’d learn to open up to a brand new experience of non-fictions, which, as a matter of fact, has much aided my ‘poem’ skills.

Again, call me weird. I don’t get along with fictions now; sue me :p

insufficient

It’s rather self-centered for me to say this but 24 hours in a day is just not enough to be a well balanced person. It’s either you pick to be academically wise or to excel physically or stay unaffected in your shells. As for me, I have no other alternative but to pick neither.

Merely complaining is not enough. It’s never happening. There are no add-ons to the amount of hours in a day, unlike some value meal or other. Sleep, sm, sleep, you need to dream on..

reflect [part II]

Along the passage which I’d travel through time, I’d attempted to lay the blame on almost anything and everything which materialized on earth. Agreed. Everything, except for myself.

In a way or another, life is always fair. And right enough, someone was sent to revive lifeless thoughts in my terribly disturbed mind, back then.

Always bearing the similar view in mind, i didn’t come to realization that every twinge was meant to be an unspoken blessing in disguise.

If it wasn’t for the excruciating moments, I wouldn’t grow to be who I am, writing poems like ABC. If it wasn’t for those times, I wouldn’t appreciate the everlasting joy, which no amount of cash could buy.

It’s just a BLESSING IN DISGUISE.

the fruit of it

At this point, I should be hastening about every corner ubiquitously, just to spread that gratifying piece of news, being excessively ego just to annoy any face that comes into my sight. Yes, I should.

Instead, I’d chose to blog, not elaborating about my results all over again (not that I’d even begun), but just sharing a scrap of my view with you people.

I believe, being able to achieve “expected” results isn’t pleasant at all. Then again, it might seem all immense.

Now, there’s confusion. I’m not as thrilled as I’m supposed to feel. Why? The answer remains in the hands of God, waiting for the right time for it to escape from His mighty grip. There is no end to this eventually, eh?