reconnection

i miss you, blogspot :)

yes yes, i know i havent been here for VERY long.. and judging by telekom (or streamyx)'s inefficiency, i wont be up here any sooner either.. and i just despise technologies for its application is rebellious.

i can survive with slow connection all right!

but i cant survive without blogging for, now, almost a month.. i thought i could, and well i did, during the thoughest time of all, when i didnt even have a telephone line. i wrote on sheets of papers. very scientifically outdated, but still, improvised :D

i miss you alot. it's very much of a routine for me to go all excited over meeting you everyday, as though every other day is a new beginning for me to put you up high in mind, framing your every word as a life quote and every piece of advice a guiding inspiration.

but i have another month to resume that routine.. but im so afraid of what the year has to sketch :( tell me how.

because you make me believe in myself when nobody else can tell..

im back for a while :D

i feel so invisible now. it felt as thought my blog has become foreign to me, very very strangely, the urge of blogging did not kill me, for almost 2 whole weeks.
and yes, forgive me, i havent been blogging at all.

accomplishment for me, sad news for readers and condolences to my dear darling blog :)

so a lot has been happening, from the horrible moving experience to after PMR stoning to school hassle to internet stealing from simply everywhere (just like now) :D

gotta get on working now..
till the telekon technician comes then..

:D

Im finding me out, Im losing my doubts..

memories, never history..

self taken pictures arent cool, they're just an amusement of being syok sendiri..
but when you look back, they're memories.

i had launched blogspot many, many times today, but the outcome of it, all very similar, i have nothing better to blog about. until, "Graduation" had decided to seep into my mind, now thoroughly deluged with pictures of us.

of all the rants and complaints which i'd once typed out here, published for the world to read, about the coldness portrayed by a certain individual, i think it's just me now. no, it IS me now, im certain.

she clashed the walls, but i build them back again. im creating the chills.

it's not within the control of my feeble mind, but i dont feel like me, when im with you, which i always do the most at your presence. it's quaint that all these are happening.. i hate to admit the expanding distance between us. but it's true..

im someone who would smile over memories that belong to yesterday.. simply because the future is too vague for further inference. i cry dry tears..

but i dont want the future to be that way. i want to smile for the sheer present, not the past bliss. i dont want the wishes of the present to be next years apologies. i want things like how it has always been.. warm and happy, and crazy just the way we were.

im so sick of the low temperature..

"sometimes we dont say a thing, just listen to the crickets sing.."

an emo smilemaker..

it's 8.42 in the morning of an idle Sunday. im up and typing as swiftly as ever, if it wasnt for the distraction of the blinking blue tab beneath the web browser. my msn chatbox, and now, make that two.

i feel like blogging, for no specific cases.


oh yes, im officially a self-declared, dark emo.
i just have this love for being emo, but so much for a smilemaker, it contradicts really badly. and for being the smile-mades, me transforming to an emo is like a huge demur. and why the trouble of all the fuss, i am an emo by nature :p

oh well, just let me be la. sometimes, judging what's wrong and what's right is just not right. and for everything to have a conclusion, having to infer the precise consequence of simply everything, just shows how inapt actions have been.

and again, it hurts to see the fool in myself. the best way is to lam out of everything :) including the fearful thoughts in mind :D

i might have given a hundred percent but it's always an aught return..

"and if you ask me if i love him, i'd lie..."

i smile for the deepest scar..

i fell in love in with mere shadows,
the beauty of its whispers linger in my soul,
a simple perfection outlines the whole,
my senses twirled and i lost control.

the way its strain harmonizes the ideal sketch,
the way its smile resembles a perfect match,
an intertwining fondness got me attached,
leaving a sequel, a flawless scratch.

but the shadow retained a certain originality,
an impossible pursuit in bare reality,
for the grace possessed exceeds normality,
sweeping off the slightest concerns of morality.

oh shadow, my dear darling,
through shades of grey dimly sparkling,
of all fantasies i wish you'd bring,
i'm still me, never your 'everything'.


an anonymous shadow just got into me, and swiftly struck rationality off my mind, as though it repeats daily. i relinquish in the depths of emotional quotes.. oh gosh..

a smile is the deepest scar of happiness..
i put on a smile, but deep inside, im drying up of tears.

"long ago and so far away, i fell in love before the second show.."

no one's here..

yesterday was so crammed with contentment, i'd never dont anything similar in life before, and i quite like it, actually. very obviously, someone's very very pleased :D

i wish i could see those expression again, they're just too priceless to have happened :p

i have nothing much to say about yesterday.. the videos show them all, but somehow, my video isnt listed on my channel but it still exists.. very strange.

http://www.youtube.com/thepegasustale and the unlisted one is below, in the previous post :D


today, seems very much like a contradiction. i dont feel as contented, i feel lazy, i feel the guilt seeping in. i wonder why..

perhaps im gonna be mumless for the next three days. perhaps im gonna be ah yi-less for the next 4 days, or perhaps it's just that the usual school hyp just isnt here. i dont know..

i feel that emo feeling. the exact sense i fear the most. im afraid that im feeling it, for im afraid that im feeling it for it. oh gosh..

"in the leaves on the tree and the touch of the breeze.."

it's not a dream :D

the wind beneath my wings; but it's got blown off..

i feel entirely strange all over again. the way im feeling so down over something that isnt at all important; the way my mind gets swirled up real terribly for the chills in your moves; the way that you mean this much to me. i dont know why, i cant even help it..

and i dont like the way it affects a brilliant day, just sapping my mood away in a blink of a cold stare. it kills..

im thinking back of those adjectives i'd used on you. they seem so big now, resembling the amount of admiration i had for you. i still do, but as you freeze up each reaction, the distance parts wider.

i cant believe the amount of conflict that pops up between us, just like flowers popping out of the blue. very randomly, and out of most of them were evoked from nothing but my pure over-sensitivity.

i know it's me, but this time.. it's a long time already, since you got so cold, and im beginning to fear what time would sketch, im silly but im so scared.

very, very frankly, i feel extremely foolish for telling you that, but i will not regret. i'd said what i wanted to, and hoping hard that it wouldnt creep you out.

"did you ever know that you're my hero"

cold as you; i know

i realized.. i dont blog as frequently as i used to. it was considerably a custom routine of a day, but now, indolence had taken over my mind. so much that typing a couple of words seemed like an ordeal. gosh sm..

i sense a similar situation, a certain condition which i had once lingered on, and i didnt like it at all. but somehow, im back here.

i remembered how much you wanted me to change for the better, i did. and even worked really really hard doing things which i never would take a liking in doing. i gave random targets a shot, simply because you verbalized your hopes in me, and i want to please you..

but then, as im striving hard on it. you'd decided to walk away.
i wonder why...

things are strange. i used to blog really long post with extra big vocabulary just to meddle up the minds of my readers. but in this, i'd decided to keep it simple.

i'd lost the mood of doing so, for there isnt anyone to please now.
do come back..

"that's why im gonna be on the next plane home.."