presidential-ism first :D

look, this is what draws up when something unexpected boom up all of a great sudden in life. i'd totally diverged my blogging intention and hence, my blog's previous post, composed today as well, didnt bear the intention of me blogging.
that was merely to suffice temporary enthusiasm.

i'd intended to blog about noob presidential-ism.
well, i'm only a fresh-2nd-week-er

the anxiousness and unquestionable enthusiasm did pull me through the whole discussion adequately well to put up a disguise to shield my terrible stomach ache.
i normally would have the same feeling.
despite that, today was somehow congenital.

im proud of it already.
for i did not stutter, my feet wasnt melting and my hands werent trembling at any rate close to when i speak in public. perhaps because, we are one big family (:

anyway,
i was all prepared for the presidential-ism talk, and how precisely right i was. i beared it with shern-nese, my junior pressie, whom i would fight club politics with through the next year..
ahh.. sounds all serious. we've got one long, winding year ahead!

perhaps im still noob-ish, i wasnt speaking much throughout the whole discussion. perhaps the teachers are trying to catch my back, in case i slip and fall on a horrible landing. i dont know, but i'd finally noted and observed how every detail has to be done and spoken without any flaws.
something which i never did take extra concern for.
but now, it's all in my hands.
and if i dont care,
no one could save me again, from terribly touchdowns.

SPLAT!

"every step we climb another mountain.. and we say, we'll pull it through"

excuse me for being cold...

there was a period of time when i reversely tried to retain my emotional spirit up high, to allow me to write. now, i perceived how much of an idiot it was of me, back then.

i should elude this state, and search for a new life in the livings. i should stop pricking my nose into the vague future to stop necessary disappointment. i should swallow what others have got to say.



having friends around you when you've hit the the bottom of an apparently abysmal landing with an extra loaded thud!, are the rarest and the best magic-work you could ever stumble upon.

i love them!

it's been hard going through all those for the past few days of life. it's been extremely devastating to rant over the same issue repeatedly. and it's been worse, to unintentionally make you guys repeat the same comforts to me almost each time i rant.

im truly sorrey for being such a moodless freak, and for putting up that falsifying disguise of being happy. but from the deepest of the deepest, and the biggest of the largest, thank you so much for permanently being by my closest side..



and now,
after the rain,
i finally see some hues of color, reflecting the rainbow above, which has always been above me. but without the rain, never to emerge.
i love you, rain and rainbow (:

more of a blithesome post today for a total rotation.
also, sorrey readers for having you dread through those days with me, thousand, millions apologies..

anyway,
im okay now.
being just the SM i always am..

"emo revolution? pfft.."

for you; because of you; it's you...

i use to jump at the thought of having those lessons together,
i use to get nervous at the thought of just saying hi,
i use to be so tensed that i get stomach aches being your shadow,

but now, im just afraid of being near you.
for i get the cold acknowledgement, that i would rather not have.
it scares me to see the new you =/

i used to highly adulate you, for the person you are - that distinguishable attitude, that distinctive elegance and that radiant smile, even if i have not personally spoken to you, or even verbalized a word of acknowledgment. well, i still do now, but slightly highlighted with that interval of perpetual fear.

something has been altered, the condition has changed. but i just couldnt define the reason of it, or even what it is itself.

somehow,
the wiring of the station bound draws a diffused statement of maintaining an appropriate teacher-student bond, intentionally.

the plainness of the custom daily routines, tells me an indefinite fact of being obliged with excessive bits of weight, too much to even change your mood massively and hence, the inadvertent neglect.

the viciousness of logicality sets my mind to a vague route of whether or not i have word something abhorrent to offend you, causing these inane acts of disappointment.

i dont know which of these factors are the forces behind all these wild runs in my mind and even yours, and whether or not they're running wild in yours, i doubt i read it thoroughly.

one last possibility: it's all me being paranoid..

i might be the last one standing, or the only one dropping.
i dont know. to trust that we'd actually laughed over priceless blonde moments of life, smiled through the joy and success we've both achieved, exchange glances of amusement and those mind games we play, it's not so easy now.

i read through the written materials i once composed in honour of you, positioned high and mighty, reputably in my mind, being such an inspiration. now, as i read through those, and even worse when they're rhythmically perused in my mind, i felt a great lost.

i'd lost an classical touch of inspiration, value of exceeding limits.
i'd lost a great listener, to actually listen to my rants and sappy yarns.
i'd lost a priceless friend, to actually treat me like one too.
i'd lost an emotional state, to suffice that odd feeling i experience.

and most of all,
i'd lost a smilemaker,
who never failes to paint beams on my face,
who never lets negative energy fill me up,
who keeps me upright and never let me fall.

and for all that you've done,
im always ready to be there for you.
even if you'd never appreciated it..



i see the novel you. a fresh beginning perhaps?
ur change has arouse the worlds' attention, not me solely.

if you havent notice,
you hardly ever talk to me these days (not to mention replying my texts)
and it's affected me a whole terrible lot...

"dont build me up and tear me down, i dont like it..."

i shall not say anything anymore after this post.
may it be faith or destiny,
someone, please tell her...

u've changed.. and im scared of it

i've had just adequate and not demanding for more, i've been manipulating a whole report of big vocabularies and now, it's blogging time. i simply need slight interval from them. though i still find them amusing (:


i feel so entirely sapped dry of energy, ending up with dawdling brain power, drowsy speech and feeble organs. somehow, the passage linking my nasal cavity and throat feels blazed. nerding had failed me for the lacking of spirit and energy boost.

the easiest and most construable answer to that, im utterly, terribly and horribly sick.
and you didnt even care..

im trying to elude the fact that im sick, so i wont psychologically think im sick.
cause i have class tonight =/



simplicity simply entwined itself into perplexity these days. i know they rhyme and would make a fairly great pair, but still, it's putting me through much blaze and burns. i hate the state im currently in.

Rashes emerge like the sun rises, burns peels like there's no feeling. but deep down inside, it hurts badly. but who knows? cause im the only idiot who's stupid enough to place myself in this deathly trap.

who's to blame?
stupid SM..

what happened to those smiles which used to greet me with a sincere beam?
what happened to those text messages constantly jamming my inbox?
what happened to those blonde jokes we laugh about?
what happened to the old you?

i'll give you some time, and put my mind to rest while then..

"im letting go. you're just too much.."

im just a kid, can life get fairer..?

with everyday i fear time, though battling my way through the works of ticks speeding by the instant to just grab that particular moment to say a simple hi or just a smile, i still endured my way.

and what exactly is it that i get in return?
letdowns.. and more of them?
i dont need that.

i am beginning to fear time more than i usually do - which i only do, provisionally, as exam draws close. but now, i think i fear time, simply because im afraid of the dismay the next seconds might cost.

life has just gone harder.. because i tried to make it simpler, for me to comprehend, with such a tiny brain to fit and interpret my inane thoughts.


roller coaster really do remind me of you now. how often does the mood switches to more than a 360 degree rotation, it's way beyond those digits. it's like a sudden drop from the earth poles to a desert. and i just dont like it. similarly, you wouldnt like it too.

your mind has transformed too much through the pass few months, through your absence and perhaps you have a new perception. but it's too incomprehensible that i cant tumble to it.

the thoughts gasping on the rear side of that vizard has gone too vague for simple interpretations, for interpretations my mind could read. all it does now, is to display assumptions and guesses, to often lead me to frustration.. all over again..



i restrain myself from thinking too much these days. to avoid frequent mood drainage again, to refract my easily distracted mind back into the books, keeping my tracks still and balanced. but i cant do it any longer. even my energy booster failed me, how'd u expect me to hold on?

i cant.
and i meant it.



i live with memories, to shield lonely, sappy time of the day when i would emo.
i live with memories, to remind myself i once had them.
i live with memories, to convince myself that you're just busy..

i live with more memories,
to retain that chance of making them the future again.

you have no idea how much just a syllable from you could change me, energy level or brain-works. trust me, you just dont.
cause if you do.. you wouldnt act this way.

"everyday's another first, another chance for me to fall in love with you"

rename monday, the 27th...

to horri-day...


it's a vague sense of awareness, but still, i could feel my trust in it spewing inwardly, squirting its way through my provisionally positive mind. i know how exasperating it is, trying to resist the flow of negativity. and it just wouldnt stay strong

anyway,
i'd just recorded today into my horrible book. well, it should be yesterday actually, since it's 15 minutes past the day referred to. but anyhow, it's monday im speaking about.


something must have jinx today, being invaded by homework autonomy. i've got forthrightly barbed, by someone i hold her honour high. it's painful, but i was immune by stress then to actually feel any agony.

and im not waiting for snow, im just waiting for trials to end..


never expected alarming issues, all happening in the one darned day. i believe, darn, isnt too much of a word to be used to describe yesterday.

i'd lost my geography note book, when today's the due date.
blindness secured it's status in my eyes as usual, but still, it wasnt because of that.

anyway, ive got a happily-ever-after in the end :D i like fairytales. they're so anticipated for, when the close is always expected.

i adore the way princesses always get ever-ever-afters. i adore how princes are always charming. i adore the dinned storyline.
i really fancy being owned by a fairytale.
can i? (:


OMG!


sudden?
well, that's how i've been reacting all day long.
with sudden omgaush-es for silly reasons to startle myself with.


look what has exams done to me.

"there's a calm surrender to the rush of the day"

midnight shield D:

i fail as a student, what more a book-er =/

well, at least i assuaged nerd-ing requirements already..

targeted mission achieved or not, i'd attempted.

digesting history at hours past midnight clogs up ur mind, and not to mention other organs, specifically when u'd just had supper. the stomach is full, the mind is brimful. so dissolved facts would, in the end, leak out through an available gap. and i meant the ears (:

and so..

i was one spirited goodie, who stayed up till god knows what time, to pack in history into my brains. and im saying this with upmost pride!

i cant identify the problem here, but blogger isnt allowing me to relocate my uploaded pictures, just when ive gone hyp enough to capture odds at midnight. perhaps it's because im using safari.. well, idk (:

if anyone had noticed, i think my blogs posts are more simplified now. made for simple understanding and to clash off unwillingness to read and extra effort to understand. tell me tell me! :D

or maybe because im getting happier each day!

i dont know what to blog about anymore..

perhaps i should stop neglecting the history textbooks there.

perhaps i should make a move to say hi..

im too terrible of an example to be on top,

but i like it :D

"take your time.. i'll always be waiting"

i said i believe in love!

i emphasize love.

and im sure most of you would have comprehended that by now, if you are of great association in my life and close contact to my mind. well, even if you're not, you'd know now.

i dont mind sharing profoundness, but i hope it wouldnt meddle much of your mind as much as it did to mine :D though, i personally relish its company.

i remember blogging this earlier, in a lavishly, compact post: because i believe in love.
well i still do, and i dont thing i would ever loosen my grasp on it. it's permanent, and it's turbulent :D

if you find it odd to see these words from me, search again! ;)

and if you're a newbie, "hi!"
i just felt like doing it :p



it's still pretty early for a saturday morning for something thrilling to sparkle up, so abstrusely, it's too early for me to blog about anything mind-stealing.
but still, i could withstand the blog bites!

maybe for a more capturative post tonight, though i doubt any fun would spring up on a dreary saturday as much as today. mum's away for conference, together with my life amusement.
bless the conference =.=



geez, 3 weeks before trials and im still so unwinded.. not good.
pmr has to arise the nerd in me again.

"another day has gone, im still holding on"

what about now?

i blame imagination.
for these utterly unconvincing delusion im having.

leave phantasm aside, im energetically dehydrated. simply for poking my nose into the rear, unveiled side of the installation today. and yeah, it's my fault again. but well, it's one awesome install, and needless to scribble, totally provoked tears.

tick..tick..tick..
im thinking way down abysmal now.
and im very much spooked with my own thoughts.

yes, it's odd how time seem to possess magical powers, going faster and slower at the same instants, playing the wheel-charm differently within every heart. i adore the time factory, and how i wish i could be part of it :D

if i succeed, i shall make life easier for u people.. someday :D


things arent flowing according to the expected scheme. it's the second time already today and i hate to know if there's a third one coming, though i sense it in the depths of logicality.

well, that's what i'd got to fill up my list of rants.
but it's all revolving around the same matters for a few days already. ive been pretty patient, but i dont see what patient has done for me. i know im blind, but still..



im so academically deprived. and im not at all prepared for trials, which is supposed to hit in another few weeks. the space is getting narrower every second, but im still utilizing them so much for my blogging habit.

blogspot had sparked a writer in me, but also killed a nerd.
gaaaah! it's all in the mind!

mind is wheezed..

as i glanced hurriedly glanced through my blog just instants ago, something grabbed my attention.
why was my last post on wednesday?
didnt i just blogged yesterday?
the content seemed totally identical!

and i realised, today is only thursday (:

time has been playing its tricks on me again, streaming them into fantasies, thus, having them flying back to me. slap me in the head, i'd feel better :p

anyway, friday has always been long-awaited, for the awesome-est lessons and for summarizing hectic school days. 'fatigue' seem to be a constant life partner already. oh, tell me which assuntarian dont marry it..


and so, tomorrow is the annual prefect's installation.
but having me there, wouldnt make any difference (:

im not being installed, neither am i getting uninstalled. im just there to mess with some devices (i hope) and to torture the crowd with dreary horrids of our vocals. not so entertaining, but very much amusing :D


i'm missing english tomorrow. it's odd to not be in class when you longed for the lesson, and at the same time, u are in school, but somehow, and inevitably, i just cant be there for it.
doesnt bring the smile out of me.. nah-ah, not at all.

i miss the long, unremitting chats. but somehow, when im with you, things seem to turn upside down, revolving far from what i would and have expect. i give up again.



i guess people would be blogging about the talk we had today, supposingly informative and encourageable, but awfully disturbing. u should have hints on where im getting to. so i shall hit the brake now..

no need for elaborations, it would distract and distrupt more of your mind. ugh!


i'll bound to have some stuff to either rant about or to be 'ss' with tomorrow,
so till then...

"the clock will strike midnight, and she'll be gone"...

wednesday's amusement park..

again, im having a not-very-consumable lunch now, again.
and thus, i blog to refine my appetite..


today, my emotional status just ran loose as if there are no boundaries. well, kris allen might be right, there are no boundaries. but it scares me, personally, and yes, even myself!

emotions escaped to the amusement park, for a roller coaster ride ;D

dawn marked an unpleasant energetic boost, as an unidentified gust forced my eyelids open, to yank me out of bed. unquestionably, i want to attend school (not only because i have english lessons), but still, the idea of history lessons sapped my enthusiasm dry.

i like history, (: but not when it's narrated in class.

later, p.e revealed the awful truth that we would slur over literature again, somehow.. for we cant teach ourselves, teacher's missing, students... bising.
lame much..

i heard the cheers, i saw the high-fives and i sense the revelry.
i know people are glad, but im just not..
and i just hate it when people show how much they like it when she's absent, simply for the dreariness of english.

then, i gave up. the shadows shading my mind is too much to challenge upon and it intense excruciation to actually battle it. but just as i surrendered, light diffused into my empty mind and whoosh! the world was never brighter.

gosh! i cannot imagine, neither can i construe what miraculous force it was. i was stunned, dazed and whatever more adjective to add glitz to how i felt. it was simply magical.. and that smile i beamed was priceless.

that moment was pure excitement, and then, the joy sank a little, for i began to wonder why am i so thoroughly filled with bliss. it's quaint, it's never odder, but i just felt happy (:

i can feel it, and i dont need agreement to this :D


oh yes! i love my mummy..
she quoted "wanna know what's padan muka, look into the mirror!"
and for that, i love her twice as much (:


i am very addicted to the song Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman, lately, though the song might have been released ages ago.
im always late..

"cause i know, something the prince never knew"

i need self control..

i'd always adore juggling with big words, and frequently screen my compositions with them, literary or simple blog posts. i just find it amusing to fit in huge words (:

but big words could rotate to a whole new point where it draws frustration, juggling ur mind.
in this case, im referring to the NSW english test, which i whacked the meaning of half the words played with.

compliments are there, for life's sake, of being laid with thick layers of blarney. but i'd never trusted them to thrust me to a higher grade, languange wise.
it never really did, after all.

and among the thoughts evoked throughout the paper,
she's going to kill you, had nudged me the most.



nerding sessions havent been going parallelly to the schedule.
my miserable schedule, sparring me nothing but time for loo and sleep, and eventually having me not sticking to it, like now.

it's devastating to just contemplate what ur mind is up to. first, u'd feel all self-contented in coming up, successfully, with a heaped schedule and having keen faith in yourself about following it.

and then, u end up going online and blog, telling the whole world your idiocracy about not following ur schedule and how depressing it is.

the shell does all the drama,
have you ever thought that i'd so much running in my mind?
it's a continuos treadmil..

glad madness...

the globe still rotates in an effortless manner. and how i wished everything obliged to us, could be done as swiftly and smoothly.

the significance should be plain..
im again repining about the trials exam drawing close in less than a month :S

i need more than 24 hours in a day. even if i merge blogging time with lunch and tuition homework time with school, i still need more than 24 hours.
the syllabus is too compact to be stuffed into my congested mind in simply 4 weeks..

not to mention the news that art would be included in trials. things are ridiculously quaint. i dont see the need of stressing us indolently unprepared students any more, but still, art is good for your mind. yes, yes!

and i simply abominate nerding. though i'd manage to pull it through quite fine the last time, having a particular source as my energy booster. but now, i feel neglected.

life always swirls and twirls and whirls to a stage where your importance isnt quite felt as it first was, generally, because u know it's already going to be there for you.
and it is only when something is gone, when its finally cherished..

but i dont want to be just something,
i want to be someone (:


it is, frankly, incredible to see how mad u are at her, although i hate to see the fact that u are mad. the terrible mood paints my face pale.
and especially when i left something essential at home.



and,
i have a drastic urge to look at the Mosaics 09' pictures and videos. but, it's not uploaded yet. not even the shades of it. i guess i've got to wait then. patience is virtue. i wish i knew..

if being me is natural, being u is extraordinary (:

Hercrux.. i likey (:

"being me has its privileges..."


a simple line in a tumultuous movie which particularly caught my attention. an identically plain dialogue, but when introspected, another profound scrap from my exhausted, believing mind.

Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince..
(stop! if you do not wish to know the story line)

a couple of hours ago, i was still freezing in the cinema, trying hard to distract my thoughts from the cold receptors back to the movie. The diversion was much of a success, but a little overdone, that esoterica began popping..

perhaps the movie had gained more than enough respectable reviews from people everywhere. but generally, i'd expected more in the movie, after those "harry potter was awesome!" reviews.

but still, it has not disappoint me.

im rather amazed, and thrilled, to see the variety of life implementations in the movie, actually. perhaps it's because i have not possess this mentality i own now the last time i watched harry potter or perhaps it's because it is different. i dont know..

but i think im a little bias in the first condition (:
anyway,

romantically, Ron and Hermione didnt sparkle much chemistry, perhaps to be awaited in the one to come. then again, the jealousy characterized by Hermione was strong enough to delve my chamber of memories to provoke the tears again.

believe it or not.. i was on the verge of crying.
and it would make an ordeal to dig a tear out of me.

favourably and fan-mood-ly, i didnt want Dumbledore to take his exit from the movie. though i know this isnt the complete end to it, but still.. personally, Dumbledore's death is a cuting point already.

fictionally, i still fancy the terms of potions and spells, though ive never really probe into the fictional world. then again, Hercrux is captivating enough to snap me into it :D

enamouredly, Draco Malfoy still qualify in my mind as excessively charming and hot (: being the most bewitching villain ever.

conceitedly, i love the manner Dumbledore portrayed this complacency, in such a way that the audience isnt deflected, but rather convinced over his abilities and rights to have verbalized his egoism.

and hence,
being a typical teen, harry potter is still averagely marked awesome (:

one friday night :D

i dont feel my heart beats anymore, for lit night stole my heart away :D


riiight.. maybe i'd overdone that. but still.. it was one awesome night.
though that, thank goodness i wasnt insane enough to go for the matinee as well. or i'd fall off my chair last night. not trying to insult the show, just whacking it on my literary senses.

the seats arranged were supposedly of the first row, which marooned me in a pretty awkward situation being stuck between two. and lucky enough, i'd found someone to pull me out of that situation. phew!

the plan wasnt imprinted in my mind when i'd first went over. all i could manage to sketch was to start a little chat until the show begins. but who knew what the future sees and bam! just as i hopped back, the lights dimmed.

and there i sat for the rest of the night..



it feels so disencumbered to have opened up that bolted doorway in my mind, to, at last, reveal that dark secret which i'd been longing to blabber out. and i finally did. and therefore, she finally knew, how much that decision had stabbed me.

it feels so contenting to have caught that mental sadist to see me with someone. im beginning to love that jealoused curiousity in her eyes whenever she sees us. it's one satisfying glare, though beyond brings cues of me rhythmically transforming into a mental sadist myself..

also,

it feels fantastically good to have assuaged the urge of those long lost, constant chats. it feels rejuvenated, despite the seating stiffness and almost breakdown, it really is rejuvenating! and i meant it literally, no esoterica.

it isnt an everyday routine to have such bonding moments, which signifies my right choice. odd that i'd used 'bonding', even i think it is. but im just typing whatever my mind's commanding me to. right now, it says, leave it as 'bonding' and shut up. so okay!

though it was also awkward there, where teachers were seated and in midst of them, a random student.. i just didnt say it. but oh well, at least im more willing to be sesat there than in front (:

and so, someone made my night!
who knows why?
but she really did..
smile maker to the smile maker (sm) :D

hence, concluding the night and this post, lit night was, not only worth the watch, but also worth being there, simply to sate and state my emotions, pierce someone's mind and walk away with it (:

and im much convinced now that im a mental sadist too.. :0

not so much of an expected friday ...

right now, im eating.. it's apparently lunch time. at home having lunch symbolizes not-so-good for SM. u will know why if u know me well.

supposedly, no one's staying back anymore to simply loaf around. trials are drawing near. i abominate exams and plainly loathe the truth that trials are in less than 30 days. shock revealed that im so doomed, for not being notified.

in spite of the constant mental alert beeping frequently in my head, im still tranquilly blogging as though tomorrow shall never come. no, not an usual sign from me, but still...

at the minimal of it, i'd made an effort to at least save some ticks of the day.
which is why im eating and blogging.
to merge those 2 slots in one (:

yeah! multitasking : your ultimate solution to last minute revision.

though i suppose blogging would just devour my appetite to eat. concentration in two matters at the same time might distract chewing and hence, swollowing, peristalsising and digestion.

oh! my digestive system is gonna have to work wisely. hope no food gets into the wrong internal partitions. ugh..

digestion talk make me sick, especially when im actually going through that process right now.
bleuk..



oh yes.. this friday wasnt such an expected one. perhaps i frequently throw hopes too high up that it'd lost equilibrium and therefore, stumbled horribly. well, anyhow, i'd ecpected more to that.

but who knows bout tonight.. i shall go sms now (:
so tata!

i guess it's just me now..

freaky friday (: but it's thursday today...

PETALING JAYA, 16 July - the friday night event in assunta secondary school seem to have consumed everyone's week. yes, elds or not, students or teachers. the week has almost dissolve by again. where the noise has been relocated to the hall from the classrooms.

*exclaims* "i cant believe we could actually sense the serenity"..

brief touch on current issues in assunta and for blogging amusement. apologize again for neglecting my blog. so that's for that..



8 days passed since the last syllable heard, verbalized by someone. and along the week, hours sketched a slight sense of missing together with a whole lot of tasks obliged, i'd pull it through without being emo thoroughly.

im may be proud now.. for once (:

Indolence might have filled my enthusiasm for using big words, so im just keeping my post simple today. no utterly inunderstandable words.

i still have nothing to blog. god knows why. perhaps it's because school seems like nothing anymore, though trials are biting me. i feel utterly useless now. but who cares..

so till tomorrow.. for meeting someone again, and till tomorrow night for lit night!
i shall see you again..

(:

is this a simple sort infatuation?

part of my world

i miss this..

and you're the place my life began..
i wish i could speak to you again..

fating the next instants..

ideologically, visions might be an easily-dreamed-success; reality checks, life teaches you not to be greedy. and im all in concurrence with this. reality had just checked hours ago, couple of minutes before the final bell rang..

such a monday, to suit today's laughs and tears, a surprisingly despondent early gift on the yearly special date of a lifetime. sweet sixteen could be more harsh than i thought. life's fated almost every path.. no comments.

so today reveals the leader-to-be of an entire study body, revealing much joy to one, and perhaps, the other facially okay but internally offended two. friendship bonds are too hard to break among solid assuntarians, and we all are :)

i want it but i dont like it. how very strange.
but truth unveils, liking devours a larger portion of mind, than the actual faculty.



when it comes to a large amount of 'enters' and a commencement to a new story. it's something odd and never expected to be trailing the content above. and so, im taking a lap to personalities.

personalities are too peculiar to be justified right or wrong; nice or not. it's not easy. it takes one to know another, but as much as that phrase is accurate, knowing the other takes you to know yourself.

complicating? and contradicting?
i so agree..

im giving up. after all these while trying to figure out what sort of character you're fantasizing. but again, it's beyond my humble mind to generate the amount of effort and potentiality to make out the puzzle of your image in my mind.

so forget it lah :D

*forgeting*
*forgeting*
*forgeting*

*still in progress*

gaaaaah.. forget about forgetting. it's swaying too much of my thinking. though it's purely understood to be not right, i shall not be affected (:

oh no! i've slacken of the limits. i dont intend to blog yesterday and hence, the appearance of the double post..

no sm, no.. stop now!
ahhhhh..

every word of yours,
agitates what life has to destine the next instants..
and that's the most an idol could do to make life permanent,
(:

ive got diabetes

this is how a few hours could reverse the ultimate temperamental spirit to immortal felicity. i love and fancy the drive of a few words from her could be so rejuvenating.
they shall want her in "revive" advertisements to boost sales :D

at least, i'll buy them (:


paralleled to the previous post, i have something to blog about now. finally.
so that this would make up for my possibly absence tomorrow as people are coming over, encircling more warmth around the house, to make my day more... cheerful? must be..


some psychological references might have elucidations to this state im currently in, but i dont think i'll be able to give a tight shut in my eyes tonight.

my iris wouldnt contract, my pupils wouldnt dwindle the air space, my eyelids refuses to shut.

and no, im not about to be haunted by horrible nightmares, at least, in my dictionary, they are nothing similar to nightmares. they're more interpreted as diabetic dreams..

yeah, too sweet to even make me sleep (:

"it takes someone sweet like SM"
dont get it? only she does..
and shern perhaps :D

i wanna say hi :D

i just need the simplest getaway from all these daily discordance i have to face. extraordinarily, life is totally of the other side, as perplexedly ordained as ever. and throughout all 14 years, im still in search of the best way out..

im just a kid. mentally feeble, physically not so bad, fashionably fine, intellectually sufficient, etc. summarily, normal. but, who knows what the interior eyes see..




okay. so it's getting boring. no one would read my detests, no one would bother checking my updates, sooner. fine. i shall shut up..


strangely, and suddenly, i wish i had a bulldozer. i want to clash of that solid defense. i want to smite that barrier, termed, morality - especially between us.

this entire business is just odd. it's been since the last syllable, 5 whole days. and that wave of emotional feeling has been lapping strongly against the edge of my mind. i hear the words breaking off from the echos..

i just want to say a simple hello :)
do you feel the same..?


if you'd notice the lacking length of the recent posts.
it's because nothing's happening.

and ya know what? im going to say hi right now.
so that, something will happen :D

empty mind

im much neutralised by now. it's hours and days since the flaring rage in myself kindled. and im glad it's over, for now, but there's bound to be a resumption to this state. a part II perhaps. signifying more complaints to punch on my poor keyboard to torture your poor souls.

it's hard to have to abite all my protest, but it's harder to bottle it all up..



now for a cheerie saturday post. well, at the minimal of it, a supposingly cheerie saturday post..
i tried keeping it gaiety, despite the non-stop saturday routine, it's quite an accomplishment :D

my dead mind needs some quaint sort of entertainment for weekends, aside malls and food, for rare amusement. im in need of new weekend plans. malls are getting a little too, frequent :S

let weekend fatigue aside, ive ran out of words.. well i shouldnt, but i am, strangely..

it's hard to blog when u've got an empty mind of nothing..

something is bothering me though, so my mind isnt exactly void. i suppose not..
but still, i cant phrase my structures nicely, and i simply hate it when i cant.
it's like im too distracted with that 'sunken' emotion..

will tomorrow be just the same for you and me?

it's congenital hatred..

the measure of obligation favoured on me is consuming more and more of the superfluous chasms in my brain. and thus, im getting less room for additional intelligence to be heaped into it. in simpler words, i might get stupid :) based on SM's unproven reasons.

though that, the current amount of grey matter in my mind now should be adequate to satisfy self-ego and whatever there is to be bragged about. then again, i dont fancy swaggering much. in fact, i simply abominate individuals who boasts excessively.

well i guess, sometimes it is okay to just brag - under a certain limit of pride. though commonly detested.

im fine with it, people who brags. the world is jam-packed with them. sometimes you need someone identical to make this place the world. no braggers, no humblers = no humanity. deadness unveils..

despite that, people who brags without sufficient cognizanity are typically fairly disliked, depending on the condition. which was why, i'd once say, dont try dominating if you dont have the capability to.. and yes, i am referring to someone in particular :)


i love my phase out yesterday.. but i'd like to improvise it.
i'll soar every moment you might fly.. and even higher when you stumble (: and sue me :p

i really hope you see this. so that i dont have to verbalize these so un-SM words to get it on your awesomely unbearable face (:

will you marry me?

the answer might count weightier in siding no; or other wise, a possibly yes, to surmount my tormented thoughts. and before any wronger thoughts evoked, my current marriage target is "bliss"..

in display of plain observations, im frequently disturbed by this distinct set of emotions im born with. and hence, the appearance of this blog, might lead up to serious mental let-outs. i dont mind, just as long as im happy.


but im nothing close to that now :/


im glad now that i did not attend school yesterday, or my mind would have exploded in rage and anger. though the workshop wasnt utterly pleasant, it would at least slur over a day of fury.

i need more blissful days to fulfill the slot for happiness life has to offer.
or perhaps mine doesnt?
most aptly..

my point is..
im deceived, so is she. and so is everyone else. the mastermind beyond this ingenious plan, happens to be an impersonation of "a sunrise hero; a sunset crook". how skillfully done..

i dont blame her. i dont blame anyone. in fact, im not suggesting any assumably drawn up inference on this matter. i just felt that we're deprived from justice, things are awfully lopsided. and so, im not taking sides. im aware of my stands.

i know my limits. and they arent running high these days. one trivial trigger, and i go boom! i'd always learned to control myself. i had always chose to pretend to be find, minding my own business. but i wish i could reserve the calmness i'd once witheld..

i cant do this any longer.

my foolish actions of overheating rage would please her more in everyway. such a mental sadist. referring to whom? that's for you to judge, for me to ponder over..



life is always a see-saw, one goes up and the other heads down.
and as much as that philosophy holds, im always the lighter one..

i shall soar every moment you stumble :p and sue me..

i need to talk

the world is revolving, the people are moving on, time is never much faster. then again, i always sense that im lodged on a specific time line when everything, or simply, anything is static.

supposingly, i should be blogging about the "creative writing" workshop experience, but i dont see the necessity to explicit any negativity, in any case of offending anyone. i shall remain silent if the truth isnt widely bearable.



and so, blogging hasnt been quite a routine lately, if taken comparisons to the past, when i used to blog each day. just tolerate the fact that blogspot is eventually rotating to a not-so-popular hit for us, internet-ers.

things arent flowing in the direction i demanded. the temperature has been taking jumps, often reaching high and dropping low, unexpectedly. quaintly, im used to it, responding the same was as though i merajuk.

it scares me, and still it does, when i think about it. i loathe the fact that we know what's going on, but verbally denies. i loathe the fact that we could be trekking more vastly, if i could only shatter the glass of morality and appropriateness.

forget about it..




so did anyone catch MJ's memorial service at 1am last night?
i know i didnt :/ intentionally..

despite the fact of not being an MJ fan for all these years (and i do know the existent of MJ), i literally skipped MJ's memorial service to avoid the emotional conflicts i habitually encounter. painful, direful, excruciatingly fearful..

never in my life would i attract emotional forces to work my feeble mind.
im still conscious.

time is scary

day by day i skipped blogging.. and no sooner is it, i find time speeding by meteorically. it's horribly alarming, escaping the elementary trigonometry facts we learn. time zooms by without a second trail. how fearful.. :/

it's the month of july. and well, july wasnt meant to be frightening. july was implied as the commencement of torture. true, but with additions to the torture, the phobias.. of time moving by in such a dire speed.

i fear the truth that form 4 is in terms of months. and no longer years.


it's, again, pretty strange that i'm all into the solicitude of growing old, instead of the fatal PMR when it's concluding this year. i'm in the wrong path, worrying over the wrong things..

the prognosis of being in form 4 has always been a literal nightmare. it's when ive got to decide faith, when ive got to destine life. it's all in one word, ten fingers and a whole bunch of senses. when ive the most minimal of the last concerned.

personally, it scares me when ive to decide what am i to be in time to come. i have the slightest clue, with the perception of pleasing the world, but myself.. then again, i dont live life for the rest of the universe, it's for me. and me, solely..




i wish to be like her. but music doesnt dominate my life, to be precise. i havent actually taken it seriously.. it's always the unforgiving attitude of, take it for the next week. though imaginatively and instinctively, i would enjoy much of this profession.

i want to be literarily excellent. to radiate literary illusions to the rest of the world, who hasnt learnt to cherish it. potentially, it's not much of a sloppy hill, not to mention the lavish amount of contentment achieved.

i need to be professionally impressive. to suffice the world's hope and theory of not dumping a whole lot of gray matter to waste. but the truth is, wouldnt there me more wastage if i dont get sufficient contentment to proceed? i dont know..


so the world wouldnt agree with me. im up with an esoteric fight.
odd, but when u fight life, life always wins.

simply grateful for...

sometimes, i might have been too deep that i'd slurred over the most nominal events. sometimes, i might be too simple to have overlooked the most animated commotions. as simple as that, im an ignorant kid.

and i've got to change..


the fact that PMR is in approximately 100 days, or less, had been killing me silently on the rear of SM's shell. it's strange that im feeling so excessively dithery over academical achievements. i've been running kiasu these days. excuse the typical malaysian attitude..

initially, the plan was to end the revelry of freedom when the month of june begins. but the plan had seem to only work after a month, and even that, is not drawing up a success. ahh.. the sight of books makes me sick. and i've got to put up with them for years to come.




forget about the anxiety talk..
let's skip a step to being grateful. random, but morally right.
i likey :)

this was drilled into my mind by a certain educator. given a list of top 5's, what are u grateful for? the question wasnt meant for me plainly, but it'd strung me to my thoughts again.. and that, i'd came up with a list..



1. im grateful for my distinct set of emotions - allowing me to feel and express in the name of depths and esotericality. though it made me an odd kid altogether, i love the way i feel the most negligible matter..

2. im grateful for having sufficient intelligence stored in my occupied mind - to satisfy my unceasable egoism in just everything and anything i poke my nose into.

3. im grateful for possessing quaint writing abilities - encouraging cryptic writing and articulations, drafting every unverballed view in a profound manner, expressing disturbing thoughts and yet, not revealing it to the world.

4. im grateful for the touch of love felt - though it wasnt real, it was just enough to suffice the invisible pain, clashing off the rusty, callous SM.

and the last one,

5. im grateful for the existance of a certain individual - who had just stumbled into my life, completely inadvertently. and changing it from the rarest to the plainest of all elements.. also, completely unintentionally, showing me the actual world reality is destined.

it is of whoever you assume would fit into this simple description, i shall remain silent.

there's a laugh in my eye,
there's in waltz in my walk,
it's been such a long time,
since there was hope in my talk..

the world seemed great now..

words chimed, in spite of my awareness, in a melodical warble, unconsciously beyond my control. i'm not possessed, i'm quite certain of that. it's like my mind's working in some severe spy movie, and plainly, it's betraying its master(mistress) to cling on the sane path.

for an introductory, the above should perform the trick finely..


at times, it's not that reminiscing can keep memories fresh ahead in mind, it just appears congenitally as if it was meant to at certain moments. tragically fearful, despite the right moments, when u might end up frustrated over it.. then again, i'm used to it as a routine.

so these echos has been loafing round much in my head these days, with no specific angle or direction. but that doesnt mean i'm emo-ing. it's just quaint. senses are roaming freely as though rationalism doesnt exist, merely because i'm not emo-ing.. :D

i'm appalled, terribly shocked. could it be because i'm so used to it that i feel less of the existance of it when it actually happened. or could it be that it's no longer that. but that creeps me out even more than what's freaking me out now.. :S

so for the major update, im still a little too not over it. for the less major update, im alright, juggling my emotions just as well. im doing good (:



im not a decent kid, for what i speak are not proven accurate.
im not an attentive student, for my mind travels furthest during lessons.
im not an obedient child, for i rebel internally.
but im never a rational thinker, for i believe in impossibilities.

and it's in impossibilities where i find the possibilities in making my long-visioned dream to make real, materializing my fantazied dreams.

for that, i await...

today's blabla

i seek the future.. im amused at its permeability already, though the results are certified, i'm certain my prognostications shouldnt revolve far from the truth, yet to reveal..

it's pretty plain. anyone with the slightest sense would know the outcome of this falsifying fact. it's just a put-up, to me personally. no offends to anyone, i just wish to get things right.

that's that. end of mood drainage, back to obsession.

i've no specific item to blog about today. perhaps im too busy in search of MJ songs for someone who needs to reminisce (:

so bye bye, i guess..