Empty Vessel; Am I?

What am I even doing? Why does it feel like life is duller than a sheet of paper that cannot get any plainer?

I lock myself in this room everyday. I shut the doors before me. But what is there to do? Study? SPM? I say bullshit.

I'm sick of this routine. Everyday, trying to kill time waiting for someone to speak to me, waiting for an answer, a response or even a simple hello. I'm sick of not knowing what to do trying to kill time. I'm sick of sleeping because I've had too much trying to make my day shorter. I'm sick of watching everything on YouTube because it means nothing anymore. I'm sick of reading everything of the Internet, my eyes hurt. I'm sick of writing, I'm sick of studying. And even my fingers are aching and some even scrapped from playing the guitar too much.

Perhaps it could be that I'm just sick of myself like a devil sick of sin.

While everyone is trying to fight time to study for SPM of which I too am sitting for, I don't know why I surrendered to time.

And just, why is life as such?

New Muse :)

It amazes me how I find muse at the wrongest times for songwriting.. I wrote the whole thing anyway, with my new guitar :D

But I can't get it to work with Garageband to get it recorded :(

And I'm sort of dying to share it, so I'll share the lyrics!

Words (Are So Scary).

VERSE 1:

Saturday night didn't feel so right,

Got my bags packed up on the edge of my mind,

Will you come around?

I'm sitting here, feeling you're around,

How your arms hold me,

And we're breathing without a sound,

You picked me off the ground.

CHORUS:

I try to be as perfect as you want me to be,

But your words never see,

How it cuts me underneath,

I know you that you will always be around for me,

But it hurts me, you never see,

How those razor blades in words,

Are so scary..

VERSE 2:

Where are we? Why're we standing there?

Why're we moving backwards from the memories we shared?

And they said life is fair.

It's back on you and it's back on me,

And I hope our story's not a tragedy,

But the writer couldn't see.

CHORUS.

BRIDGE:

I hate this part where we flip a page,

A new chapter, a brand new age,

You're moving on and it can't slow down,

When you'll turn around you'll see..

I try to be as perfect as you want me to be,

I hope that someday you will see,

How it cut me underneath,

I know you that you will always be around for me,

But it hurts me, you never see,

How those razor blades in words...

How they killed me.

Everytime I write something new, I'm so obsessed with it. And it's annoying how Garageband doesn't get along with my guitar.

am i even me?

I suddenly feel so empty, so bare, like there's nothing left inside of me. I'm just living a façade everyday, just to pull it through and live it off. What am I even doing? I have no idea.

SPM is in less than two weeks. Nobody's gonna be able to help me if I don't make an effort myself. When I tell people, I don't expect anyone to understand but it's not like I've never tried to pull myself together, really. So, to those of you who offered advice, thank you, but it's not doing me any good.

I really wish I can go back to being whoever I was. If this was the price, it's not worth paying. It was a hell of a lifetime experience, but it's just not worth it.

I'm so lost myself that I don't know where to go, or where to even begin. It's like an outer force has invaded my brain, my heart, whatever. I don't feel myelf anymore. I feel like there's a stranger living me.

Blogging is not gonna help much, but at least it's something. I really wish I can give up sometimes. I feel like I'm snapping.

And at the end of this blog post, nobody is going to believe me still. I know.