Welcome back stranger..

So I'm back here after 3 solid months. It's a shame that I still can't live without Blogspot. You share too much of my secrets and guilt. Even time, can't take me out of you..

Sorry I've disappointed my readers.

Now that all that's said and done..

I need to speak my lungs out. Half of my heart is inside out because each word from you twist my heart the wrong way out. Every word that's not meant for me..

I don't know what's wrong between both of us. I know I still have that bit of human in me to care for you and to show you that I still do. But when you jab me right through like this, it's really easier said than done.

No matter how many zillion times I say I don't care, I do.
Because when I see you speak to everyone else but me, a little part of my heart stray off a lost track.

Some sense

So after all that I'd been through. I have finally decided. I have had enough of pain and I'm drawing a line. I'm worth much more than this cold ignorance.

A superstar post I dare not tag

So after all those times that we'd had together, and after all that I'd been through, it's over. Literally over. 

It's a word that I'd always wanted to spell, but never had the heart to. But what's the point holding on when I know that's the end? You'll always be a precious part of my memory, the reason why I soar, and the only one who has such an impact.

I wish it never had happened. But making silly wishes like this isn't gonna make me feel better.

Looking out to the clear blue sky, listening to secondhand serenade made it feel awful. I can't seem to forget the way we went this far. 

So tell me it's still there, tell me you haven't move on.. Tell me, I'd still believe it.. 

What did you dream about last night?

Oh. I dreamt that BM paper is SEVEN hours.

Ask me anything

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Ask me anything http://formspring.me/quirkyblue

Superstar Series #18

A 30 minutes phone call with you.
It made my day
:)

Low.

I really, suddenly, felt the need to blog. There's just this entire garbage load weighing at the core of my chest and I need to get rid of immediately. Otherwise, I shall never be able to stay happy..

Well, I don't know what's wrong with me. I just feel sunken.
Could it be because she's ignorantly on?
Could it be because I can't nail history right?
Could it be because I'm all messed up with physics?
I don't know.

Kierkegaard just makes life swirl loopier on a daily basis. But if the swirls are neatly straightened, likes can't be defined straight for it wasn't at it's initial state. But if lines aren't straight, then math would have been wrong. Theoratically, i fail balancing logic and fact.

I have none :)

"Don't think I don't know about the hair on the pillow"


- iPhone doodle; credits to blog press -

Superstar Series #17

Today was as repeated as any other day. Same things happen, bad luck repeats.. And I thought it was just another tedious day before you actually pop up in front of my eyes.

I miss you a lot, after 3 solid months.
So after all those things I said and I fathomed, I guess I was just too instinctive. Woops.

So I was running back from the hall, racing with Shu han. As we slowed down to laugh, we got up the stairs and something of this odd blue caught my eye.

I knew there wasn't anyone else who actually wears that colour (AND I pay extra attention to similar looking figures :D - which is the bigger reason why) And I immediately stopped shu han, of when I noticed she noticed too.

Well yeah, the rest are just as they are :) you gave me the BIGGEST hug ever :) that tightness in it showered all the love that we were deprived of.

But somehow, I think I have ALREADY gotten used to the way of going without you virtually. It didn't give me that much of a jerk..

Whatever it is..
You're always a superstar.. OR perhaps, superwoman :P - you and your missions..

- iPhone doodle; credits to blog press -

Inspired by Biology :)

On a rainy morning, my limbs melted in its coziness and I refuse to budge;
In a Biology class, my sight faints off and my pupils struggles for light;
In a History class, I dream warily, for she loves me, but I'm sanguine being me;
During an English lesson, conscience pushed against rationalism. Just subconsciously, I share less love in compositions;
In a Mathematics class, all I could distinguish were stars, for the magician's throne - twas ignorantly inherited;
In a Chemistry class, I get amused, quaintly quoting my teacher without being the least riveted, theoretically;

It's mundane. And twas my Monday so!

"Down to the last thought in my head.."

Superstar Series #16

It's post 301.
And I am bloggerattic :D


Nothing really symbolic about this.
But as time comes to patch things up for Editorial, I thought of the dead in deadline. It's like being dead in the date of deadline when date doesn't even exist in it, for dateline is a total different story, summing up a huge difference in comparisons with both the words.

Well, I though I should unveil those thoughts and resume work. But before that, I thought I could stop by here :D

I still remember our first lesson.
You asked us the difference between deadline and dateline.
I knew, but as usual, I shut up.

"You said darling I am tired of living my routine live.."

Our Snapshots In My Head

8th of May - Today I can't believe it's your 4th month there.

I should be happier today. After all, it's all the BBQ excitement tonight - the fun, the laughter and everything :)

But amidst all these, I had to have a thought. I had to click on my blog, I had to visit your profile and I had to just watch that video. Which is when the feelings had to move on with its all time mission, to make me feel miserable.

Those tears I shed, I couldn't dry. But now, I couldn't even try. It's all over to me.

I think I'm getting used to life without you around. I'm even getting used to seeing an image / smelling a scent / hearing a resonance and feeling an emotion that just reminds me of our memories all for all once in a while.

I use to cry over this, but my tears aren't magical enough to reverse the effect of what has happened. So what's the point? I hate being this way. But I can't stop.

I really wish it never had happened.
Even if I were to give up all that I have right now, for SM today wouldn't have evolved this much without you.

I'd really rather.

I am jaded no more, no more..

Happy Birthday, my love :)

YEO SHU HAN :)

H A P P Y B I R T H D AY T O Y O U .

It all started when you ended up sitting in front of me 3 years ago when everything seemed simple now, but a total kink if time were to unwind itself. I wish everything could be as impeccable as life sketched before.

Time hasn't allow me to spend time with you, and even the rest of the troupe, and I believe, things changed already. I know how much I said I wouldn't but when you reached a certain point in life, it's what happens. It's a tale remain untold.

I couldn't get back to be who I used to be. Time sped by and life evolved into a whole new stage where I couldn't afford to impersonate my old self.

But, I'll make a point. When I have a good friend at a point of my life, she remains with that name for the rest of mine.

May time delineate more happy, lame times together.
Make a wish, it'll come true.
And, Happy Birthday, Shu Han :)

Colours are spelt fun :)

I just spent my day shopping and having fun :)
It's been a while since fun had literally proven it's strength in my life.

Laughter; and when you crack a total joke, don't do it in the middle of the mall. It's hard to control laughing and walk decently at the same time..

Tomorrow will be dreadful with today's procrastination.. But hey, time wasted when you're enjoying is not wasted. And so, no regrets :D

I love quirky coloured stuff.
And a special mention for blue :) I lovey you.
From hair scrunchies to hair clips to hair bands!

"tied together with a smile when you're coming undone".

Books dig a deeper hole :)

I guess I should bring myself back to the reading world, like how I used to love written pages rather than printed screens. Not that I never had the passion for reading.. But, I just lost it, in midst of all those battles drowning me in time.

So I'm stoked again, currently awaiting for my hotly ordered book, which is expected to reach my hands in, say 3 weeks? And this time, it's Sartre. Jean-Paul Sartre.

You'd probably think I'm mad. I have enough angst in myself as a teenager. Probably overflowing with it. But I guess the 'angst' that y'all are uneasy of in me, just resembles the way life isn't the same any more.

I might have said how much I wouldn't change and everything. But when you haven't live through it, you'll never know. And that's how I knew :) there is always a moment in life when you think you need to get back to the battlefield.

Victory has everything that the lost ones cost a life. When every move determines your future, every word contain a spirit.

"I'll come save you even if it means I'll have to face the queen"

When You And I Inhaled The Same Moment

It is not how long the period that you stood by me, it's the fact that you actually did.
And I appreciate that..

Everything happened at the same moment. A live reborn, a soul taken away. It's that blink of an eye that you might just regret, for the rest of our lives.

But I did not care what they said, for I pulled it through.

Everything is subjective. The positive energy may be the product of the negativity and the negativity could be the beginning of positivity. Negativity - jealousy - just saps a person of his/her life like THAT.

Zzzapp..

I'm blogging depth here.
But I'm speaking the truth. Be it positive or negative, my opinion remains personal. Violation free. I am always me..

"That could only mean, I am me once more.."

Twas tragical.

I feel like Sweet Mae again :)
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm back.

I'm falling head-over-heels, once again, back to the affection I once had for academics. Tumbling to the meaning of love for school is exhilarating :) Like, causing a huge disorder of emotions in my mind right now. And I'm ecstatic that I blogged happy :D

For the past few months, I dare say I'd been cheating on my erstwhile insomnia, for I'd been hanging out too much with sleep.

Sleeping somehow became a huge part of life, even if it was all that I was deprived of (and still am). And I'd since, ditched sleeplessness.

Oooh, I remember the excitement of late night studying last year.
Being up alone till the moon rises like the sun, makes me feel king :) (or queen :P) It rocks.

Okay.
I'm hungry. Hi, McDonald's, I'm coming to you now.
Oh kids, forget about what I say. McDonald's ain't good for health :P

"You were sitting at the coffee table when you're reading Kierkegaard"

I miss those chases. I miss being a fan.

It seemed like a century passed since the last time I entered this blog page. I don't mean the time count, I meant the events whipped up through the weeks. SEWO Concert was a huge success. I'm proud :) And whatever more adjective that can sum up my joy :) and yes, till now.

But naayhh, that's not why I decided to resume the blogging trail. Perhaps you're right, I got emo again. Ahh..

I shall narrate.
I walked past the gate at the wooden bridge today and somehow, god sent some scent to my path at where I was walking (back to class). And yes, just a breathe of that scent evoked a thousand emotions.

I suddenly got quiet and thought. I missed the old times when you were there standing by me, as I walk by you. I really do.

Looks like what I feared last year did come true. No one's to be blamed for this. No one, AT ALL.
And everything seemed just a tinge harder when we're boundlessly not under the same roof. I fail as your fan.

I wish I didn't think this way. I wish I was normal, and my brain would surrender in this kind of thoughts. Life would be much easier.

SO yeahh..
I'm not PO these days, but I think it's the time in life when WE should ALL get serious.
Being 16 isn't as tough as being 17, but it sure is different from being 15. Wake up :)
Let's all strive :D

"Oh I can't believe it's happening to me.."

Superstar Series #15

It's 3.15 pm on the 9th of April, and I've been texting you for the past 30 minutes. When you mentioned, 'kaya' repeatedly instead of 'rich', I thought it was just so cute. One of your ever childish impressions :)

But as I read your last text, I thought, "why isn't she using 'rich'?" and I was like mumbling 'kaya' to myself.

Remember this:
*you**me*
it was one of the pavillion moments again.

Why the video like that ah?
See la, it's cause of someone's camera..
Tsk, yeah la. You buy new one for me la, you so kaya.
What kaya? The bread one got a lot la.
(both) *LAUGHS*

Epic :D

I need you, don't I?

I was so excited for the 16th of April, as everyday draws closer by the second, i feel my heart leap an equal amount faster. Just as this happen during every other event, the spirit in me would be corroded bit by bit then.

I thought it was good. At least, people think it's good for a first timer, but do bear in mind, it's going down the historical line. How could it be judged as 'good for a first timer'?! It's got to be really good.

To me, I think it's pretty acceptable. Nothing wrong that I could spot, but I do admit that there are extra elements that can be added into it, for my lack of experience in that certain essence, but that wouldn't bother the current quality.

I'm currently lost of trust. Where am I? Straying in midst of the busy world, searching for a branch to cling on. I need a genuine one. I really really need you.

Sometimes there are things that I tell myself I could only do with your presence here. But in reality, I always can without you.

"You told me there's no mistakes, it's just all it takes"

Thank you for the music; You made me sing :)

With utmost reference to my post title, you made sing - it's just true. No elaborations. I'll leave it there just like how it is, because I love it the way you just DID it :) Naturally with no preservatives. MSG, blablabla.

Oh, I love the way my add math teacher says BLABLABLA. It's so cute :)

It's a warble never played, and I'm just afraid of showing my amateur music. I'm no big shot writer, I'm just me. I doubt I even write, because I express.

You know, it's just different. There is a fine - a VERY fine - line between writing and expressing. No wonder I don't impress as much in English essays. Because I wrote. And you find the wonders in my blog posts, because i articulated my heart. I expressed.

It's not if the words are twisted in a triple helix, it's not if the words out-limits the sky, it's the way you play with it. I'm a poor player, I admit, but at least I give in all my heart to play.


Ohhh, I'm so entirely sapped of energy. The weekends shopping mania drove me wild, summing up the usual mall binge. It's like mitochondria, the savvy biological term, it gives me energy.

Odd when I only get headache in school.
Though I love it as much, my head spins at its presence.
Aughh..

"My baby, he don't act like himself no more, he lost that smile, i used to adore"

Kantoi Day :D

I can't deny the fact that my blog is deluged with emotional blog posts. I'm pretty convinced that it is too. And you may think my life is just dreary pieces of written blog posts, identical, it's not.

It struck me some time ago, when I'm happy i live with it; but when I'm not happy, I tend to express - being the exact reason why my blog is entirely filled with these sort of post. It's like a genre already!

Hmm, my chatbox isn't working anymore.
I haven't any idea why..

Oh well, 16th of April is a LONG story, shortly narrated :)
I can't wait at all!

Zee Avi Fever.

I feel like a psychological mess.
Just every time something exciting happened in my life, and this hits on meeting special people especially, I'd get entirely emotional after that.

I have a cue on missing those events/people whom I've met. Not like they're really close to me, or even know me at all. But something, somewhere in my heart just miss the fun, and all the over-excitement :)

God.
I would get all extremely madly sunken in even if I youtube the videos that night. How depressing can this get? Features is good for giving me this kind of exposure, meeting great people; but if it's this case everytime, I'm gonna have a hard time.. Hmm.


Dear Zee Avi,
I love your show. Can we play time all over again pleasee?
Ahh, I'd rather not, then I'll emo all over again. Not good..

"So I guess that's the end of our story, akhir kata, she accepted his apology"

we'll make our own honey :)

Something's exuded into today.
Either it's luck who's bringing me all these, or fate, who settled them within this 24 hours. I don't know. Oh well, I'm here to share my current joy :)

Flashbacks are the greatest things ever.
The reason beyond the joy was for Shu Han going with me tomorrow to The Gardens for Meet & Greet after a supposed, inevitable FFK. It's okay, the reason remains unchanged. Zee Avi :)

Then there was the SMS; struck with a heart attack and stroke.
Heart beating faster than the usual, still pretty usual. But beating like it's popping out of its shield, is NOT usual. And then the stroke, oh, the tattooed smile :)

Oh the other joy!
I finished Add Math on time. Hmm, not so much of a big deal huh. Whatever the score is going to mark, I'm happy I did what I could. And, hopefully, it isn't straying as far as my mind did.


The reason I lived today was because it was worth living.
So suits my day :D

"I am a honey bee, shunned out from the colony and they wont let me in"

Superstar Series #14

I miss you, and I officially know that I can't elude that fact anymore than I tried to.
It's a dream..

Yeah, I dreamt about you again. Oh why. Gives me that feeling..

Hmm.
As much as I was a very very minute part of your competition last year, not that I'm claiming any credits, but I like playing that part. It's like I'm helping you worry.

But now, how I wish I could still be there like I did.. Even if I wasn't much of a help. It's just a kind of joy to be there for you. Remember you said how you wish i was there by your side to help you?

I guess you have many more people by your side to help you right now :)


I'm out of words now. Probably because I'm still pretty affected by that dream of mine.
Whatever.

You're not worth my time.

To get you out of my life completely would make me seem ruthless. I'm not, because I still love you. Even if I feel like I'm crazily being used.

It's alright now.
It's not worth getting all upset over someone who isn't even half as upset as you are.

"Never make someone your priority when you're only the option". So why should I make you my priority. Yes, it hurts reading this huh, after all those "I'm always there for you"s that I'd written and said all these while.

I'll still be there though, just that, I'll let things go for a bit.
I should start living a life for myself, and not anybody else :)

Happy Holidays everyone :D
I feel like I'm slacking, and the guilt consumes me alive.

Is it me, or is it you?

As your TM photographs fills your Facebook page; You're taking steps away from ASN.
And because I forever am a part of ASN, I feel each part of me being forcefully pulled further from you.

As much as you wish to get ASN out of your life already, I'm included in it.
Does that mean,
This will only come to one conclusion?

It will end, won't it?


Photographs are for memories. And memories are all history.
So does that mean I shouldn't take any photographs with you to get this going?

"I fake reasons to live on"

and if I have just a bit more courage, I would have tagged this under superstar.

I MIGHT die tomorrow, but so what?

"If I were to die tomorrow, I'll die with regrets" Enamel.

People always quote to live life to the fullest, because it might be your last day today. No one knows what's going to happen.

But if I were to live life like it's my last, and if I don't die tomorrow, things will turn out worse than not living my last day to the most.

If today's my last day.
I'd forget about what books really are all about. Screw and nail those Biology and Add Math paper next week.

If today's my last day.
I'd tell him that I actually liked him a lot, and my wrong perceptions about love at the first sight.

If today's my last day.
I'd tell her that I love her a lot too, not that she doesn't know. But i don't know. It seems to me like, she knows but she doesn't. She loves me too, but she does not. Compliques.


The rest will be left as it currently is. People know that I love them, it's enough. Over emphasis of love make life harder on the scale :) I perceived that.


On the second thought, living today as it is makes me happier than living today like my last.
Cheers!

in another month.

"They told me you shouldn't force me to like things that I choose not to, but the thing is, I chose to like you. Enamel."

"I thought I saw love and care in the shine of your eyes, but in the end, it was just the reflection of mine."

Dear Enamel,
In case you see a sadist writing this post, I don't carved on myself. So fine, I'm no emo, I'm no sadist.

3 months ago, we were still pretty tight. You being the usual energy boost, having all the faith in me in that very special month, when you thought the most of me. I loved it. I love the graduated teddy, I love every little thing you did, including thanking me for every little thing I did.

2 months ago, you left in such a hurry that I couldn't squeeze a tear out for you. I was not ready to accept the hurting fact. I'm a coward, I don't face reality, I hide. It was hard for me, feeling the air around me without an energetic boost, the sufficing oxygen content seem like it's not enough. It was hard for you, not because I wasn't there, it's because of the environment. You told me there won't be another SM, I believed you, and I got so stoked.

A month ago, I came over to say hi. You were caught in such a surprise, while I stood amusingly watching you radiate that bit of childishness in you. It makes me smile. We hung out for hours, not wanting to leave but had to for time didn't permit. You told me you wanted to adopt me as your kid and asked me if that tells me anything. Well, it tells me everything that I need and want to know.

But now,
I'm afraid I would lose you.
I'm afraid that it isn't the usual sensitivity in my mind that's causing all these faded delusions. I have a feeling it's real.

I wonder if there'll ever be a day when you and I would stop the SMS-es.
I wonder if there'll ever be a day when you and I even lose contact in Facebook.
I wonder if there'll ever be a day when you would stop reading my Superstar posts.

And, I wonder if there'll ever be a day when you and I would stumble across one another's profile and wonder who it is..

If you'd ever read this, forget it.
I'm speechless.

As much love as always,
Me.

Exam SLASH-ed.

So much for falling back to the lazy blogger I was, exam has been lurking around some corner. And before I could even blink again, it's in less than 10 days. How frustrating..

I tend to like to use the word frustrating these days without caring the proper meaning it bears. Naah, people don't learn English from my blog, so I guess it's fine. Besides, SPM don't take blogging into consideration..

Anyway, I'm declaring a break here. How I wish I could add a "free" after the break.

Hi :D Welcome to Nerd's-Ville.
To exit the territory, press 1.
To speak to the nerds, press 2.
To be a nerd, press 3.
To slap me on the face, press 4 :p

"Every move you make, everything you say is right.."

Today was a fairytale

Valentine's Day 2010

So much for the excitement beyond what my mind could actually contain, i was just crazy to watch this movie. Taylor Swift :) I guess I'm an extreme fan already.

Well well..

The story line isn't anything fabulously novel, pretty much of the dinned movie lines, the conflicts, the actions, the climaxes. Oooh. But I absolutely fancy the way everything actually connects to a nicely laced end.

And I know, Taylor Swift appear only thrice in the entire play. But it's worth the watch, really.

With such coincidence, my cinema number was 13..
THE lucky number. Lucky :)


Being in the writing mojo, I'm definitely NOT a fan of the name Felicia for Taylor. It doesn't depict enough blondeness in the name to characterize the semblance of the character. Though the portray is vividly vibe blasted.

The dance move?
A classic.

"I wore a dress, you wore a dark grey tee shirt"

Superstar Series: #13

Throwing my sight upon Medusa just now drew out some thoughts in my mind. Again, about us. Hmm, we have endless topics to chat on.

Beginning of last year (2009) I was very much afraid of you. That stare of yours mentally threatens me in a way that I'm mindlessly terrified. I was really afraid to look into your eyes.

Something in that gaze of yours has this sort of coldness in it. This coldness that scares me (yes, I used 'scares' instead of 'scared' because it still scares me till today); stared me down to strips of fear, with a little insult. Hmm, I don't know the exact reason beyond this perception of mine, but yeah, that's true..

Hee.
I guess I won't get to see this anymore now :D

"You're here, you're eyes are looking into mine, so make me fly"

Logan Lerman ♥

Percy Jackson & The Lightning Thief

By its reputed title, I was dense enough to believe that it was kiddish mess. Really, I did. The scale of book quests that I'd actually accomplished rounds up the fatuousness in me than the ostensible classic whom I depict.

I might have the itch for the entire MPH, but authentically, I have the least urge to complete even one of those paper compilations. I'm the type who goes for shortcuts. In other words, movies.


Looking from the perception of an addict, Logan Lerman wins way loftily than he did in my mind comparison. The boldness, the pride, the ego completes reality's longing for perfection. He simply did it, in that flawless, speechless sort of arrogance. Perhaps it's Percy Jackson whom I'm directing all these magnified extracts to, who knows.

Being an enamored teenager, Logan Lerman is an official deal. The casts were none to criticize at, at all. Luke's brilliant, Rover was quite on the passing confine, Percy was just ravished at. And for once, I have every yes there is to the reputed pair..

Settling in the angle of an influenced fan of Greek mythology, my sight was enthralled by the diversity of every little elements. The amazement; Of such deprived knowledge I have to the vast of facts freshly debunked. I am so stoked, literally.

Judging by profundity discernment, Greek mythology evoked enough memories to pull my heart down deep. YC is a huge fan of myths, and being a great fan of YC, I'm pretty much of a fan too, by name..

Discursively, Medussa had a spell on me. A sudden one. To be mentioned in the next Superstar Series..


It's an awesome combo, the cast, the production, the entire story line.

"I definitely have strong feelings for you, I just haven't decided if they're positive or negative"

Superstar Series: #12

Somehow I was dreaming again today, like how i would get lost in a daze staring at a single spot. Through a day's routine, it's not surprising at all.

I thought of last Monday.
The way you shed those tears, listening to my story. I was taken by such surprise. I didn't expect it at all. I thought I would just tell you what happened, all that I had to put through just to make it on that day. Yes, slight intentions of making you feel touched, BUT not thaaaaat much.

WOW.
I was, um, speechless.. I really can't believe it.

EDITED. (17:49)

This further reminds me of the last day of your presence in school. The first time I saw tears in your eyes. I remember I purposely brought tissue :p

But yeah, I remember that day. And there's this contradictory feeling right now. I'm happy in a way that reality is painted this way, but there's something which saps me low, when I think of that day, which I will then think of the emptiness of the corridors.

Then again, like I once said, in one of the previous posts, I'm glad things are this way now. Hmm, I'm such a twisted mess.

"and now I know, how far you'd go.."

14th FEB.

Chinese new year just contain the least amount of hyp this year, merging with another special occasion, dwindling the love. It's either cny being over-cared of or valentine's being neglected..

I love valentine's, the lavish amount of love in the air. Literally.. But with cny sharing the rush, red just resembles anger.. Hmm. I don't know, the ang-ness of cny seems too radiated.

I'm currently seated on my swirly chair with my legs rested on the bed and listening to some muffled Chinese song from the teevee. Hungry, waiting for dad to return with KFC :D

Happy valentine's day darlings.
Happy chinese new year all,
And happy birthday, big bro..

:P

Superstar Series: #11

Usually when I go out with adults who, by apparent features, look like my mum, but isn't, the question, "Your daughter ah?" will sure be a part of a conversation if we run into someone unfamiliar.

AND, normally, when I'm out with MT, she would always jokingly answer YES.

So when someone shot that question the other day, I was expecting pretty similar of an answer, but yours was obviously different. You answered just to the point, which felt a liiiitle like 'on the face' to me.

Just a little, don't worry.
Not substantial enough for tears, or those HUGE disappointments that I'd related. Haha.


Then in your message later, you said something which corresponds to the previous scenario. Get me? ...which is just the prefect heal :)

WOW.

"kau terlalu istimewa, kasih dan sayangmu terpancar, seikhlas.."

Superstar Series: #10

WOW. I'm typing post #10. Being the slothful blogger I am, it's like a considerable number already :) But being the compulsive writer I was, it's an awfully tardy speed.

Lame-ness rocks :D

you ; me
(at the same time)
*hugs* *high5*
*high5* *hugs*
*hugs* *high5*
(then..)
eh, high 5 la.
*high5*
*HUGS* (probably the warmest yet)


Actually, why were we even high-5-ing?
HAHAHAHA.

"let me share, this whole new world with you.."

Superstar Series: #9

OH YESH.
I only slept for four hours on Monday.
I was too excited.
Woke up in the middle of the night at 4 :D
Check twitter and facebook.
Proven :)

Superstar Series: #8

"You make me cry, make me smile, make me feel the love is true"

As naturally as I would dredge my mind for emblematic quotes or phrases to represent our story, I had it shot right out of its confines! It's a congenital ability, which in other words mean, I'm born this way :D

I think the above phrases have every little message and love that I would like to express :)

When I first heard this song, this line right above, I thought it should resemble a love story gone bad. But after all that I went through, I perceived the hidden drift. Tears does not lead to stale endings ALL THE TIME :D

My case is a great example already :)


Whether I'm giving or given, I love surprises :D
Thank you so much for simply making my day wonderful :)
Probably the best that I'd have for the entire month since you were gone, really.



Oh by the way, I noticed something. Well, I'm not surprised if you did not. Perhaps it's the eccentricity I have, haha :D

The same song played in the radio when you gave me a lift the last time, and yesterday :D I don't know the name of the song, and I can't recall the tune. Do you remember?

"it must have been the way, today was a fairytale"

Sunday joy :)

Being stuck at home after a short yet apparently heavy outstation trip with tonnes of homework in mind and other onligatories, I feel guilty.. Not to mention handy the handy blogging convinience and the karangan berpandu homework just where my hand lies..

Guitar tour is such a glue! I charged my phone about twice already today, and it's just 12. Not good..

Despite downloading games and other cool applications, I did, mark my words, DID complete most of my homework. What's left are to be neglected to rot to death. Sometime when there's the marking need, I shall revive it :D

Imagine my joy, forensics are over! And I can get editorial stuff done. Like finally..

Righto! Tomorrow's a big day :) I'm so stoked.

I wish I'm there for you..

The vast expectations you have on me expands my dream, telling my competency is unlimited. A bound is nothing in life. I rise for you told me I should, and I felt so after the assurance.

Despite that, I hate to know that I can't fulfill all that you had placed on me, the hopes and the wishes to see me shine as the top. I have no comment in this at all, for my response will cue the same way as it always has.


It's nice to feel that you really do appreciated my presence. Now that I'm not always around, it makes things more solid fo us in fact. We love each other more.. Imagine my contentment when I you said you miss me too :D

Truthfully, I don't hate this as much as I used to..
I'm appreciating it now :)

"I used to be a damsel in distress, you pick me up at 6, today was a fairytale"

You Mean A Lot To Me..

The case seem too elaborated. I have assured myself untold times that I'm relentlessly NOT in a drama series. Perhaps I'd matured, and aged numerically, life seems just so different. Tears can't illustrate the precise words in my heart, and the uneasy sentiment over it has since been thrown off the edge.

I incessantly searched the core of my mind for an answer, to a stone-age question. Why did I wish to grow up so badly when I was a kid?
And now, I don't even know..

Perhaps it's only me being ingested alive by the contrition of the situation we're in. I'm pretty sure you're still inhaling every breathe like fragrant. I'm not, because my sensory cells fail when I'm around you, I can't even distinguish oxygen.

You've characterize your role like this all this while, and very transparently, I was the one who moved along your way. I didnt care being criticized down to a cent or less, I didnt mind taking all the sarcasm and hints that you think I'm way below you. I cared for all that we'd been through, I gained a higher EQ, just for your sake.

Perhaps our bond grew, and my mind did too as we sailed on, but I feel like I can't take it anymore. Releasing the anger deep beyond that smile of mine would just evoke such a blaze in your heart that I wish I'm the one who's going through the excruciation here.

I don't want to hurt anyone. But sketching a self image this way would make me a self-sadist. And I just feel like rupturing any moment.

Being the half-hearted self I am now, I can't even look into you in your eyes when I speak to you. Every word from you seem to annoy me, because I can't take it anymore. And I don't want to be the mean one in your perception, so I hide. I lam out of all those meeting junctions, and I'd rather not talk to you..

I'm afraid of this, really..

I feel the guilt because I'm hiding away from you. I feel the guilt because I'm not entirely truthful when I'm with you. I want to hate you. I can, I feel so too, at some points. But I can't do it. I just CAN'T.


Can you please, PLEASE, understand my situation?
Do you even know who you are? If you do, just forget about double-checking, I wouldn't know how to do this anyway.

But yeah, I miss the old times..

"take me back when our world was one block wide"

These Pictures In My Head :)

I can no longer count my thoughts on time. Every tick seem to be twice it's speed by every second making each second seem like it's half of the latter. Looking at the time makes me rue the fact that I still have either piles of assignment, or an inbox jammed with email or just mindful thoughts.

Well, somehow, these obligations fill my time. And thanks for not allowing me to get all caught up in my own delusional thoughts.

It's almost a month since you left Assunta, almost a month when you shield off the name as an Assuntarian. I missed walking up and down every path with you..

Through the month, I dare say that I'd grown. I see different perceptions, undefined angles of every little minute things in life. I see the true colours in people, I see the more of myself as just a play role, being used to achieve certain dreams, I see true friendship, more lucent friendship as compared to those I once thought was. But most of all, I see how much you actually mean to me.

I'd since fallen over the edge, been picked up as trash, seen miracles transform into nightmares. But on the other hand, plucking bliss on the moon, experience new, fun stuff and laughed insanely :D

How did I feel about it now? I don't know. Am I still feeling as bothered? At this point, I can utter a low 'no'. But there are times when the 'yes' is pretty substantial.


Looking at the brighter side, if it wasn't for your transfer, we wouldn't have evolved another step. Or maybe even many steps already. I wouldn't have written you that book, and you wouldn't have ever knew the thoughts I had. And hence, you wouldn't have known me now.

Perhaps it's a fresh start. Novelty counts in reality :)

"if you happy and you know it clap your hands :)"

Superstar Series: #7

I still remember you routines last year :) You'd be in either 3C3 after class or 3M4 before class every Thursday, and sometimes.. well, most of the time, I'd be there :)

And we'd talk about just anything and everything under the sun, from the lectures, to sarcasm to being lame. It's really fun doing that, if only that could rewind itself, I don't mind getting more replacements for duties :)

you ; me

*talking about me, going to move*
eh come stay in Bandar Utama la.
so far, for what?!
cause i stay there! then we can have more time to meet
*shock*
and we could even go for walks in the park!
*shock*+ huge beam :)

Hard to picture the *shock* and *huge beam* thing, but deep inside, it's way beyond dramatic :D

"rah rah ah ah ah.. roma romama, gaga ooh lala..."

Hands Up

I dreamed a dream of such a precise illustration of what my mind subconsciously desires. Your return. In my dream, I dreamt that you return as a science teacher, and giving each one of us your very warm hug.

I acted a though I didn't care, but when you settled down, I gave you a HUGE hug :)
Does this indicate some prognosis? Like you're coming back? :D

Hmm, I'm too selfish for myself as an individual and as that kid who calls you my superstar. I should think for your pluses, not my own. But in reality, I am.

I still feel that ache in my heart. I do miss you, but I don't want to annoy you anymore. I shall stop. And hopefully, this isn't the last you're going to here from me.. or I'm going to hear from you..

I'm all up..

Superstar Series: #6

Remember that time, some when about the Mooncake Festival? It was after school, and there was this situation:

you ; me

*fumbles the bag of Mooncake in your car*
what you doing somemore?
*while panting* wait la, don't talk to me first.
ah, what you putting inside some more?
wait laa..
put yourself inside the bag la
can I?
after all you don't like going home wert..

At that point, I remembered that warmth that I felt. It was just priceless, just similar to how I felt reflecting at this point :)

"Because you make me believe in myself when nobody else can help"

I'm so fed up of mising you..

The amount of posts published here, in this very awesome blog that you're staring at, that was meant for you as a dedication just evoked an awkward feeling. I feel stupid. I'm feeling like a 'piece' all over again. And just why..

Being online for the sake of your erratic appearance and rush-y chats are just so mundane already, especially when the fruit is a rotten one. Reading our chat log used to be pleasant, but not anymore, when you're reading the same one, in such a dinned regularity.

Sometimes, I've asked so many times that I don't even want to ask anymore. I feel like a pain, myself. But what's the cure? I miss you so much that I can't stand being a horrible pain and doing it all over again. I hate myself for doing that.

The thought that I'd accepted your absence as how reality sketched, every little feeling proved me wrong. Though its effect isn't as substantial now, every now and then, some routine will evoke some memories and I wished that you'd be here to create some new ones together :)


Why does every little thing remind me of you?
Even just a simple action? You don't own them, and so you don't own me. But somehow, things just happen like, THAT.

I just miss you, but I'm so fed up of missing you already.
It's just a fact I can't change but wish to, just so badly..

"kau, terlalu istimewa.."

Double Tails and 7 Seaters

Referring to the title of my post.. it's basically a simple copy and paste routine. I always do, for indolence's sake. Still, I don't fake originality.. no implications :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY (BUBBLE-FACE) SUELYNN :D

Well, among the rest of the 6 of us, I got close to you the latest in the Lamers - which in the cue means, WE are the last to ber-lame :) and somehow, now, my house is like your third home :P Time works in a such droll way.

From being the blurrest, to the bubbliest to the lamest, we'd witness many things in a group and as individuals. The friendship you and I, and all of us have is something that no one could tear apart, even in many, many years to come.

I wonder what will life sketch in the rest of 2010. Given a wish upon a star, may all your dreams materialize :) and well, I did give you stars :P


and simply, Happy Birthday SueLynn :)

Superstar Series: #5

SOMETIMES.
i really do wonder
- Am i just like anyone of them;
or am I actually special?

Superstar Series: #4

Not a specific memory that is especially memorable that I wish to narrate, but it does relate to the present profundity.

Remember on that Wednesday, I said, "What if I'd never met you?"
"..What if I'd never spoken to you?" and I longed to say, "Will I treat your parting like just any part of life?" But I did not.. I didn't dare to.

Well, you did. Remember what you said?
You said, you'd never have known someone like me, and I probably wouldn't be this affected.

Very frankly now, I'm stuck. I don't know how to articulate this precise thought that I have in mind. I need an expression. But I have a feeling you'll get it :) (well if you're not 'you' then you won't get it la :p)

"but in a box beneath my bed, there's a letter that you never read"

"...in the end, it is STILL an eraser"

Oh yes, my title, quoted by a teacher of the most contemporary subject. Chemistry :) I love my chemistry teacher when she said that. It sounded so COOL :D

I haven't been updating my blog on a daily ground lately. I've been VERY occupied. Well, I'm still hitting hard on reminding myself about Physics and History notes, lying right next to me. It's the regularity, it's not done. But, it WILL be done :)

Guess what? I'm actually chipping in desultory effort to actually complete my homework! I'm proud, but pride pays a HUGE price..

Hmm. Another interview tomorrow.. Adibah Noor. How very lucky?! :)

Nothing's been happening lately. I don't want to mention so much about superstar in my blog. It narrows down life, and it makes me a stalker. I'm no longer one :D

But, coming to realise, there ain't much, without mentioning her..

"so where is the passion you needed the most?"

Biology, a little bit of life..

I hear delighted kiddy shouts and water sloshing against the flanks. I'm not by the beach. I'm merely typing at my usual spot, swirling about as I do so. The opened windows do me miracles :D

I like where I live in. I get to hear the daily joy.

The gas in kids, the way they'd get all delighted and thrilled over minute issues, it seems fun now. When I was a kid, I wanted to grow up so badly, but now, as I grew, I wish I could be a kid again. Life is just unfair.

The scope of life seemed so slender during childhood. All you need to worry about is to have fun. Now, everything that revolves around me seem to be EVERYTHING that bothers me.

Watching those kids in the pool reminds me to relax. Every second has its own uniqueness, and why waste it?



Ya know, biology is like unraveling a complicated mess. I just felt so..

"This is wrong but, I can't help but feel like, there ain't nothing more right babe.."

Featured: Superstar Series :D

It was one dreadful day yesterday. To sum it up, I was torn between 2 clubs, failed by 2 individuals whom I entrust almost the most, plus a little elections disappointment. I was just feeling horrible.

I couldn't stop the tears flowing out of my eyes. God's gift, tears, something rare out of me. Yeah?

My mood was sapped the entire day. But thanks to a superstar, she made my day :) Thanks for spending 2 hours with me, just to paint a smile on me. I really appreciated it.

I know all these while she's been against my principle, hoping to twist things around, making me a better person. She hopes to see me shine. But as much as she tried, I went against her, showing her principles are principles.

Now I know, she's right. I'm defeated, but I'm not out powered yet. No matter how much she disagrees with my commitment, she still helps me through things. Straightening my thoughts and securing my plans.

I'm so grateful. No amount of words could express how touched I am. But she actually did it because I want to, against her what she hopes out of me. I feel bad now.

Who knows if she'll actually read this, but I really do appreciate the distance we'd traveled :) We'll always have this tight bond, superstar :D

Loves you loads..

"i'm no one special just another wide eyed girl, who's desperately in love with you.."

Superstar Series: #3 (+ The Routine)

My stand swayed, and I'm back to being a compulsive, obsessive blogger again. Very obviously, I'm blogging after just a day of break :) Hmm. AWESOME.

This is going into the superstar series. I'm 25 minutes away from BM class, and has just completed my week-long homework, say half an hour ago. I was struggling to just scribble a few words, my neck hurts and attention strayed.

RIGHT, back to the point. I was in the shower when a blob of something just flew into my pupils. ouch. aaaaand, I thought of a memory!

There was once towards the end of April, or was it the beginning of May (?), when I was in the shower and the same situation took place. I was about to text my mum but I hit the wrong button as your contact was above mum's.

And you were something like, "baby shampoo are rather eye-friendly..." and something else, but well, memory failure. Hehe.

"im invisible but everyone knows who you are.."

It was 6 days ago..

Being involved in too many school commitment make you cherish time just, more. And yes, when you dredge the day and watch, just for another hour to spare, the fact that time is ceaseless makes you feel like you banged your head again a solid brick defense.

OUCH.
But today was good :) Awesome, in fact.

I'd never thought I would be able to see her in school, yes, mark my bolded 'school', because it seems to me that it's merely impossible. Seeing that same rush gold of a car heading in towards gate C and watching that poised figure step out of the car, reminds me of what mornings used to be like.

Heavy bags, but truly blessed :D


Well, undoubtedly, school remains unchanged without her presence, but it just FEELS different.
The hollowness :(

"i knew from the first note played I'd be breaking all the rules to see you.."

time-tight month..

I believe the 22nd of January will just zoom up as immediate and as accessible as tomorrow. I'm not making a point, but merely depicting my week's programme..

It's just tight, things are happening back-to-back, especially when I have the least free period to squeeze in some work (+fun) during the schooling duration. Hmm, it's tough. But as much as I'm expected to fulfill every little task, I'll have to brace the upshots.

Falling asleep only at an early hour of the day, and having less than the necessitated amount of sleep, how am I to immerse absolute concentration during lessons? I can't tell anyone this, but I'm afraid of flopping.

Yeah, I used to do the same, but the thing is, I used to have a weekly-packed tuition scheme. Now, I'm all on my own.. It's hard to picture an alert SM in class, but being blur for the past 3 years totally made things a killer.

Constant reminder, 'people' expect things out of me, I can't just give in. But proving my stand, requires a whole lot more than I'd ever assumed.

"when you're like a single flower whose colours have turn to shades of gray, well hang on, be strong.."

Superstar Series: #2

I was thinking today, while I was strolling in the mall, I'm so worn out. My mind is such a dormant one by the time it's twelve am. Such an insane fact!

Well, then I thought, how did I survive last year with less than 4 hours of sleep? How did I yank myself out of bed at 6am every morning? How and why?

And well, it struck my mind. I always tell myself, "WAKE UP! You've got to be in school on time to take Pn Bel's bag!" Yeah..

Now? I search my mind, turning it inside out, almost EVERY morning, why am I up so early?

HMM..

Superstar Series: #1

So if you'd read the previous post, this is a whole new assemblage in my blog, for the intentions of completing the entire memory collection. Though they're all seperated in the book and on the blog.

So, these will be just short, unlike conventional blog post in my blog :)

SO

It was that day when I stayed back at the Pavillion (which now reminds me, I'm afraid for Forensics auditions. Normally you'd be there pushing me. HMM) Then, I wasn't aware that your laptop does not work on battery, and it has to be attached with the wire.

The table was just out of reach, and I had to push it nearer. Well, pushing it would cause a lot of noise, so I guess I lifted it.

Here it goes.. you; me

"Why your wire so short one?"
"Cause it's not long!" *the sarcastic look*
*glares back*
"Yeah la, ask stupid question, get stupid answer" *sarcastic smile*

HAHA. We were so lame back then!

"these walls that they put up to hold us back, fell down"

Superstar ♥

As much as i like the luster of the 3 badges, and the forth to come next week, the load that I have to brook is three million times of the actual, existent weight of those badges.

I feel chased, every other instant.

Looks like I've got to work out a magic potion for time making in another day or two, if Trishy fails materializing my dream. GO TRISH :D I'll pluck a star on the sky and simply wish upon it. It should radiate to the star and it'll reflect back on reality. Does those ancient theory actually hit? Hmm..



So everyone knows that this week is a grim and heavy one for me. As much as i used to LOVE school with all the capital letters, now i guess i only lOVE school without the capital 'L' for love. I still love my school, but it feels different now.

It's true, school WILL remain unchanged with or without hers or my presence, but the feeling drifted away with her transfer.

When I stand at an angle that overlooks the entire school, I can't help but to flip through the mind album. These pictures are really playing like a film without a sound. Recess duties scare me now, for I stand at that point.


I have an ANNOUNCEMENT to make.

Whichever of those memories that I'd failed to record in that book, and if it just pops out, it goes on the blog, under a special label :D

"you smile that beautiful smile and all the girls on the front row, screamed your name"

give me an autograph, superstar.

Somehow, along the time passages and among the memories that we'd sail through, having each other's support and company, i subconsciously made you my superstar. Getting to know you is something BIG in life, I think it is in mine.

But when you suddenly said you'd be taking a drift off the usual, imagining your absence make me feel sick. It's like you ran a thousand miles without having your breakfast. The world spins, and the so call 'future' seemed to realistic to be actual.

I know, you would definitely think that I can survive quite well without your daily presence. I know I can, but I spiritually can't. Trust me, I'm not being at all flattery.

Having said that it feels like a fused light bulb if you are really leaving, may sound exaggerating to every one else, but to me, it's too trivial of a comparison to use. I'm lost for words.

Why are you so impatient? Can you wait a few other 24 hours to break the truth? I know impossibilities never happen in my life, and when I think positive, it's otherwise. I'd rather be a negative filled individual.

Truth awaits. I'm afraid to text you.
I'm afraid to say the last goodbye.
I'm afraid to take the last photograph.
But I'm more afraid to see the last of your trails in Assunta.

Just, take care :)

"cause when you think Tim McGraw, I hope you'll think of me.."

school's up!

So much for fearing the advent of this year, i'd survive 2 days and 10 hours out of it already. AND believe me, I'm still in flesh.

School is in less than 24 hours. Usually, I'd be pretty stoked going to school and meeting friends again. But I can't deny the slight fear I'd have as I step into the grounds of school.

This year, those fears vanished. Perhaps they'd dissolved into the excitement that I was feeling. But once the excitement drooped into anxiety, those fears emerged again.

These fears, they burn, as though ashes would fall like autumn leaves. I'm just afraid that someone will not stay long enough. Her absence, I believe will feel like a dimmed light bulb. I already feel so now. Hmm..


Well, as much as I want to hit school, I haven't got a school bag.
Retail shops are failing me just every time I need to shop for something. But when otherwise, EVERYTHING would seem so complete. Gee.

I need a new bag, a new pencil case and a new bottle..

"You said the way my blue eyes shined, put those Georgia stars to shame that night.."