i'm empty..

I feel light, too void to be recognized as human. it felt as thought i might have to relinquish happiness, fall head over heels all over again into being emo. I might have to slice my wrist to feel weight again..

BUT I wont..

I feel useless. Of all the rubbish ideas I'd always have, what sort of rubbish am I? I can't even come up with a genuine idea of a gift. Time's everything that I wish I had more.

What if I don't see her on the 31st? What if she's gone for the rest of my life?
I don't know..

Oh forget it, SM..

"I keep thinking times will never change, keep on thinking things will be the same"

i cant eat.

my jaw line hurts, ever since I ate peanuts last night. It's awful, I can hardly eat and not to mention the constant sore. Just ouch.

Now that cremation is over, I guess everyone else is alright already. Just that tomorrow, the ashes awaits for collection and it might be a whole entire drama series. Who knows what she is up to.. Even M.Y. was so shocked.

And yeah, I'd like to thank her a whole bunch for being present, even if she has to rush all the way back from Kuantan :)

Anyway, I guess things are pretty okay. Except for my jaw line, that it..

Hitting school on the 31st. Plans of promoting struck off, but still going for the fun and excitement of it.

More to update soon. Till later.

"take me back to the creek beds we turned up"

Rest In Peace.

By name or by fate, by actions or by emotions, substantially, I'm a proven sinner, way more egregious than I'm photographically compared.

The more I look at the photograph at the funeral parlour, the more I thought of the past. Those times which you and I would term childhood, those time when we got along so well, those time when we lived so happily together. We laughed, we joked, we teased behind backs. It was fun :D

And then things drifted from the regularity. We moved out and somewhere about that motion, I believe, was when I'd grown up without you, and that sheer maturity in me couldn't acclimatize that change. You weren't there and when I came back, everything was different.

Very frankly, I can't educe from faint childhood recollection of how our very tight bond got reverted to this way now. I wish I could. But even if I could, it's just too late.

Ever since then, I had this hatred. This burning fury, which now, when thought upon, originated from simple influence, which is in fact, just misleading.



Every now and then, I'd turn to look at the photograph of you. In reality, you have faded into a memory, which is so real that I cannot believe that your presence had since disappear.

I wish I could have a good talk with you now. The last time I did was months ago, and the last time when I'd actually taken a picture with you was 2 years ago. What a disaster am I. I wish I could stay with you all over again, and live those joyful moments all my life.

I may not have shed a tear yet, but deep inside, I know I'm sapped.

You did everything to love me, but I did everything to hurt you.
Words cannot articulate my apologies and regrets. I'm just SO sorry.

I love you, grandpa.
May you rest in peace..

capture it; remember it

24th of December 2009.

Dear blogspot,

I am surprising not entirely feeling like how i am supposed to feel with the amount of As achieved. hmm.. I feel left out, very very much so. The excitement, apparently, i am over it. The shock to let out a scream, i'd drift past it.

But, I should just feel happy for it, and I'm not.

I am feeling happy for the wrong events of the day. Not the enthusiasm of the results, not the gusto for the interview, not the eagerness of meeting a friend, but the amount of love i had today..

Oh, you told me twice that you love me. I'm so stoked. It's because I'd never thought that you would ever treat me like the way I would want you to, but today proved me wrong. I have a new family :)

Okay. Let's not think wrong now.. It's not the love you're thinking. haha

Signing off,
Graduated Teddy Bear :D

"you take my hand drag me head first, fearless.."

I cant wait to meet my SIS :D

i noticed the deadness of my blog, despite the absence of yours truly for that whole period of seven days. SORRY. okay, that will make it up for everything eh :)

NOW, things are just too stoked to be true. Some when about that seven day of deep procrastination and extreme relaxation, i was told that PMR results isn't going to be on the 28th. And what's worse, it's earlier, the 24th.

I know, it's scaaaary.
But as much as I fear the results, the excitement encircling has created extreme pressure. I can't wait for it already. Everything cool is happening on the same day. I just LOVE the thought of it :D

Very obviously there's the results; then my dear darling sister is going to be meeting me, like after 2 whole years :D (and I'm just SO excited for that); then I'm meeting an awesome person whom I miss so; and the interview. My first.

I shall relate the entire experience of my interview session. I hope nothing embarrassing spills out of me. You are very well aware how much of a clutz I am.. So, let's hope for the best eh :D

OKAY.
Wish me luck yo :)
And I'll wish you luck too..

"Once upon a time, archangel in the sky.."

a little bit about me :D

I stole this from Crystal Yap :)

Your boy side
[x] You love hoodies.
[x] You love jeans.
[ ] Dogs are better than cats.
[ ] It's hilarious when people get hurt.
[ ] Shopping is torture.
[ ] Sad movies stink.
[x] You own a car racing game.
[ ] You played with Hot Wheels cars as a kid.
[ ] At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.

[ ] You owned a DS, PS2, N64, or Sega.

[ ] You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
[x] You have watched sports on TV.
[ ] Gory movies are cool.
[ ] You go to your dad for advice.
[ ] You own like a trillion baseball caps.
[ ] You used to collect hockey cards.
[x] Baggy sweats are cool to wear.
[ ] It's kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
[x] Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
[x] You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
[ ] Sports are fun.
[x] You talk with food in your mouth.
[x] You sleep with your socks on at night.
[ ] You have fished at least once.

Your girl side
[x] You love to shop.
[] You wear eyeliner.
[x] You wear the color pink.
[x] You go to your mum to talk.
[ ] You consider cheerleading a sport.
[ ] You hate wearing the color black.
[x] You like going to the mall.
[ ] You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.
[x] You like wearing jewellery.
[x] You cried watching The Notebook.
[ ] Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
[x] Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
[ ] You don't like the movie Star Wars.
[ ] You are/were in gymnastics.
[x] It takes you around one hour to shower, get dressed, and make-up.
[x] You smile a lot more than you should.
[x] You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
[x] You care about what you look like.
[x] You like wearing dresses when you can.
[x] You like wearing high heel shoes.
[ ] You used to play with dolls as little kid.
[ ] You like putting make-up on others.
[x] You like being the star of everything.
[] Pink is one of your favorite colors.

Appearance
[x] I am shorter than 5′5″. i think i am
[ ] I have many scars.
[ ] I tan/burn easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different colour.
[ ] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair colour.
[ ] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[ ] I've had/have braces.
[x] I've been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[ ] I have more than two piercings.
[ ] I have/had piercings in places besides my ears.

Embarrassment
[x] I've slipped out a "LOL" in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[ ] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[ ] I've cried so hard I've laughed.
[ ] I've glued my hand to something.
[x] I've laughed til some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[ ] I've had my pants rip in public.

Health
[x] I've gotten stitches.
[ ] Broken a bone.
[ ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[ ] I've sat in a doctor's office with a friend.
[ ] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
[ ] I've had serious surgery.
[ ] I've had chicken pox.
[x] Swallowed something I probably shouldn't have swallowed.

Travelling
[x] I've driven/ridden over 200 miles in one day.
[x] I've been on a plane.
[ ] I've been to Canada.
[ ] I've been to Cuba.
[ ] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I've been to Ottawa.
[ ] I've gone to Sudbury.
[ ] I've been to the Caribbean.
[ ] I've been to Europe.
[ ] I've been to Florida.

Experiences
[ ] I've gotten lost in my city.
[ ] I've seen a shooting star.
[ ] I've wished on a shooting star.
[ ] I've seen a meteor shower.
[ ] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[ ] I've kick a guy where it hurts.
[] I've been to a casino.
[ ] I've been skydiving.
[ ] I've gone skinny-dipping.
[ ] I've drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[ ] I've crashed car.
[ ] I've been skiing.
[x] I've been in a musical.
[ ] I've caught a snowflake or snow on my tongue.
[ ] I've seen the Northern Lights.
[x] I've sat on a rooftop at night.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[ ] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[x] I've eaten sushi.
[] I've been snowboarding.

Relationships
[x] I'm single.
[ ] I'm in a relationship.
[ ] I'm engaged.
[ ] I'm married.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[ ] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.

Honesty/Crime
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't.
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[ ] I've snuck out.
[ ] I've lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[ ] I've ran a red light.
[ ] I've witnessed a crime.
[ ] I've been in a fist fight.
[ ] I've been arrested.

Death & Suicide
[x] I'm afraid of dying.
[ ] I hate funerals.
[x] I've seen someone/something dying.
[ ] Someone who is close to me has attempted/commit suicide.
[ ] I've planned my own suicide before.
[x] I've written an eulogy for myself.

Materialism
[x] I own over 5 CD's.
[ ] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[x] I own designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
[ ] I own something from Pac Sun.
[ ] I collected comic books.
[x] I own something from The Gap.
[ ] I own something I got on E-Bay.
[ ] I own something from Abercrombie.

would you tell me too?

It's the final one you're going to hear from this crackbrained blogger. Very surprisingly, crackbrained ACTUALLY exist. Google it or something.. I learned it from some lunatic who doesn't believe in language :p

Ever heard of Evan Taubenfeld?
He's COOL :D and again, google may help :)

Oh, I left a note on your status, and jam that in my mind, i DID. So SM, stop going there again. There's this substantial force taking over, I have to click on that link each day knowing that you are very obviously away.

Tell me I'm deprived, I'm only liking Santa Baby now.
Like yeah.. Been an awful good girl *sings*

I keep wondering if I'm done packing everything. Things seemed twisted in some way, I packed too fast, my bag's too light. I guess something IS missing. But I can't make it out.

"Woke up early to baby blue eyes from afar, whoaa.."

it's a GUNG ho :P

At this moment, it is when I am least riveted to a blog post.

But I can't tell you how stoked I am right now! Shopping has finally seemed accounted, and malls have finally proven its worth. I've finally bought EVERYTHING necessary for the trip. Another approximately 2 days, and I'll be on a midnight flight :D

As much as I am eager for the trip, it's not cool. I think I'll miss dad and home, and fine, my grandma. But I'll get used to it as soon as the fun seep in :)

Anyway, for another issue, as much as I NOT want the trip to end, I want a certain date to emerge nearer and clearer in time. I miss someone, and how I wish I could meet up with her for a simple hang out :D

PMR results day might sketch a sparkly juncture, but who knows what the results might bring. I'm not that thoroughly confident after all. And the exceeding value of assurance and expectations from ALMOST everyone freaks me out just even more.

scary.

"long ago and oh so far away, I fell in love with you before the second show"

insane shopper.. HI :D

You have my word, and it is a troth i shall never blow. Listening to Taylor Swift's Mary's Song (Oh My My My) just reminds me of how you and i were, or how you and i WILL be. It's like an identical dream that I used to dream.

but goodbye,
I knew it's never going to be the same again as you board that plane.

FORGET it. It's just some chivying rant from a drop dead shopper, who misses an old friend. I'm tired, emotionally and energetically. It's not easy to get something, when you fuss over every single detail of a certain merchandise and pick every single brand from a certain mall. I hate being so fashionably finicky.

Another 3 days and I'll be gone :D
The excitement, but with a solemn fusion of depression. Daddy isnt going with us. And it's going to be my ever first experience of a vay-kay without my dad. I hope I'll just live with it.


NOW, I'm just waiting for dinner, with a tummy deluged with excessive gastric juice. And the consequence of that - gastric :( ugh.

i like stunted wordings with fullstops. just simply vocabulary and a dot. like this..
BYE.

"and let the music be your guide.."

i can FEEL that dream..

i feel dense to allow that song to run over and over again on my playlist, but without it, i feel stark. the truth is, i AM stark at this point. just somewhere on a broken path, lost, emotionless. or rather, emotionally ceased to obdurateness. whatever.

the more it wheels around my mind, the deeper the hole sinks.

i believe now, the superiority of dreams. a subconscious reality which holds the subconsciousness of what reality is. that's just it, meaningless, just DE-FINE my previous statement!? and i'd never actually trust that state of unaware sensibility sort of rubbish..

now, i ACTUALLY do.

as much as reality denies the truth that im fine even if a part of everyday is gone. i seem like i can, it's all a flawless facade, but just WHO am i even trying to cheat. my dreams proves it all.

i dont know what i should do. and ALL i can do is to drown myself in endless school obligatories. even if im DEAD fed up.

why do i wake up just to wait for the day to end?

"as the world keeps spinning round, you hold me right here right now.."

my dear :D

oh it's 7.35 in the morning and im awake blogging, with my eyelids opened scarcely and my hands freezing from the bitter dawn chills. im merely like a pile of human drooping over my swirly seat. despite everything else, im just glad i woke up.

im beaming silly at my alarm clock. this time, it's very very real. the text message wasnt from maxis or whichever other galling service provider. it's from YOU :D

somehow, when every other word in a line just resonated the coldness of your tone, with just a 'my dear' everything sounds simply absolute. a stretch in actuality doesnt mean that you dont care for me :) i perceived that out of perpetual fervent, emotional times.

those are just a twinkle now. im happy :D


it's a long day charging towards me. shopping, eating, meeting, having fun, more shopping :D i kinda like that routine, i just hope everyone participates today.

oh well,

the more the merrier

after all..

i need fantasy.. just a break

just every other time that i launched this page, things seem to pop out, out of no where at all. it's crazy to think of every other little task that i'd left undone, and every other bigger task that im struggling through.

i like this kind of holiday for an alteration now, it's fun-packed, in an exceedingly busy way. i dont get a break of nothing at all. even if i do take a break, it's procrastination..

and it's not like im not used to it..

i dont even think anyone comes to my blog anymore, after the long long deadness of it. i dont care. im just telling whoever it is that's left what i think, feel, am doing right now, even if im the last reader left..

ahh, it's so hard to get a theme for the event.. :(

"it's like catching a lightning, the chances of finding someone like you"

goodbye hero

i have officially RECONNECTED :D

but i suppose that does not mean that i'd be blogging everyday, as much as i always did. im just not such a huge internet fan anymore, somehow. that's a sad case..

i hate the fact that i hear the teevee sound from where i am currently seated, it's too distracting and for someone as forgetful as i am, i cant blog.. for the void mind and the empty soul. very, very emotionless..

people are still going online everyday, still seeing as much fun as it was when it was initiated. for me, im a quaint kid, i must admit. for the electricity in me in going online is just as thought the bill has expired. hmm..

i stand firmer on my feet these days. i dont live for the sake of meeting a certain individual. i live simply for the reason why everyone is living, which actually, i dont know why. because i used to go to school for some particular reason and even wedge my life on it..

now, she's just another person in my life. no big deal..
it's such a lost, i wish i could live the past again.

goodbye for being the top of my mind..

"and the good times flow,we can let go"

im so sick..

something is missing from the customary. i feel so indescribable, in a horribly bad way.

every breath i exhale burns my nasal cavity and every breath i inhale evokes a hundred pain. and every now i then, i would burst out in coughs for the lack of oxygen.
in short, im suffocating from blocked nose and burning throat..

i was blissfully blessed with much love and care the last time i was this sick. and still very fresh in my memory, i wanted to fall sick all over again. but now, without much of the previous vibe and none of the identical care, it sucks.

i feel like a walking scarecrow, somehow. it isnt exactly appropriate to describe myself as a scarecrow, for no better reason and i dont even look like one now. i just feel helpless. but i doubt scarecrows even feels like me.

oh whatever..

i just miss the way you assume that i go to school just for your sake, and the was you assured me that you'll be fine without me, just so that i would rest at home.
i wish those time were repeated again..

like somehow you just dont belong and no one understands you..