an 'i didnt expect' quest :)

days after the major pmr arent as loved as i'd once pictured in mind, before the exam of course. it seemed as though i thought i could stay on looking into the computer screen forever.. it seemed as though i could move on blogging every hour and every day.. it seemed as though it's entirely carefree too.

and how thoroughly wrong i was..

i didnt expect things to be as dull and mundane as our everyday now. hitting school, carrying bags, walking around, watching dance routines, chatting our lungs off, stealing chicken popcorn :p, yada yada and more yada. it's totally dinned..

i didnt expect the mental state to throb. it's been weighing on a really lopsided surface, and that's not helping one fine bit! stressing has reached a whole new stage of mental torment and sweetmae is getting slower.. oh gosh..

i didnt expect the friday concert to be free! and that means, people would be more convinced to go with me :) oh yes, i didnt expect her to reply my message as well.

oh, so much for a dull, dull day.. i see faint shades of colour now :)
i noticed the see-saw theory again..
it's taking over life :p

"and then you're on your very first date and his got a car and you feel like flying"

your voice is the soundtrack of forever

i had dinner, but mr gastric has been bothering me since 5 minutes ago :(

i find it really racking to just type a couple of words out for today's post. thanks to you mr gastric.. i know, it's just some effortless movements of finger muscles, but somehow, i still feel uneasy.

im afraid of the week. the impression sketched was like as though it might gorge me alive. no kidding, and especially friday. my weak, weak mind would explode, just to carry that thought in mind. but in this particular case, procrastination kills me more.

anyway.. im mulling over this..


i'd really, really like to go :) and for once, im not pondering over the amount of people i know there. because i'd given up a lot for a certain individual and a particular matter.. what more? a scrapful of random emotions, it's not getting in my way. naah-ah..

support the event :)

"you know what you want, but how long can you wait?"

you have a way with words :)

blogging hasnt been much of a routine for the past few days, possibly because im busy to the roots of time, presumably because blogger has been mean to me yesterday and decisively because nothing's blog-worthy.. i cant decide, for sure.

my previous post states that i was going to reveal my blog to someone important, and relatively special and i actually did, for real.

it was a shocking night, a catastrophic night. facebook was being awfully nasty to be. it has deleted my EVERYTHING. my wall was literally empty and my photo albums vanished, except my profile pictures. hmph to you facebook. HMPH! :p

perhaps it's revenge for the abuse of it. well, i am a facebook abuser after all :p

oh yes, my intention was to lead to the part when i called her to give her the so call surprise :) it's considerably her birthday too, and surprises should be the trail of it. in my world, yes.

so i rang her and screamed into her ears for the facebook disaster. not as bad as i did in msn, but still.. and led her to my blog and blablabla.. and turns out, i have a way with words :D and i sort of like that take..



ahh, next week shall be a very eventful one. craaazy obligations. im inclined, and it's impossible to just shake it off, with no better reason. im a good kid la kay :)

"it's a roller coaster kinda rush and i never knew i could feel that much"

fifteen years; fifteen butterflies :)

today,
was so much more of an eventful day than yesterday. it should have taken a swap :)

after the long update about yesterday, im left with nothing much to say, but i know i have loads more to relate about the outing today. an official school outing which we were all VERY reluctant to, but turned out, pretty awesome :)

well, what wouldnt be awesome, when lame people get together?
we're too lame to be true :D

and again, photo's on facebook (:
tag, grab, whatever you want to do with it :p


i think im officially going crazy..
i'm gonna show someone something which i shouldnt.
but who cares :p

"and when you're fifteen, feeling like there's nothing to figure out"

dated: 21st of ten of '09

im pretty tired of birthday get-togethers, when things are all nicely arranged and planned for, for a birthday party-ish sort of event. and so, i'd decided to spend my fiftenth year's birthday on a simple outing with the people i like :)

but very obviously, (judging by my previous posts) schedules failed me, and early arrangements are plainly proven now that they jinx things more. and i thought i'd spend it like any other day.

but first, the BOOM came, and then the BAM, and the WHAM! :D whoosh! killed the sappiness and im drenched with blissful thoughts. not really an eventful birthday, but certainly the best in ages :)

thanks everyone who celebrated for me :) and tried to make my day. i really, really love all of you :D


and i'd never actually, ever ever in the past, gotten a gift basket sent through a delivery service before! oh boy, was i thrilled! :D

it was really exciting to see your class teacher entering the gallery with a gift basket on your birthday, whether or not it was for me, i had a great time picturing that it was. and much, much to my delight, i heard many 'sweet maes' as the basket was passed down to my eagerly waiting hands and almost bulging eyes.

my heart beat a zillion times in that second, having fears that it might fall out any moment. i was stunned, stoked and whatever more adjectives to describe the amazement. oh somehow, people were examining the basket before the recipient. and i got more impatient waiting for it to come.

while that, my mind was running like an 80-episode drama. messed up, whirled and confused. dont tell me it's my mum! yeah, i thought exactly that! and then, i realised that it cant be, and i thought of a certain person B, and i got more excited!

as soon as it reached me, i snatched the card off, reading its content, but at the same time, overwhelmed with disappointment when i see that it's anonymously signed. and noticed the handwritting. it was a certain person C.

i almost cried :)
i didnt know what to think for a moment or two. staring straight in front at crowds of people who are paying the slightest attention to my state of shock and behind to the bunch of people crazily asking who it was. looked up and down, left and right. and yes, i wasnt dreaming :p

my mum still thinks its from a boy :) hahaha.. mums are mums for a reason :p

pictures in facebook :D

"cause when you're fifteen, somebody tells you he loves you, you've gotta believe them"

but im fifteen in a day's time..

feeling insecure i searched around,
a familiar warble; some tuneful sound,
the sky had since toppled over the ground,
somehow, i dont see that light i found.

i should be happy but i dont feel so,
it was the blaze that had mutated to a glow,
so much for time creeping in slow,
it's one birthday that i'd rather not told.

giving more reasons to elude that fact,
those words that induced such an impact,
i can no longer force a smile out of this act,
it's distressing; it's totally wrecked.

and for a tear to wipe it clear,
the torments of hope had once appeared,
i cant judge if they're entirely sincere,
for it's insincerity that i largely fear.

it's the wall between us that you had clashed,
but it's something i'd never slashed,
i might have overreacted in a way,
but who wouldnt, it's actually a big day..


im speechless, because simply, im so lost for words. and for once in life, it had dragged on for days. being speechless isnt nice, you dont know what to feel, you dont know what to say. and every other obligations you're inclined to, seem to fade off as you stare in the air, wondering what's up..

i dont like feeling this way.. and especially, when my birthday's tomorrow. is it just me, or is it just her, or is it because of everything else, that im so empty at the thought of celebrating tomorrow..

maybe i should just shut up and move on..
but i know i just cant..

"i still feel the sting of my tears; someone wake me, i cant seem to break free"

cause im turning 15; i dont know what to feel

i was pretty excited about turning 15; now, i dont know anymore..

i fear time.. it brings facts that i wish i could lam out of eternally. sometimes, it might feel good to have a romeo by your side (even if you're certain that he's not your romeo). but at the other times, romeo freak you out, for trying to be romeo.

and i know it, you're just not him.
i know you tried, but again, a little give and take is not fate.


anyway,

i was typing something relatively sentimental here as yesterday's post. something about how people change and so what if we'd spend years together. we're always happy as the closest of friends and lamest of people. 'so what' has become a big word, too big that my mind refuses to take it into interpretations, because you'd decided to change..

i hope it's just me being over-sensitive as usual, but i guess it's not when the world feels it too..
i cant help but to notice the wall between us. it's emerging as a whole barrier in speech and resistance in action. i dont even think i dare to look at you in the eye.

im afraid i dont see the identical sincerity. im afraid of the cold feeling at your presence. im just afraid of you leaving us.

i'd rather the holidays would drag on..


and for another..

this was the reason why yesterday's post didnt appear in my blog and will only be posted as i hit the publish post button. im utterly disappointed, was and still rather am. my mum thinks im over-reacting, my mum thinks im ultra sensitive, but i think im just acting like how a normal kid would.

supposedly, *insert your ideal idol* was going to celebrate your happy fifteenth birthday with you, and ffk-ed 3 days before the day. how would you feel?

*
*

*
*
*

that's how i felt...

even till now.. there's something there that would still make me wanna cry..
i cant get over it.

"count to ten, take it in, this is life before you know who you're supposed to be"

wisdom wins; beauty only picks the trail..

it's not entirely reprehensible that the teevee at home is always conquered by my grandmother and im always stuck watching tvb dramas and getting all snooped and whoo-ed up in the mind for the speed of language. chinese isnt exactly my best, not to mention hong kong chinese.

there is a fine bit of difference i presume, between the malaysian chinese and the hong kong chinese. i dont seem to comprehend as much as i can take my grandma's rants :p

anyway, that isnt where i intended to lead to. not precisely.

say about 10 minutes ago, before all the exhilaration and bangs, before the shock with the trailing laughter and before the debate of whether to text or to remain silent, i was watching the beauty pageant on astro. some inevitable chinese crap but now, rather exciting.

i wouldnt customarily agree to chinese tvb dramas. it's just a certain sort of way to be rebellious towards teevee domination. it's like im dunned to incline to a bunch of people portraying forced routines.

well, i dont have a choice and so i watch.

but it'd taught me a lesson today. wisdom is way influential than beauty, even in the event of a beauty pageant. the one with a quicker twist in mind outbeats the one with, clearly, more convincing physical beauty.


she won. and with such coincidence, her name is Belle.
im serious :)

"he's got a one hand feel on the steering wheel, the other on my heart"

Happy Birthday :D

you know, i understand that light travels in a really fast speed. i mean, 'really fast' creeps slower than the speed of light. there's no other better (or faster) word. but what's streaming my mind now, is that, why did time attach itself to the speed of light?

there wasnt any denotative events today, that's arranged to evoke those memories, as consciously as it deluges my mind just this moment. i thank Julaine for bringing up the mood in me. the right mood which i dredged for 2 days ago, when i wanted to post the birthday wishes and hence, the failure.

she asked me, "how do you insert music in a slide show" and i taught her, readily. it was a simple question, but it led me back in time in memories. i closed my eyes, reminisced and debated whether to blog or not.. and im here :)

it was, for a simple slide show that had brought me this close to you :) those days when i used to teach you how to edit a movie, to fit in sound clips and to neutralize background furor. and when we got monstrously lame, laughing over silly things ourselves, when we stayed back at the pavilion. that's really a scrap of Fun Time of the Year :D

it's cool ya know :D i still remember. MCI, and your personal elucidation, mental cacat issue :p

and then, you won. and you couldnt scan your picture in time. haha :D i had to explain through the phone, sightlessly, for i didnt even know then, how your computer works. this came before the slide actually.. i got really stoked, frankly, for that atomic bit of effort i had given.


and somehow, all those, plus a bit of fate, leads to today. and i sit here now, typing them out with the broadest beam on my face :) im one proud and lucky kid :D


it's a bit of a killer sometimes to judge what your reactions would be. it's herculean. really, it's like a little guessing game. things arent plainly outlined, but ostensible enough for me to infer. personally, i would make a bad scientist. my words stumble, but they arent obvious..


and simply, happy birthday :)

"you showed me something that I couldn't see; you opened my eyes and you made me believe"

frozen from the tip of my toe..

such a paradox! :(
i dont feel as contented as i was yesterday, if taken comparisons to today. well, i shouldnt, by right, since today is just another pointless school day. nothing big, nothing extraordinary, nothing eventful.. just a thursday.

i wish i could feel as hyp-ed as i was yesterday, but somehow, i guess i'd reached level infinite in the height of yesterday's energy. i was so filled, but now, im just void.

even the very first of the morning killed the usual excitement of the day. time is such a painful zapper. one strike and im down. im weak, i know. but conclusionally, i reached school at 7.07 am. i was considerably late, because usually, i come early to carry bags. yes, some bags :)

and it killed the beginning of the day..

my day got further murdered in a horrible way, somehow, when the juniors decided to rush into class before the bell actually rang. and i just loathe them for that D: no way of expressing my rage literally, and in a certain way, it's like i was late. but it's not me! U.G.H! D:



somehow, we were talking about how people change today. i wouldnt call it gossiping actually, it wasnt entirely mean and bad like how gossips are known to be. i think this sorta 'murdered' my day too.

i mean, it's not thaaaaat bad to discuss about that matter but, it makes me emo. and that just tugged my mood to aught. i dont like seeing people change, for when everytime someone does, the distance lengthens from near to far. and i dont like figuring out why they change. it just sets in..


it's not utterly a harmful day (yes, harmful because some days are sometimes harmful) but it just got me down la kay.

"im not a princess, this aint a fairytale; im not the one you sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell"

Theme: Mathematical Error

how i wish i could travel back in time.. yesterday was just so contenting :D
i'll tell you why, it was the day! the birthday surprise! :)
and here it goes..

13th of october
it was one chaotic day, of excessively stuffed tummies and whacked laughter. we were virtually crazy, and i assure you. i scare myself with laughter. sometimes, i feel like my tummy could explode for the exceeding amount of laughing gas. what oxide again? :p

then, we headed home, after almost bringing down a mall. a pyramid, to be precise :D

when everyone is gone, work piled. the typical birthday surprise routine. cutting and pasting and more cutting, plus more pasting. whatever it is, i yanked through everything - the record is done.

and then, i panicked, knowing that there's something planned for tomorrow. finally calmed down, and decided to stick on to plans and just go with the flow. then, got in a fight with my dad for some nonsense about the next day that i couldnt take, a horribly huge fight and cried terribly. funny, but i cried..

14th of October
it was 2am and i still could not sleep. i felt butterflies popping up one by one in my tummy. first it was streamed with laughing gas, then, it got heaped with butterflies. and i woke almost everyone up, coughing.

somehow, i slept, after dosing myself with cough medicine some when in the middle of the night, and woke up at 5am. that was exactly when i tweeted, and vowed to rock :D

got things prepared and done with. hit school and briefed my sayang, sayang friends on what's going to happen :D and they carried out phase one of the plan: the faking, the drama, the trick to get her upstairs :) and she fell for it immediately! mission accomplish xD

very unfortunately, there was a huge gap in between the periods and i endured through it, extremely forcefully. i almost died of nerve wrecks! D:

and the rest, just went passed too quickly and vaguely for me to record in memories. all i could educe now from faint memory is that, we sang, ate, chatted and got crazy :D

apologies, pictures on facebook!

im so glad that it went well and everything! after a total 3 weeks of stressing, plans didnt fail me after all! it wasnt easy to keep my BIG mouth shut, ya know ;)

"i was trying to fly but i couldnt find wings, you came along and changed everything"

6 down and one more left...

what a lovable day to raze 3 relatively amusing papers. history and math, my personal favorite! doesnt require much of the magnitude of brain manipulation but just as equal to that, analytic application. which i seem to relinquish to.. hmmm.

and parallel to that of such a carefree day, it's worth stamping in memory of a happy, happy interval. excessively stuffed with A&W, over-fed with laughter and a wicked consumption of ice-cream :) im losing my voice, officially..

i just cant believe that i went through 'just now', just now. get me? im quitting contradictions for once, and sticking on to using the same words. but i guess i should resume the typical paradox la.. since it's easier to comprehend. save the trouble for switching channels for my sake :D

finally, it's officially 6 down and one more left. KH. what we rave, love and hate the most, among and above everything else. conclusionally, we dont learn anything out of it, except for getting an A. an extra pretty, pretty on your slips perhaps? :D

well well, just cant wait anymore. for tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow ;D yeah, ya know what's up :) and tell me ah people, if you're not coming! (:

"he tells me about his night, i count the colours in his eyes"

hey you, mr.Tee..

Loving me frames your greatest sin,
So dont kill the perfect way life has been,
Take another 'her' away in the other chance,
And dont even turn for a second glance.

You love me, i read your eyes,
The way it resembles the tears you cried,
But it's some rubbish i cant deny,
Your past was scratched with lies.

You changed a whole lot for you saw certainty,
The exact way i wanted everything to be,
But time flew and i just couldnt see,
That 'forever' of just you and me.

It feels good to be noticed around you,
Like flowers popping out of the blue,
But when i fell and you pulled me through,
I thanked god that i had you.

Though time filled in slow,
I wish i could love you for the love you showed,
You'd never actually asked me if i do,
But doubtlessly, i know it's true..


Love is one thing that i find hard to slur over. Someone loves you but the feeling doesnt connect, like how it's suppose to be. romeo and juliet in reality isnt just the same. a little give and take is not fate :)

im sorry...
you may be romeo but im not your juliet...

"music starts playing like the end of a sad movie; it's the kinda ending you dont really wanna see"

pmr: it's day 3

im having tea. at 11 in the morning, how insane :)
but hey, the geography paper this morning has totally enervated the intelligence magnitude, not to mention the vigor and the contentment. i feel the hunger, and now, im utterly famished. but it's only 11am :( awww..

it wasnt that bad, really :D


does anyone know if camomile tea makes you burp? i burped five times, consecutively, after im done with a cup of it :D thank you for the tea! yeah, you know who la :p

and i shall have the rest of the day for more contrition for the dinned sort of procrastination. it repeats over and over, so much that im numb to guilt :D the best approach to lam outta stuff :)

oh yes! i forgot.. the record is officially done :D from patching up the edges, to completing the text, and even scribble some art work myself.. not entirely professional but good enough for my competency :) she'll love it already!


my tummy's too empty for more typing. i need to regain energy :)
bye, goodluck peeps!

"i wanna be where.. you're here, you're eyes are looking into mine"

it's less than 2 days before 'the day'

whoa.
it's been long since i lay my sight here, in this typing space, which allows you to over-manipulate your vocabulary and rant incessantly. i love it here.

just that, somehow, it's pmr in about a day's time. and to come online would increase the culpability measured in me. but hey, i always tend to give in to that internet-cracy lure :D im in love with it? perhaps :) and blogging would just prove it even more.

so why am i here?
i dont know :D i always dont, anyway..

no school tomorrow, but i wish there was :( time is gushing by, and before i'd even began to cherish moments of joy, it's over. next year will not be just about the identical year anymore. no more walking you down, no more carrying bags, no more stupid reasons to talk to you.. sigh.

i'll miss this year, before it even ends :(
yeah, i left someone a surprise on the table for tomorrow, even if im not in school :D i hope it's impulsive enough :)

anyway,
best of luck, you form 3 kids out there, who's facing the day really really soon :) laugh together; cry together.. exam also die together la :p *touchwood* things will turn out well for us, have faith.. and we hold on :)

"people are people and sometimes we change our minds"