and life IS vague, trust me..

and so we journey to the depths of the truth. every unintentional lie dissolving in the mist and every agonizing truth emerging from the clear blue sky. sometimes, even the priceless blue of the skies can be rather fearful. and in this case, it is.

it's been raining all morning. from the break of the sun into the eyes, until the very moment of when it journeyed to the top, blazing right above our heads. time sped by, without an ostensible trail, merely covered by the drops of the rain.

it's so insignificant - the tracks of ticks. and as parallel as reality, we do neglect every second of each step. gahhh..

holidays are about to draw to an end; the pile of procrastination seem to have grown very much thicker. its energetic supply of eternal vigor moving about in my head is well, forever. and forever is not over, i wish boys like girls were for real..


right. i know, i should switch the channel. the above might be too vague of a narration to be fully understood. but well, it's good enough that the outline of the figure is sketched clear enough to be sighted. no?

fine. im going off now.
for a change, it's gonna be a short post.
and if you havent been catching up with the time line of my blog,
go back and read..

here's your chance :D

"when i fall in love, it would be forever"

nerd by name :p

"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot."

-Charlie Chaplin-

i presume i draw a pretty deluding shield for a flawless cover. im pretty much contented, but again, the guilt would strain in and i would relinquish those rubbish which i personally quote, 'principles', and at the minimal of expectations, to fulfill life's never ending tasks.

i really revel in those moments when i would silently sneer when a certain adult forms an opinion that im a good kid :D it's like being the biggest crook, but with a couple of reputable score sheets and genteel habits, even the largest crook lam out of the crime ;)

it's good ya know.
and like i'd always say, im too terrible of an example as a student. i suck as one.

it struck me the other day, so unexpectedly, that i didnt even noticed until the resonance of the syllables fainted off. my mind somehow went away without me again. and sometimes i wonder, if they'd notice when im so empty inside, being so stolid that it could almost resemble the winding lines in my brains. ahhh.. i dont care.

i play it cool :D
i like my blank expression, it depicts my abstruse thinking.
i like my monotonous speeches, it verbalizes depth.

doesnt this teach us all a lesson now?
people do judge a book by its cover. pretty plain eh?
and uh-oh if a teacher is reading this, she would know how to lay her hands on me very soon :D
well well, SM is still a goodie by sight ;)



and the most that i cant believe is that, ive changed so awfully much from the innocent, cubby kid i used to be. it might be the right corner to take the turn, but still, the sheer believe is gone.

life is not a fairytale anymore, and home is no longer the castle. reality struck, and somehow, life mutated into such a novel setting. a novel, distressing setting. and there's no escape.
fine, i shall stop complaining.



and i'm still stuck there. i cant seem to recover from the fact that i did pull up such a fluorishing disguise :D
oh sorry, i am a good kid :p

"no need to talk it out; we know what it's all about"

introducing: my rock sister :D

never have i actually directly, plainly dedicated a post to anyone. but well, i must say, there's always a first to everything :D

here you go (:




it's edited, plain enough to provide some sight amusement yet, i dont have much confidence in my photo editing skills. im still an amateur by name ;)

ahhh.. photos normally do the narrative part of my blog. after all, they are meant to bring these sort of implications to save work. but well, it's trishy and so, i'll do it myself :D


well, that little kiddo :p
makes me smile when i sulk,
turns me right when im wrong,
gets me positive when im not,
keeps me strong when im on the edge of hell.

i just want you to know, i really do cherish this bond between us. though i still find it odd that i'd only got so close to you in relations when you're so far apart in distance. quaint, but again, i like :D

i know i can get pretty annoying at times, when i would go on and on about my stories and my never ending anxiety. it's not easy comforting me all the time, it's even tougher to tolerate my dinned tales and still sounding super enthusiastic about it :D

it's fantastic to have a friend, or better, a rock sister ;p who never gets bored of my yarns. i might get too excited about my own things at times that i neglect your updates. sorrey.

it's great to spend so much time chatting together, and doing stupid stuff: knifey, etc :D
it's never better to know that i have such an awesome friend, always there to listen to rants and when i would get over excited over things which only i would find amusing.

i always try to make you happier like how you always try cheering me up when im down, which is almost like a daily routine. i dont know if i function that well as a smilemaker, but at least, i hope i did brighten your day, at the minimal of it, with this :D

you rock as a great friend, trishy, or rather my rock sister.
and yes, you rock even more than i do :D

"the cream of friendship"

i perceived faith's intention now :D

Being happy doesnt mean that everything is perfect; it means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections..

despite the perpetual chaos in my mind, and the vagueness of my bare sight sans fundamental sight essentials, im analytically stone blind. for i infer to quickly and hence, generating the wrong impression.

therefore, the wrong admiration. i adore someone for my wrong judgment.
how extra naive can i get?


holidays had certainly sparked a sense of belonging in life, in the days in time. a certain sentimental feeling that i couldnt whip. i tried drubbing it, but it's forceful trait prevailed over my devoid mind. and again, thoughts streamed in the way it shouldnt.



i'd always thought B was very much identical to C.
i'd lay out a countably 8 months for, what i thought, blarneys and intentional attention nabbers to snatch your attention. and out of the blue, it's like god's light shined. the whole idea was doped out in the second wink.

and through very obvious inference, without the second ponder, i thought i hit realization: i'd wasted 8 whole months. nevertheless, life proceeds.

until suddenly, i realise that you actually did redesigned the path of my life, for who you truly are, not for who i thought you were.

it's pretty plain to generally everyone, how much a syllable from you could define the point of magnitude, twisting emotion flows greatly (it's written once, sometime ago: here), and in fact, too greatly that it's almost fearful. i still, occasionally, wonder how this not-so-precisely-construed theory works on me. hmm.. queer but i like it (: it's like real-life-energy-booster :D

now that the mist had bunked, the flawless skies seem to have drawn very much closer, i realised, it was you who brushed off the mist. and that the one whom i thought did was in fact the one who initially caused confusion.




i had consciously waited for your presence for two days just to tell you this new perception which i saw and had caught on. and i guess i should wait some more :D after all, the patience discovered in creeping time, is the intentionally occulted way to brighten more sunken thoughts and reap more positivity in life. and especially for someone like me.


i might judge too much following my heart's desires, but still, there are reality checks which i could never elude. life is an everyday drama, but mental conquerance only come in significant instances.

when you fight life, life always wins.
i believe in faith; i trust destiny :D

"soaring, tumbling, freewheeling, through an endless diamond sky"

this is pointless

just everytime i launch the blogger editor, something whacked would crack up in my mind and hence, the daily nonsense or whatever else you would like to term it as. i dont mind. but well, yesterday was too exceedingly heaped with pointless work and too much of a workaday for a holiday. hmmm...

i'd completed 10 maths scripts in 8 hours.
perhaps im slow, but 10 sets in 8 hours is one hell of record for me.
and mind you, im still in that half-blurr holiday mood ya know :p



holidays had been absorbing the senses in my brain. and before this, senses are the least sufficing thing in life. now that half of them diffused out of my ears, i think the initially down-low IQ has dropped a whole mile underground. very well to explain the horrible results of my IQ test.

i told ya i suck :p


and other than total drowning of senses, life is moving on so parallel to the basis of holidays that i think i see mosses on myself. eeks yes, i'm rotting at home!

anyone? save me? :D


it's thursday today. i relinquish the debate of the celerity of time. it strikes with horrible fear and the most of it, it spooks me. often ranting about time works and blabla esoterically, i was never conscious about the ticks of reality.

there's something in the warble of the mojo in reality that sets me dazed. just something that's never to define. somehow, it sets its charm on me. i defy every logical construation for it. and trust me, i actually do.

and im totally conscious of it.

naaah, it's nothing concerning doom. it's very much of a custom routine already, i dream. let's just accept the fact that im lacking logical neutrons in my brains. i work instinctively :D


and where are you la?

"and when ashes would fall like snow..."

mixed up emotions

well well, going online has inched up a whole notch. and i cant deny this, the globalisation era has made everyone inane, even adults who think kids shouldnt get online too much, for they're seen online too now!

it's good ya know, that people are catching up with the technological mandatory to survive in the 21st century :D


somehow, i'd notice the contradicting rear sides i possess. it's quaint that i should feel so euphorically contented on the simple side of emotions, and yet, i could be so edgy on the deeper loop of senses. and that's because i feel filled with bliss but half diffused with dithery pricks. ugh!

but whatever it is, im good :D
because im neglecting again..

if you're a constant last-minute-exam nerd like me, you'd comprehend my current thoughts. because i think im letting holidays run loose in my mind. so much that i think i'd lost track of time that pmr is soon.

i wouldnt term it short, neither would i quote it long. it's too long to be short and too short to be long. that's when it prances on my nerves and makes me sick.



enough of exam anxiety talks. i dont need anyone to kill me for this. i know im reminding you guys about the horror ahead. but let's face it, reality always kills.

"dartboard in process"

im happy again! :D

despite yesterday's doleful post, i feel more like myself today. at least, i'm smiling like how it always blooms from the core of my heart. yes, ostensible but still, i find it rather twisted on the edge.. ugh

another new chapter to add into life, perhaps i should restructure that, another new chapter added to life. SM's first theory exam (and yes, i know it's only grade three) but still, it's my third year. not that slow for a newbie eh? :p

oh boy am i glad im an assuntarian.
education is brilliant,
educators are awesome,
and the kids are since over-pleased that we'd slurred pass coolness :D

alright, fine.
im one proud assuntarian la.

it's odd that i should be reminising about school just on the commencement of the holidays. but well well, a generally negligible matter, but somewhat significant to me, had nabbed my thoughts. i think deep by the way, and i always do (:

and im proud of that too,
for someone who hangs by the identical age cue, i think, i think pretty much :D



it feels brilliant to be filled with enthusiasm at 12 in the morning and it's as though it's 12 at noon (: which is why im packedly heaped with much vivacity now. psssst: it's 12.07! not very late, but for SM who rarely says hi to midnight, her eyes are dropping close.. eeks!

"across this new divide"

my trailless path..

again, im up here, on the blogspot page, mindful of apparent crap and clanging emotions of never-more-empty. life has elevated to an entirely novel phase, with us falsifying faint commotions of conviviality, but rather, unyieldingly compressed with oppressivity on the rear.

rather dinnedly, history had been acted out twice, or perhaps more. i'd rather scrub of the stains of the past, even if i callously have to. the present is too identical, the future has gone exceedingly vague. the next moments seem ages away, and im stuck in this particular one.



fourteen years and more, had gone just like that. yes, like that, with no ostensible significance. a nerd but a terrible student, a smilemaker but a deep thinker, a blurr kid but sometimes philosophically sage and whatever other superfluous elements added.

i think im one hell of a faker.
it's true.
i smile too much that sometime, i think im immuned.



it's not that i deliberately neglect at times. the truth is, im so mentally wedged, and with these extra trouble here which im so unfortunately born with, i just cant help but to elude all these. and hence, i couldnt be bothered. if you cant comprehend, then dont.

what more could i demand?
i just need some warmth and whatever more that would generate more of it..

and you'd just have to defeat me wordless every other time with a simple, 'sorry, im busy'.



***

the spinning fan killed the silence, the blasting music murdered serenity..
sometimes, the lucentivity of the skies, revealing the premium of blue splashed across the skyline, makes me wonder how simple life could be.. and how blissful each moment could be, if only it is valued.

the globe revolves, things mutate and people change.
one moment you love, and the next you might abominate and condemn badly.

but didnt you relish in that one moment of love?

think, think..
there's a lot out there that you've passed trailless.
turn back, leave a trail there and your heart at the same time.
and move on..

"this innocence is brilliant"

mentally feeble; slap me...

the vigor to move on have somehow diminished. and now, i'm fat with a repelling chemical blend of excitement and misery. what a wrong time for the happy happy holidays, when life is so very sulky.

rarely have i felt so staved off of holidays, despite the fact that i still loathe staying at home. well, i still do now. and for the same reason, i abominate this even more, really. it's not simply for the drainage of fun and amusement, it's like home-curfew. a battlefield might be too mild of an adjective to illustrate the setting. narrative enough?


im beginning to feel like an odd kid again. oh gosh..


having to indite life's detailed chronicles for the past 14 or more years all by myself, it's tough and especially when you're living a shell like mine. it was an intricate route altogether, to pick up the life of a torturous soul, time has always allowed tribulation, woes and whatever more anguish to saturate life with bitterness..

it's like emotions could only distinguish depression and senses could only recognize frustration. Colours fades from rainbow hues to fading grey. the world gets way larger and all of a sudden, you feel extremely trivial in crowds and crowds of people.. even falling out of love isnt that bad :p



the whining hour of everyday keeps relighting the ever glowing mental note: cheer up. i feel bad, for neglecting my senses at most of daylight and almost entirely of when night shades over. it's my strongest weakness, mentally feeble.. i'd noticed.

shoot me, i'm dead by the next tick..


im not surprised if the next moment which i'd come to know of is morning, and this post isnt posted up yet, because my eyelids might shut any moment. i'm sleep-typing! how cool.. :D

"i'm just a kid, i know that it's not fair"

revival phase two

i sense a large division between a certain facial organ on mine. not scientific cell-division but division of it's parting.. at least, i speculate that's what it is.. and it possesses the competency to ignore my demands for it to simply shut.

that construes why i was being an idiot, smiling pointlessly :D

and by the way, if profound had made its way back to me, i had actually meant i cant stop smiling. the gap between my upper lips and lowers lips refuses to smack shut.
well, that was then. during the deadly kh paper, not now.

today, for the revelry again. the official SM-self-declared end of trials. again, i am not giving a second damn on academics now, nope. not even if pmr is about a month or two to come (:

how i wish i could be as kiasu as before.. perhaps stress has got me immune!


it seems to me that the scent of midnight, now, doesnt seem to thrill much of my sensory cells, bringing back dull, dreary thoughts of history facts and geog maps and sewing, etc. trials had sapped a whole part of my life - a whole part of my 14-year-old life.

mind you, im still 14. not a legal age for pmr eh? how i wish.. :p



oh guess what, grandma is being an 'opera singer', again.
if you think it's just me being sucked to it..
it's not.
live a minute of my life, and you'd wish you'd never existed.
and trust me..


somehow, excitement faded into disappointment and bliss shifted place with wretchedness. the revelry, too, quit to fuse with anguish. and SM here, is marooned and terribly miserable.

all i had was faith and to place a whole bunch of it into a certain purpose is not easy. especially for someone with extra divergence in attention - such as me.

but in fact, im proud to have had such strong faith that it'll work this time.
but then, maybe faith jinxed destiny,
and that's when everything took a 360 rotation.. - the plan failed. i blame myself, for being too excited for it.

but i cant stop my prancing emotions, and those leaping heartbeats :D



i should pick up a little more cheer in life for i sulk too much, internally, but i guess the cover of SM shields it all. i dont radiate misery. at the minimal of it, not when i can help it.

it feels portentous to paint smiles, even when you feel worse than hell. at least the scientific discoveries would be of practice to enhance smile radiating or perhaps convection(?) or conduction(?) i dont know. but see, i learned (:



i notice the lost of flowers in my blog post.
then again, i guess it's the best for easy, comprehensible blog post?
perhaps..

"i have a full agenda" - and that's how i was defeated wordless..

revival phase one

hmm.. frozen strawberry sundae isnt that much of a punk.
let alone the fact that it's solid..
and it's hard to scoop,
and to smash it with your gums,
it's pretty much of the typical indulgence (:

im not permitted online, and so i restricted myself, threw my "online pass" away somewhere in some corner.. but still, im here :D SM is simply awesome!

okay trishy, i'm going offline soon.. big sister! :p



and again, it always happens when im in midst of some major exam, dividing live and death. and then, im briskly strucked. the energy seeped into my organs and diffused through cells, encircled the whole body system.. radiating negativity and nothing more..

and i call myself a smilemaker ;)
i can seem to smile-make myself.. somehow. i need someone else to :p


lacing the end of the knot which i'd just made, i think.. yes i think, i screwed english again..

perhaps it's faith.. perhaps i dont possess one which has the "english" luck..
=/
how unfortunately "potong"..

and proudly declaring, it's 2 more days..
:D
until tranquility is all mine!

mwahahahah :D

another clickie :D

i shouldnt be hitting keys on my keyboard anymore..
what more, i shouldnt be staring into the screen instead of the text book..

but i have got to blog this..

click click
isnt this sweet?
hahahaha!
*refer to the captions*

riiight, and for another go,
im off!

"find your guiding inspirations, in a place where dreams are made"

midnight : my kingdom :D

midnight lifelessness has dimmed drearily as the night gets older. and now, it's about to fade into morning already.. still, it brighter than ever.

well, let me just say.. ive just got used to the redolence of midnight.
and oddly, it smells good :D
even if im flipping through tedious looking facts with my eyelids, possessing a life of its own.

i'm beginning to relish into the silence of when the night would dissolve into the dark morning sky, of when stars would fade into the light - as the line of when time would move on. the stray lights of miserable, radiant glow of the fluoresence in the hallway, charging a constant mental note that i rule night life - at home (:

i fancy the ticks of second clearly audible, results of the resonance in the never-more-empty living room. i feel all grown-up to stay up and even better, when no one shoos you off to bed :D

personally, i like adding hours into my 24-hour-ed day, which pokes no better cues in life.
now, although it's still 24 hours, there's more of it in a day!

i may now resume nerding, with more time to waste at self-pampered intervals (:
i'm too much of an only-child to be strongly faithed..

i love midnight!
especially with homemade green tea frap (:
starbucks: still the pro

though i shall have to drug myself with caffeine soon. *yawns*
then again, im caffeine-proof

uh-oh :0

"im on my own parade (:"

im scared.. i really am

as if i'd actually chipped in as much as i wished, and considered winning double its magnitude.
i've been so, very, super, extremely, immensely, utterly bothered, all through my absence here, in blogger.

i apologize once more, and to get over with, sorry (:

and i literally thought i could clash off mountains and skip over bumps along the way, without an inspiring source.
at least, i was highly sparked up then, to evoke such inane thoughts.
now, it seems vague, and even more, when the clouds set in.

ahh.. im getting metaphoric again.
and metaphorical thinking pulls me in, deep.

i think, experimentally, it has pulled me in, gravitationally deeper than what it is meant to. deeper in view, deeper inside.. and thus, forming a deeper SM..
isnt a chasm large enough? :p


trials are, since i'd last mention it here, in days already. the count of weeks stroked off the count of months, which would, in time, be stroked off by the count of hours. i'm afraid of it. im so utterly afraid..

having half the expectations from everyone, not only do i feel the stress, i taste the frustration. devastation has emerged as a new vizard of SM, depression consumed a considerably large part of faith.

nerding failed me again, for being too stressed because im not stressed up.
doesnt make much sense?

i cant help it.
i shall term it examination stroke.
for i'd lost ability of constructing figuratively cool sentences.

sorry SM, i've wasted days and weeks of life getting frustrated over exams.
and threw packs and packs of time away into the waste, for allowing time to seep in to reap enthusiastically sucked-up moments.

generally, i suck as a student.

"and now i've come so far, i dont want to let go"

im back but im gone again!

i cant believe the horror i see right before my eyes now..
my blog is terribly and utterly dead!

well, like i said, im turning off blogging mode..
and the results, not the slightest bit bearable.



today is such a shock-ful day..


i dont want to speak of it anymore.
people already know..
so why bother repeating, my version of the story wouldnt revolve anywhere further from the rest..
and why talk about it when it would bleach my jocose mood.
i should listen to ah yi ..


it was horrible accepting that fact.
but thank god, she's okay (:

and again,
im switching it off..

(:

feels like cinderella..

being cinderella doesnt always has its advantages. in my case, i sure do feel like cinderella right now, just running out of time. and mind all of you, it is in reality im currently in. in other words, i dont have a fairy god mother, to make life easier..

it always get harder, when i try to rotate things to a more beautiful angle of perception. and blame me for it; it's my fault that time only allows 24 hours a day..

i am declaring a switch-off for blog mode. i have infinite obligations to complete. and it's all due in a simple wink of an eye - sooner than i could imagine, and you can believe..

• procrastinated revision for trials in less than 2 weeks
• club softboard to beautify by this week
• english essay to be done by friday and im just blur!
  
• presentation to be prepared and presented by next monday
• theory exam in less than 3 weeks
• letter of approval to be drafted out by tomorrow
• whole lot of stuff to be sold by this week

just these, i could probably kill myself already..

all i wish for is an idea for all of us to simply nod and say yes with, im not trying to pick up a fight. that'll be the last damn thing i want.

could you guys just comprehend and get things done with top speed.
i dont have time...
and i am for real this time..

i just need a please in life..
so please...

"im just a kid, and life is a nightmare"

i love tuition from now on :D

it's been since a chasm of time, when i'd last sleep for 10 undivided hours.
and it feels so good for a whole new chapter (:

a saturday,
of which i'd have weekly additional classes of history, geography, science or math, exuding distressing headache and numbing minds.

but this saturday,
im happily sleeping at home, repeatedly snoozed my early morning alarm and ended up waking up at 10 am. and could still blissfully beam for a new day.
because im free from choking tuition!

and sufficient sleep gets SM hyp-ed! :D


i sound as though hate tuition as bad as it kills my life. but well, i do love classes in another thinking angle, after all those rants and complaints on how tuition digests my time and leaving me with none for personal waste.

and how i'd constantly vowed on not attending another tuition class after dreading jocosely through pmr, i suddenly thought i would actually miss it, hesitantly, but touchy enough to get me thinking deep..

it just feels great to reminisce and get enthralled in the memories.
and you pick a couple of the awesome ones to paste them into the life book

ahh..
i really think i will miss having classes with you guys.
it's been almost 5 years.

how we'd endured through upsr together..
and how we'll go through pmr the same way..
how we'd teased and laughed at each other..
how we'd fall in and out of love..
every moment, every emotion showered under one roof.

i'll love all of you (:
and both you and i can bet, that i'll enjoy and revel deeply in every instant all of us get along together, from this very moment. even if our eardrums burst from lectures ;)

"i'd always say how i dont need you, but it's always gonna come right back to this"