2018: Here I Go Again

As I type the letters to the title that I have given to this post, I realised it has been exactly 10 years since the beginning of this venting space. It started as a narcissistic outlet, where I would pretend to declare my love to the one I love, hoping she would read it. It then transformed into a whole lot of anger and finally I left it here to wilt, with the occasional watering in the last few years.

Do I value this space? Yes, I do very much actually. I had a little freak out just a couple of days ago when I couldn't even remember the name of my own blog.

Why don't I write here anymore then? It could be because I just have more to hide now. As years past, the layers of dust that shields your core from the brutality of reality increase in thickness. And perhaps, just perhaps, I've allowed myself to hide under the skin that I've perfected in playing.

...Or maybe I'm just a little less narcissistic.
But doesn't saying this make me a narcissist somewhat?

Observe the thought pattern above. Unlike a bunch of colliding atoms, freely moving without a direction, my thoughts are collision directed. I set them out as targets for my proceeding thoughts to collide against. Is this what I do in life? Who really knows any answers right?

Okay, I'm rambling.


Signing off,
An extremely disturbed mind.

She Doesn't Know That I Still Love Her.

I am madly in love.
...with a person who is incapable of love.

Doesn't that sound like a dramatic love story already?
So here's the real story.

There's someone out there, whom I am so madly in love with. I know it, she knows it and I think everybody know it. Everything is so complicated that it is actually impossible to explain the dynamics of the relationship, but as far as labels go, we're best friends. We kind of live together, party together, work together and spend almost every living second together. She's always on the top of my priority list and I would push away anything or anyone to be with her and to take care of her.

It all sounds like a modern day fairytale.
But the truth is, am I really happy loving someone who is incapable of reciprocating?
Well, I thought I was.

Don't get me wrong, I am. But it just makes me wonder how long more I can hang on to this last thread before I can let my heart break and admit that nothing good can ever come out of this for me. I love her too much to forgo the feeling of loving her and the happiness I feel when she silently loves me back.

It sounds crazy, but I'm actually drowning in a love that doesn't exist.

Sometimes I feel like the world is watching me fall pathetically on my face in this impossible route that I've chosen. I feel like people are watching how much of a sad little puppy I am just following her around. I feel myself try to stop myself from stopping her fall in love from other people. I hold my heart together when I see her smile at someone else. I am so aware of these feelings because I am so afraid that everyone I know would know that I'm the girl who's madly in love with someone who doesn't love her back.

Sometimes I even try to just pretend that she's just a friend to me because as ridiculous as it may sound, it would help hide the fact that I am so desperately, pathetically in love with her.

But today I realised I shouldn't. I shouldn't be ashamed to love; I shouldn't be ashamed of my heart breaking; and I sure as hell shouldn't be ashamed that someone I love cannot and does not love me back.

But everything still falls back to the same question - do I hang in there until the thread breaks, or do I break it myself once and for all?

How Do You Know What Is Real Anymore?

So how do we know what is real, and what's not?
Because at any given moment, what's real can just become unreal.

My realities have been shifting, initially from one end of a spectrum to the other, then from one corner of a triangle, flipping from side to side to side, and then to another shape with more angles. It has just been rolling. It's like the weekend is a form of a reset button. You know, just like in the movie Edge of Tomorrow, where Tom Cruise hits reset when he dies? Yeah, that.

It really does seem like a good idea when I was watching the film though. In reality, it confuses the balls right out of your mind.

So you go through a weekend, tested a theory out and feel like, 'hey you know this could work,' and then you go through the week and things worked out, and you think to yourself, 'okay then so red is my new colour.' Then you go through the next weekend thinking red is your colour. But then you discovered that red gives you a fucking heart attack, and so you discovered blue. You think hey blue is fine, it's a peaceful colour. You go through the week doing blue and thought 'okay, this works.' Then you go through another weekend and then you realised, 'fuck, blue makes me sea sick.' And the whole thing repeats itself again, and again and again. By the end of the month, you almost have the entire rainbow on your palette, and you think you've finally found the perfect colour because that last one lasted for almost three weeks. You've lived with it, you loved how it makes you feel and you're perfectly happy.

Then, fucking hell, it happens again.

It then makes you wonder if what you feel is real or not?
Do you still love her or you don't?
Are you pretending because it hurts less?
Or are you really genuinely happy?

These things make you question your perception.
And that is driving me fucking insane.

Because I still love her, and being happy isn't a pretense.
But when it's blatantly put out there, it changes everything.

True Love Is In The Heart

Being up in the middle of the night listening to love songs, makes you contemplate life.
Undeniably.

I feel like I'm at this place in my life that I feel that I can love truly, sincerely and unconditionally with everything I have. Thing is, everyone has the potential to, but we are not always aware that we are not maximising it, perhaps because we're constantly being fed the idea of love as being perfect, reciprocated and rewarding in the wrong ways.

Can love be completely unconditional and selfless?
Yes. But only if you learn to embrace it.

Loving someone and not knowing if that person loves me back, used to kill me on the inside, because as obvious as it is, everyone wants to be loved back especially by the person they love. But this is a cognitive belief that I have lately challenged because the reinforcement of loving someone should not come from the reciprocation of love but rather the wellbeing of the person you love.

It is easier said than done, yes.
Because I have always said that I can live with not being loved as long as the person I love is happy. But could I really? No.

It's probably a concept that requires a lot of unlocking of doors in the mind. But once you get there, I guarantee that you will face the raw, genuine and wholesome feeling of true love. And as I said in my last blog post, nothing fuels a Libra more than that.

True love is then perhaps a state of mind, a state of accepting and unconditional giving.
Well, for me, at least.

Love Can Be Everything

Truth is, reality isn't a cheesy romance film.

I've never wanted to admit how much of a hopeless romantic I am, neither have I ever acknowledged that I am quite possibly the cheesiest person ever. But lately I have come to realise that love very naturally dominates my life in the most irrational way. When I fall in love, it becomes everything - my entire life goes to trash and love becomes the only thing that keeps me whole, keeps me grounded and keeps me sane.

Whether that happens as intensely to everyone else or not, I don't know.

But when love runs out of rhyme or if something goes wrong, I always hit rock bottom because my life revolved around it. I tried to change that rhythm every time I fall in love with someone. I tried not getting too attached because I know if and when it ends, I will be wrecked. But each time I do that, I ask myself what is love when you can't love someone with everything you've got. So again I jump headfirst off that cliff and when I crash into the water, I literally crash and burn.

As much of that kind of person I am, I rarely admit it. I downplay it like a relationship isn't my everything and love is only a part of life, maybe because I always assume that it seems sad and pathetic to imply that a person, a relationship or a thing can become your whole life.

And recently I found out that being a Libra, we're ruled by Venus, the planet of love and we're in the seventh house, the House of Partnership. I'm not making excuses for the person I am but I am beginning to understand why I am the person I am; which sort of helped me to acknowledge the fact that I shouldn't be afraid to be who I am.

It is okay to make love priority.

On a Lost October Night

I haven't blogged in almost exactly a year. I mean, who actually blog and read blogs anymore right?

So much has happened in the last one year. I gave up on a relationship, learned to be myself for a while, and somehow fell head over hells back into being in another relationship. I've discovered so much about myself - all the possibilities and impossibilities - and somehow found a new self out of all that, which I actually love very much indeed.

But here I am again on a disoriented October night, in fact the first October night this year, buried deep in thoughts, once again lost in my multiple layers of facades and personalities, wondering which one truly reflects the core of my being. Can I, or will I, ever reach an absolute point in time where I truly know who I am? No one knows. But I was told that when I ever do, I will know. Obviously, I'm not there yet.

When I was away for 5 weeks, I felt as if my life was falling apart - being taken away to a place where I feel I don't belong in, I felt stuck and lost as if my soul was ripped off my body and it was desperately searching for a home. And I thought, hey you know, when I get back things will fall back into place. But boy was I wrong. Little did I know, gravity doesn't fix what's shattered in your soul. Things don't just fall back into place.

I'm not sure I know how to accurately describe this feeling. But I will try. Imagine yourself being the centre of gravity and parts of your being are orbiting around a constant radius, or at least they should be. And right now, how I feel is that these parts pushing further away from their orbits and I'm desperately trying to pull all of them back into their radii. And I'm at a loss because how the fuck does one do that? Is that even legit?

I don't know.

But tonight I'm sitting on my desk in my new room, blasting psytrance uncontrollably loud. I feel like the heavy bass blasting out of my speakers is the only thing that's comforting my imaginary wounds right now.

Where do I go from here? I don't know.
But one's gotta live.

Grow the fuck up.

Sometimes I feel like Blogspot is lying to me when it tells me that people actually still read this blog.

Remember how I was all happy and optimistic in my last two posts, yeah well, all that changed. I'm not depressed but I'm somewhat pissed off. There is no legit reason for me to be pissed off to be honest, because this is how life is for me. I can't get pissed off because someone who's more financially able asks me why I always have insufficient funds; I can't get pissed off when I get asked why I work so many hours a week; and I can't get pissed off when someone says that I never have anything to buy whenever they ask if I wanted to order groceries delivery with them.

What I mean is, I shouldn't get pissed off, because that's what it is for me. Some people have to work harder than others because they are not as privileged. Because they don't live in a pink bubble in the palms of their parents who are too afraid to pop it. Some people fight to protect their own bubbles, and to alleviate such burdens from their parent's palms. And to some people, if they don't make it, it's the end.

I am not as fortunate as others. I only have one parent to support me financially and emotionally, and I am perfectly okay and grateful for that. But to the other people, just know that some people don't have it as easily as you all do. It's a form a suffering, it's not a fucking joke.

Grow up.